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By The Betches on

So last night's episode of the Bachelor left much to be desired, it not only set the world record for the longest onscreen kiss but also for being the most boring epi ever. I didn't think this season could get any more blah until we had to watch Sean plaster his face to Lesley's for a full 3 minutes. Jesus Sean can't you just go hand gliding like a normal bachelor? Notice the one "extreme sport" he's done this season was with handicapped Sarah, because why not take a crazy chance. If only every girl wasn't from such a happy fucking family, there might be some legit drama. And no, Kacie's replica of last season's psycho breakdown does not an intriguing two hours make. I guess it's back to clutching the porcelain goddess for Kacie B.

Date with Lesley

Sean: I thought it'd be fun if we can break our own Guiness world record
Lesley: What are we gonna do?
Sean: Grow our nails really long, it will take several years

Ah, so Sean's dad is an unsafe driver. Good to know. Riveting episode ABC.

After breaking the world record for longest onscreen kiss while wearing a dress that covered her upper-ass only, I think Lesley's career in betchocracy is officially dunzo.

Ok Lesley, you took AP classes and that makes you a nerd? So regular classes makes you cool? So being stupid is cool? I think thinking that makes you stupid.

Group Date Volleyball

"I'm gonna break you up into two teams. The team that has the most lesbionic volleyball moves gets to hang out with Sean."

How come one armed Sarah didn't get asked on the volleyball date?

Sean: Nobody break your nose today, ABC doesn't insure the contestants.

I feel like Daniella is always drunk/has a drinking problem.

Overheard during volleyball: "This volleyball game is the most important game of my life. You're talking about getting more time with a guy who could potentially be yours forever."

Wait, do you guys want more time with Sean? Stop crying! It's only a game Focker!!

Ladies, Chris B. Harrison will be happy to help you clean the sand out of your vaginas after the game.

Group Date Night

There goes Krazy Kacie letting her psycho flag fly again. God Kacie you've been on this show twice, don't you know that the person who tells the Bachelor about the other psycho women in the house never wins? You are stuck in the middle of the Desiree and Amanda drama like Anderson Cooper is stuck in the middle of the sexuality spectrum. 

Kacie: I just want you to know that like, Amanda and Desiree don't get along, and I hope that doesn't get in the way of our time together

Sean: ...And?

"I want you to act like Kacie not like this crazy person I see in front of me." Wow he actually said that line.

Date with AshLee

So AshLee the personal organizer had to first share her date time with Tierra's concussion, and then their two new disabled besties...was this some sort of test to see if her personal organizer brain can handle intensive scheduling changes?

Wouldn't it be funny if Ashlee was like "Ugh I don't wanna deal with these fucking sick kids"?

....And now time for a private concert with Sean's favorite band that I've never heard of. I mean if I wanted to hear a private concert by barely famous people I could just record myself singing in the shower.

AshLee: When I was in a foster home I was abused by my foster parents.
Sean: That shit cray.

Rose Ceremony

"I have a surprise for's a forearm!"

Last week's recap>>

28 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Be a little more tasteful says:

    Your disabled jokes are really terrible—no need to go there. The writers for this site are starting to sound like sociopaths.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Your Name says:

    “I have a surprise for Sarah…it’s a forearm!”—Really sensitive of you

    Posted on Reply
  3. Bachelorbitch says:

    Seriously nothing more on the whole Tierra situation??? And making fun of the girl with one arm isn’t exactly funny…

    Posted on Reply
  4. betch-in-chanel says:

    I think the disabled jokes are hilarious.. Bitches? Yes. Sociopaths? Don’t think so.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Elizabeth S. says:

    Eli Yound Band is a very popular Texas Country band- look it up. Your disability jokes so upsetting. There are so many more things to make fun of in this show than people with disabilities.This blog is wretched.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Lindsay says:

    Whoever’s writing for this now sucks.. go back to last season’s betch. I’m not even talking about being insensitive because I like that shit. I’m talking about you not being funny.. like at all. :(

    Posted on Reply
  7. Savannah says:

    Lindsay’s right. This is probs the worst recap I’ve ever read…

    Posted on Reply
  8. Howmuch says:

    I will pay money to have the original Betches start writing again.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Stephanie says:

    Agreed. Please be more witty.

    Posted on Reply
  10. BetchesDONTlovethis says:

    Most boring episode ever led to the most boring recap ever. Disappointing.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Ellie says:

    I was obsessed with your blog until the disability jokes. Please rethink ‘going there’ in the future. Very very hurtful and sad.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Kristin says:

    this episode had SO much to make fun of but this recap sucks…also its “hang” gliding not hand gliding

    Posted on Reply
  13. Madi says:

    Wait awkward that you don’t know Eli Young Band…even if you don’t like country thats not impressive like, look it up before you make a joke about it. There was so much potential for this recap, you failed.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Katie says:

    You used to be funny. Now you suck. This blog completely fails at being witty or just plain interesting at all.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Allie says:

    This is great! Couldn’t have said it better!

    Posted on Reply
  16. EmiBetch says:

    Yeah this recap sucks. This disability jokes I could take or leave, don’t really bother me…especially if the rest of the content was wittier. For a way FUNNIER and SNARKIER bachelor recap, read this guy’s blog:  that is all.

    Posted on Reply
  17. Steph says:

    Really? You didn’t even touch on that bitch falling down the stairs. Blew it.

    Posted on Reply
  18. WTF says:

    my twitter feed is a better recap than this.

    Posted on Reply
  19. umm.. says:

    the Eli Young Band is up for a Grammy…

    Posted on Reply
  20. Lindsey B. Harrison says:

    People named Allie are dumb. See above comment. (Obviously the author’s name must be Allie, too). This post was so boring that my roommate fell asleep during my reading of it.
    The only redeeming quality of this post was the mention of my main man Chris B. Harrison.
    FINAL COMMENT: Making fun of people with disabilities doesn’t make you funny. It makes you ignorant.

    Posted on Reply
  21. Taylor says:

    Clearly this was written in 4 minutes holy god what a waste of my time even skimming this

    Posted on Reply
  22. Who cares says:

    Not funny. Kill yourself(ves)

    Posted on Reply
  23. betchplease says:

    Eil Young Band is so good. Get with it

    Posted on Reply
  24. sad says:

    i used to literally watch the bachelor so that i could read really funny recaps. i agree with most everyone else that i couldnt be more disappointed by this one and the two previous recaps. making fun of the girl with one arm is not funny at all (you can do way better) and same with making fun of the girl who was abused. might just be me but i used to absolutely love these recaps. this show has soooo much work with and how on earth that not include anything about tierra. please pleaseeee be funny again

    Posted on Reply
  25. Sally P says:

    I don’t care for the disability jokes, enough to make fun of on this show then to put down a girl who was born with one arm. She can’t help it and she also like any normal women wants to find love. Cut her some slack!

    Posted on Reply
  26. Manda says:

    The disabled jokes are hilarious—if Sarah didn’t want attention she would not be on this show. That means she will of course get positive and negative attention. So what. I have 2 arms, but small boobs. If I went on national television of course someone would make fun of it. Please continue with the jokes since it is my favorite recap to read.

    Posted on Reply
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