Combined with spelling mishaps, Blakeley/Tony impersonations, and Sarah's crossed eyes, last night's Bachelor Pad proved to be 2 hours of entertaining television. First and foremost we were thoroughly impressed with Tony's ability to spell words such as kiss and heart. Apparently his skills go beyond crying about his son and wearing wool sweaters. And second, we would place bets that those Harry Potter spelling
losers judges were probably 2 bell rings away from hanging themselves.
Actually, the spelling bee was a great move by ABC because we not only got to see who was the runt of the retards, but also because it told a lovely American tale that people who have never seen the inside of a high school auditorium can too win 250 thousand dollars.
Once Rachel stopped crying about Michael leaving, she started crying that Matthew McConaughey's ugly twin is her partner, then stopped, but started again once Chris BH asked her to spell "Rizzuto"
...That is correct ::cue Chris Farley taking off shirt::
Kalon can't spell jewelry, only purchase it.
It was shocking at first to see that Sarah was able to spell the word philanderer, but then we realized she probably learned it from her mother after all those times she screamed, "Stop fucking all of those philanderers Sarah, you're going to get chlamydia and die"
Looking at everyone's faces as they try to spell words such as elimination and obsessive are hysterical and dramatic....spell BARNEY....
Spell fucking moron
And in the end the guy who can't seem to open his eyes and the girl whose eyes are permanently crossed win the true test of intelligence! And what do they get? A ride on the 'special bus' to a romantic evening in a smelly fucking barn.
Of course Blakeley is crying when these two won. Save your tears Blakeski for later when Tony slowly enters you while wearing a cable knit.
Chris / Sarah Date
Oh no, ABC had nothing to do with the fact that Chris and Sarah were both wearing bathing suits under their evening wear.
Sarah's like, "Chris and I are on a date because he wants to move forward.." Au contraire, idiot. He's on a date with you because you barely won a spelling bee... judged by prepubescent tweens, no less.
Chris, "Sarah and I are on this date because we are so serendipity." Omg YES! That's definitely how you use the word serendipity... you guys are like so sympatico.
Ed / Jaclyn Date
Jaclyn: I like Ed because he's funny, smart, witty, and just not that into me
Ed: I like Jaclyn because she has sex with me
Ed's like, "Uhhh my girlfriend back at home would feel really awk knowing that I was with you..her name is uhh...Georgina Glass."
Back at the Bach Pad / Rose Ceremony
It's the end of the episode/week and Rachel is still fucking crying. Chill out, he's not dead. Michael's probably watching at home being like, "Dude, I didn't like you THAT much." Get yourself some preparation H for the bags under your eyes. It feels so good on the (w)hole.
Lindzi and Kalon are like, "I'm so over this. Let's go back home and spend our money on horses and chapstick."
However there was nothing more gross than hearing Lindzi tell Jaclyn, "I'm your bitch." She must have thought it was okay after hearing Kalon repeatedly saying it during sex.
Tony makes a romantic date in the house for him and Blakeley. Despite all the couches they have lying around in place, Tony chooses a nice small square foot of concrete.
Lindzi says she doesn't know if she's going to see Kalon again. I meannn, you're def going to see him again I saw it on instagram.
If only the show was filled with less forced metaphors and more impersonations by drunk Ed. He killed it doing Blakeley/Tony, like we were dying. "Hold on I gotta page my son..I'm gonna move in and we're gonna combine cable channels."