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By The Betches on

Finally we've reached the Bachelor Pad finale and we'll start by saying that it was actually full of all of the shocking twists and turns that Chris B. Harrison promised it would be. The biggest shocker was that he wasn't even exaggerating how shocking it was. The Bachelor Pad: it's like adult summer camp with margaritas and bikinis and life-wrecking footage.

Jamie

Let's all just think about the fact that Jamie looked in the mirror before going on the finale and was like yeah, I look really good.

Erica Rose

She lost 15 lbs and half her hair and is still the best at the backhanded apology. "Did I need to bring up the fact that Michael got dumped on national television and had to watch it and had his heart broken? I guess not. Would I do it again? Maybe."

Kalon/Lindzi

Erica Rose with the outting of Kalon for dating other girls = awkward. E-Rose knows how to get back at a douchebag who said mean things about her. Anyway, it sounds like these two are in a really committed relationship. And by these two, we're referring to Lindzi and her bronzer. 

Rachel/Michael

Michael called Rachel a "summer camp relationship" as in all he wanted was handies in the pool and an over the boob grab after slow dancing at the formal staged concert.

Jaclyn has got Rachel's back. Despite the fact that Rach just backstabbed her last episode, she's fighting her relationship battles for her. True bestie alert. She asked you to skype, Michael! She asked you to SKYPE! And you said no!

Remember when Rachel was all like "the money doesn't matter! I would've left for Michael!" yet she screwed over her best friend for the money, j saying.

Blakeley/Tony

true blood recapSay hello to your new stepmom!

Did Chris B. Harrison just call Blakeley an 'aesthetician'? No chance she can spell that.

Tony: Blakeley, will you marry me?
Blakeley: Are you fucking kidding me?

...this engagement brought to you by Neil Lane

Okay Blakeley we git it, Tony makes you want to live love and stop stripping. They were actually really cute. It makes me believe in true love for psychopaths and nice guys.

I can't believe she got engaged in that slutty dress.

Chris/Sarah

What is wrong with Sarah's face? She looks like she did a big ass gummy before coming on.

Chris: The whole situation with Jamie and Blakeley was tough for me...well not for me, but for my family, who I embarrassed with my behavior and now they can barely show their faces at the Cheesecake Factory.

Rachel vs. Nick

The prisoner's dilemma! ABC is so controversial.

I half expected Nick to pull out a gun so I was comparatively relieved when I saw the Keep sign. There goes Rachel's plans to fix her snaggletooth.

"I stayed out of all the drama and just watched all you losers cry and laugh." Newfound respect for Nick. He might be the douchebag we've been waiting for all our lives. He just made 250k doing nothing.

On another note, obviously in the weeks leading up to the finale both people clearly tell each other they're going to share the money. No one is ever going to be like, oh yeah I think I'm gonna take the whole thing. So like, are you gonna give it to me? We should go with that plan.

LOL Jaclyn obviously makes the whole thing about her "ugh, I'm just so mad, like I gave HIM 250,000 dollars???"

So Rachel is not trusting men anytime soon. Who wants to be her next boyfriend!?

12 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Annie says:

    Had not watched all season.  Was entertained enough by your recaps.  But I tuned in last night, what a shitshow!

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  2. Sorry im not sorry says:

    I died, the finale was such a hawt mess.Was it just me or Blakeley dressed like a slutty Disney character esmeralda? For a second I thought her gary bucey teeth were going to attack tony.
    And Jaime, girl probably wore all her jewlery to that taping. Jaclyn should be on Bitch Stole my Look w/ Joan Rivers wearing that not so flattering dress Britney Spears sported earlier, “this one time I saw Cady Heron wearing army pants and flip flops so I bought army pants and flip flops”.  As for Nick, all of a sudden I go from “who the fuck is nick” to touche janice for destroying the army of skanks. Nicks response to Rachel was basically “im rich bitch” I couldnt help but laugh as rachel cried…..sorry im not sorry

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  3. love says:

    So much love for nick at the moment. He was a pro in disguise this entire time

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  4. Nick didn't do **** says:

    Nick claimed he got to the winners circle all by himself because Rachel wanted to go home…yeah dude but she didn’t and she won the singing competition for you…that’s how you got there…Night Rider didn’t pick nick and rachel because of nick’s wonderful performance…he owes the entire thing to Rachel…and i hope he enjoys being known as the biggest d****bag in the world for the rest of his life

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  5. Bachybach says:

    Sarah looks like a stroke victim. Chris B. Harrison reacting to the engagement was priceless. Can’t wait to see how that marriage turns out!

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  6. Sorry Rach!!! says:

    Pretty sure Nick was stoned in the back of the limo…#myman

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  7. uhmm says:

    did anyone else get the feeling during nick’s speech at the end that he was about to pull a gun out and shoot rachel and the cast? “no one ever cared how I would vote. you tried to leave me 3 times, 3 TIMES! BOOM.” like wowww someone needs to take a xanax and relax.

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  8. YUSSS says:

    BRAVOOO best recap yet

    and what is wrong with her face? and Michael still hasn’t come otu of the closet?.. so sad lol

    Posted on Reply
  9. fellow betch says:

    betches, you NEED to dedicate the next broast of the week to nick. he won 250k from #36 not doing work and #53 shadiness. need i say more?

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    • yes says:

      I second that motion!!

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  10. Yesssss says:

    Nick is the best.  Poor rachiesss, what’re the chances she return for like 8 more seasons to win.

    Posted on Reply
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