BETCHES LOVE THIS

Dear Head Pro,

First off, my question to you is are you the head pro of the Betches, or are you just a pro at giving head...? You can see where this can cause some confusion.

Anyway, onto these texts. I'll give you the quickest backstory possible. I had a high school sweet heart. He was hot, captain of the Hockey team (I'm Canadian, get over it) and all the girls wanted him and his six pack. We dated for about a year and a half til graduation (2006). He was going away to school so it didn't make sense to stay together. We parted amicably and went through the inevitable Ex-Boyfriend Life Cycle for about a year.

Then he got a new girlfriend and became a complete asshole (2008). It took a couple months but then I was SERIOUSLY over it. We made up a couple years later and have been talking every few months ever since (2010). Never anything romantic, just life updates about hissister having a baby and my move to LA and the yearly birthday texts.

Then, last week, I get this message. (I cut out all the bullshit small talk in between so as not to bore you). I'm not even really sure WTF to ask here?! It would make sense to me had we both been living in the same city. These messages would be a precursor to a booty call, duh. But living like a bajillion miles apart, WTF is the point of this?! Needing your wisdom right about now.

Patiently awaiting your interpretation of both his texts AND his dream (not sure if you're qualified to do that... but hey, may as well give it a shot?),

Not the One Having S-ex Dreams

Dear Not the One Having S-ex Dreams,

First of all, fuck you. I think it’s pretty clear that I’m not only the Head Pro of the Betches, but of life, the universe, and everything else. And you know what? Not that I’ve ever tried, but I bet I could give some mean head too, because I’m that good at everything. The only taste to have in your mouth worse than semen is that of failure.

Moving on to this delusional bullshit, are you telling me you guys have been like what, pen pals for the last two years? I forget a girl’s name as soon as we switch to doggy, so I can’t imagine having text-only contact with someone that I haven’t dated let alone seen since George W. was in office. Oh I forgot, you’re Canadian. George W. Bush was our last president, which is a thing that real countries have. Sorry for the confusion. I remember like, one girl I dated when I was in highschool, and I sure as shit wasn’t talking to her six years after I graduated. Actually we didn’t really speak after my first semester of college, because she came to visit and then I gave her intentionally bad directions for how to get back home. Oops.

So you’re clearly not over shit, which is pretty fucking lame seeing as it’s been the better part of a decade since you two were together. I mean, by my math you’d be two years out of college by now. You’re supposed to be something resembling a real adult, and you’re still chatty with your highschool ex. Grow the fuck up and move on.

As for his part in this, it’s not a big mystery. He has/had a girlfriend, things are going south, so he’s reaching out to a girl who’s easily accessible to prop up his ego and maybe preempt a trip to the bone zone should the opportunity arise. Did he really have a sex dream about you? I have no clue, and it doesn’t matter. It could just as easily be something he made up to get you thinking about him in a sexual sense. The fact that you emailed me says it worked, and my guess would be you’ve been hoping for a text like that from him for a long time. Loser.

French (Canadian) kisses,

Head Pro

Head Pro,

Usually I can decipher a guy's actions and easily figure out his motives with me, but this one has me totally brofuddled. We see each other pretty regularly, have phenom sex and he always stays until after he cooks breakfast the next day. We've even met each others friends but are keeping things casual for now (we occasionally go a couple of weeks without seeing each other). I would say he's potential Pro material except for one very irksome quality: every time I text him he almost always calls me back instead of texting! So is this bro just always wanting to chat or is this a very strategic SAB manuever to make me look clingy slash avoid any backlash from any other girls who may be in the picture?

Dear _____,

Wow. And I thought the first girl was delusional. This is some really, really sad shit on your part, I’m sorry to have to tell you.

As far as him calling every time you text him, I call bullshit. You clearly had a lot of back and forth phone contact on July 7th, but you know what kind of guy makes that many phone calls to a girl in one day? A drunk one who wants to fuck. In fact, that’s really the only time a guy will call a girl on the phone period. This is my guess as to what happened: The 7th was a Saturday, so he calls you twice, probably drunk. You call him later in the day, probably drunk yourself. He calls you back but you miss it. Next he’s calling you four times, and because the  next one after it is your mom on the next day (and parents only call way too fucking early on Sundays), I’m guessing it was him trying to wake you up/get ahold of you to go to pound town. I’m also guessing he was successful, because you’re pathetic.

Even worse, in the second pic you’re throwing some of the most sad, flirty, please-pay-attention-to-me texts you could possibly send, and they go completely unanswered. FOR DAYS. When he does respond, it’s at 11:00 PM. On a Thursday. And what does he respond with? A variation of the same thing every bro sends out when he’s drunk and wants to get his pencil wet. You two aren’t keeping it casual, because “you two” aren’t a thing. He, on the other hand, is keeping it very casual. So casual in fact that he probably has you in his phone as “Girl I fucked 7/7/2012”.

So no, this isn’t some “strategic maneuver” to make you look clingy, because you do that well enough on your own. I doubt at this point he’s even worried about other girls seeing your texts, because if they did they’d probably just feel sorry for you.

My advice is to book yourself a spa day, delete his number, and drink until none of this ever happened.

Desperate kisses,

Head Pro