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By The Head Pro on

This week on Sexts and Subtext, as usual we have a fair maiden in distress. In the interest of switching things up, instead of making you read long blocks of stupid text (or in the case of my response, awesome text), I’m breaking it into more digestible pieces. First, here are the offending text messages, presented (for now) without comment:

Obviously, whoever this is needs some help, or something. But answers? She don’t need no stinkin’ answers

Hi Head Pro,

So I don't really need advice so much as I need to share this insanity with the world because it is seriously fucking out of my league insane. If this texting conversation was an insane person it would be that psycho bitch from Stephen King's movie "Misery" where the bitch holds that guy captive and like, tortures him.

Cool, then why’d you email me? If you want to share your brand of crazy with the world, start a fucking blog. Also, I’ve never seen that movie so yeah, not getting the reference. If this email were a person, it would be the lawyer from “Jurassic Park” and I’d be the T-Rex because I want to destroy it.

So some background on this:


I was dating the Marine for like 8 months, we were talking about moving in together and seriously looking for apartments.  Then I'm at a bar with my friends and some crazy girl with really, seriously messed up teeth comes running at me screaming like an incoherent mess that she was dating this Marine too.

Awesome, this shaping up to be like a white trash version of Twelfth Night. The only way this could get better would be if the submitter were a female, redneck version of Steven Seagal about to go all Above the Law on everyone.

So I mean my fight or flight instinct kicked in and my really skinny self punched the girl and she ran away crying.  Cue the Marine coming up to me telling me I ruin everything blah blah blah, I hit him a few times and get the bar shut down early.  So I won my first and only fight, LOL who knew.

No one, that’s who knew. You did not punch anyone in the face. Do you know how delicate the human hand is? Professional fighters break their hands all the time, and they know what they’re doing and wearing gloves. Why was this included? You sound like a 15 year old boy trying to sound cool. Oh well, at least she broke off all contact with the guy and moved on with her life.

Fast forward to a month ago when he comes to my house with my stuff begging for my forgiveness.

Oh God dammit. Now this has become a (somehow) white trashy-er version of Say Anything? And how does your stuff factor in as a bargaining chip for forgiveness? It’s like when I hold a gun to a girl’s head and make her tell me I have a big penis. Somehow, it never feels sincere.

Slowly I've let him back in with no real intentions on dating him cause he's like, whacko.  So here are the texts from Saturday, when we were both sober.  The next day he tries to set me up with his Marine friend.

As regular readers know, if you think a guy’s crazy my first advice is always to continue to flirt with him via text message. And what’s so crazy about this guy, anyway? The only thing he’s guilty of is trying to get a little on the side, and now he’s trying to set you up! It sounds like you guys should be pals. Oh, right, the texts.

And cue the following 2 messages.

Three. You sent me three attachments, none of which were boobs. If it were me in this predicament, I have a feeling I’d get all philosophical about the whole thing.

Like what in the actual fuck is wrong with him?  And why does he exist?
Running away from this psycho SO FAST

Why does he exist, indeed? Really, why do any of us exist? This is some seriously deep shit I’m glad we were able to share together via email. Nevermind that you’re not actually “running away from this psycho”, the point is that you’re butthurt that he was cheating on you, and that’s fine, I guess. But you fucked up when you decided to maintain a friendship with the guy even though he demonstrated pretty clearly that he was trash. Once you knew that, why was it such a surprise for him to send you a message like that? He never respected you then, and now that you’re not an item he respects you even less now. There’s nothing wrong with him now that wasn’t wrong with him before.


Head Pro

Have you received weird texts that only Head Pro can interpet for you? Email him here for some douchey enlightening advice. 

23 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Chelsea says:

    Hahahah. Everyone knows Marine’s are psycho. Bitches be cray for fuckin’ with them.

    Posted on Reply
    • yep says:

      totes true.

      Posted on Reply
    • Franco C says:

      Wow this blog is gold…...represents exactly the type of woman real man try to avoid.

      Posted on Reply
  2. jamie says:

    this is fantastic!

    Posted on Reply
  3. b says:

    love this format

    Posted on Reply
  4. wickedbetchofthesouth says:

    is it wrong to say i don’t feel as though betches date marines?

    Posted on Reply
    • IBbetch says:

      ummmm no…. not when you factor in their yearly salaries

      Posted on Reply
      • voodoo41 says:

        hahahah such a good point!!

        Posted on Reply
  5. H says:

    Like the new format, guess I just wish someone emailed you with a legitimate problem. Your talents are being wasted on dumb bitches, Head Pro.

    Posted on Reply
  6. um says:

    sorry this was really boring… betches, why’d you waste your time? you’re better than that!

    Posted on Reply
  7. boredbetch says:

    omg this is too fucking long and boring

    Posted on Reply
  8. .... says:

    Running commentary? What is this Monday night

    Posted on Reply
  9. unimpressedbetch says:

    I’ve been reading your column fairly consistently, and I have to say that I pretty much systematically disagree with all of your advice.


    I’m Good at Head Too

    Posted on Reply
    • haha says:

      Dear Unimpressed Bitch,
      While I adore Head Pro, I have to say that this might be the funniest comment I’ve seen on this site.
      Thanks for that.

      Posted on Reply
  10. Ivy says:

    Boring? A chick with fucked up teeth got (not) punched in the face! Head Pro admitted to forcing chicks into telling him his cock was big at gunpoint. I laughed, I cried.

    Posted on Reply
  11. mel says:

    It really cracks me up how many girls can simultaneously, within one email; bitch about a guy, ask what his deal is and then say they don’t like/want him. “Like why does he exist?” GREATNESS!

    Posted on Reply
  12. Your Name says:

    Not a fan of the new format.  It’s too disjointed.  Also, I agree—-betches DO NOT date Marines.  The girl sounds like trash, and the Marine has terrible grammar (hi, uneducated).  Gross.

    Posted on Reply
  13. not real says:

    “I wish you were more of a slut” .....why on earth would you ever text a person back after they said that to you??... that’s game over. gross

    Posted on Reply
  14. NYCbetch says:

    Not a fan of the new format..

    Posted on Reply
  15. Lindsay says:

    What is wrong with these girls…...stop fucking talking to these crazy boys.  It’s quite simple actually, just don’t respond to these childish text messages.  This dude cheated on you, idiot, but you still continue to talk to him…....

    Posted on Reply
  16. Jess says:

    I appreciated the running-commentary format. It was conducive to my judging along with Head Pro. This girl doesn’t seem very together.

    Posted on Reply
  17. C says:

    “I wish you were more of a slut and outgoing” is like saying “I wish you did anal and knew Photoshop.” Like those are kind of unrelated thoughts? Maybe it’s just me…

    Posted on Reply
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