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By The Betches on

Season 4 episode 1

"FINALLY!!!!" I shouted as 9pm approached, (I rarely watch anything live, unless the absolutely-necessary-two-show-maximum recording rule forces me to) "RHOBH is back!" I sat down on my couch, had my bowl and Skinny Pop at hand, and was ready for what was to come. Who’s going to get into a brawl this season? In which completely natural way will they introduce the two new EXCITING characters - I mean women - into the bestie group? Will Yolanda’s hair look sexy pushed back? I was so excited I almost choked on my saliva.

Well I can’t say the episode did not disappoint, but it entirely depends on your threshold for disappointment. Like if you think it’s acceptable that #186 Starbucks writes “Brittany” or “Iggy" on your cup when your name is Amanda, you probably weren’t disappointed. Or if you have Time Warner and think it’s totally fine that 75% of (actually) good shows are stalled or muted, you definitely were not disappointed. OR if you still don’t think this show should be called “Shit Fucking Morons Say” then like you were totally chill with this first episode!

Wow, I apologize for my sudden temperament. It’s just that like, as much as I appreciate Bravo’s consistency in their editing, I’m just starting to get a bit nauseous every time (so about 10 times an episode) they show a high heel shoe stepping out of a fucking car. Why not switch it up a bit? Maybe go boob first? Just an idea.

Kyle

"I’m from this town and I know what's real and I know what's fake, and the former definitely doesn’t include my forehead."

Kyle on being a part owner of a store: “I’ve never realized how much work work is!!”

“To be a member of the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce means so much to me that I now have to Wikipedia what it is”

Kyle: it was some guy from the bev hills chamber of commerce!
Token Gay Guy: mmmkkkayyyy

If Kyle is wearing that gargantuan necklace to (physically) keep her down to earth she has to stop saying shit like, “Portia can you please put your car away.”

I kept myself up all night worrying how could Kyle possibly have a party and not invite her best friend Faye!?!??!

“Lisa will say a little dig and a little while later I’ll be like…no that wasn’t meant to be funny.” Kyle is just upset that it takes her “a little while” to understand most of Lisa’s jokes

“OMG Lisa was petting me in the most condescending way.”

Kim

“Everybody loves a comeback story, because my agent says so”

Why do I feel sexual tension between Kim and Kingsley?

"This puppy has filled a huge void for me that used to be filled with prescription pain killers"

I can’t believe that the best footage of Kim is her description of her troubles with her dog, but like I can.

Brandi

"In Beverly Hills the higher you climb the farther you fall, but I wouldn’t know because I don’t need to climb anything because I’m a gigantor."

"I will never have a man pay for things for me again, unless I don't appear the next season of this show.”

"Karma is a slightly discolored tooth in exchange for fucking my husband." Yup sounds about right. 

Can someone remind Brandi that it’s her ex husband… EX.

Carlton

“In my world money doesn’t talk. The dead do...to me."

I wish I could make a Carlton Banks joke right now but I just don’t want to.

You look more like a WWE fighter than a witch.

Her kids names are Destiny, Mystery, and Cross. She either wants to make it easy for her kids to transition into stripping or is a die hard fan of Sons of Anarchy.

I’m almost positive Carlton meant to audition for American Horror Story: Coven but instead showed up to RHOBH and then was like fuck it, I’ll stay in character.

Joyce

“You can never be too young too thin or too honest about your husband’s peepee”

"My husband is a producer, and he has the face of a chubby girl."

Lisa

“Life is a sexy little dance and I like to take the lead. Wait what the fuck did I just say?"

You looked hot this episode but I really could care less about your SUR staff. They’re stupid and not even that hot. Actually they remind me of your friends on this show.

"The Chamber needs Kyle like I need Obamacare.”

Martin’s back, back again

Yolanda

“Don’t tell me you’re my friend. Starve yourself and you’ll become one."

“Gigi's modeling career is incredible. She's working, she's making a lot of money, and she's only doing a moderate amount of cocaine.”

“Dealing with Lyme disease really showed me who my true friends are. Brandi has been there for me. Kyle and the deer that gave me the Lyme disease haven't.”

"Joyce is cute and has better hair than Kyle.” Reminder: these women are 50 years old

It hasn’t gone unnoticed that Yolanda has Lyme disease and fucking loves lemons.

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11 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. What about... says:

    The scoring? That was the best part. Come on betches.

    Posted on Reply
    • agreed says:

      We need the points!!

      Posted on Reply
  2. Samantha D says:

    Died laughing @ “...because I’m a gigantor.”

    Posted on Reply
  3. um.. says:

    It’s deer TICKS that give you lyme disease, not deer themselves.

    Posted on Reply
    • B says:

      Shut up.

      Posted on Reply
  4. ugh says:

    Lisa is still the shit. Gigi is a fucking mess. She has zero talent as a model.

    Posted on Reply
  5. vivalabetch says:

    “It hasn’t gone unnoticed that Yolanda has Lyme disease and fucking loves lemons.” dying.

    Posted on Reply
  6. DisappointedBetch says:

    The intro to this article was so fucking painful I didn’t even get through this post. Funny how much you stressed the word “disappointed”, it perfectly describes how I feel about the recap.

    Posted on Reply
  7. ja'ime says:

    that was the boagenest intro ever. stop trying soy hard.

    Posted on Reply
  8. avehansen says:

    why are there no points given to their ridiculous sayings/actions bring it backk

    Posted on Reply
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