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By The Betches on

Let's pretend like last night's episode wasn't both boring and creepy as fuck and try to postpone our declaration that Revenge has jumped the shark. Too soon. Anyway, much like that other show we recap, obvi this episode was all about "the main event." This week: investor rush. Snoozefest.

We are so over Tyler and Ashley, both as a couple and as people. Maybe they'll be kicked off together. The only really interesting part of this episode was the revelation that Emanda has a shady arsenal of former movie characters hidden in her not-iPhone. Before it was the "warden," and this week we got a little Karate Kid action with her Japanese guru throwing her cryptic sayings like "inside the viper's nest, you too must be a viper." Arigato. Anyway, the fact that Emanda knew Mr. Miyagi was really fucking weird. When did they start giving Japanese lessons in juvie?


tylerNo one wants to see that shit


So after that, we just found ourselves thinking about all the places Revenge has stolen its plot points from. Has anyone made the correlation between this show and the OC, but reversed? We noticed when Vic told Emanda that everything's been off since she arrived. Daniel is Marissa. Emanda is Ryan. Eric VDW is Sandy Cohen. We suspect that Declan will be Daniel's cousin, brother-in-law, and gay uncle by the end of the series.

Call outs:

Why do we never question that Emanda speaks like she's reading out of an encyclopedia in her little openings? Its weird. We get it Mandy, you're a renaissance woman.

Victoria’s passive aggressive half-smile is like a weapon of mass destruction. It scares the shit out of us. She's suddenly gone from preparing outlandish weekly charity events to enjoying life's simpler pleasures, namely locking people in her mansion.

Why does Charlotte have such a shitty phone and why is she so lame that she would actually text someone '2night’s the night!!' Get an iPhone, ever heard of it?

Why are the povo kids getting so frisky in this episode?

How much money do you want Declan? Oh COME ON, not that plot again. How do people ever think that shit will work? Has she never seen a movie about teenage melodrama? The Notebook? Say Anything? Dr. Phil?

Is it just us or did the original Emily Thorne Sean Connery and Jack Porter have the least sexy kiss ever? Something about it was nauseating...

...But not as bad as Victoria gently putting Lydia's hair behind her ear, vom. Or Tyler unbottoning his shirt and "crossing his heart." Projectile vom.

LOL Moments:

The flashback of Emanda coaching Sean Connery how to be her. It reminded us of Lindsay Lohan in the Parent Trap, make sure your pierchings are identical.


fatal attractionStop trying to make Titanic happen, it's not going to happen


Conrad is so responsible with his hedge fund's money that he creates a competition for clients between a gay escort and his irresponsible son who he considered sending to rehab a week ago.

Hahaha Daniel what a betch, namedropping Disneyland Tokyo when trying to relate to an Asian person. And we’re really supposed to believe this bro went to Harvard?

Why is Jack dropping by Emanda's house in the middle of the night to tell her he knows that rando girl she introduced to him?

“I told Amanda she can trust you…” No wonder Jack is poor, he’s so fucking stupid..."and next time if you don't come bearing polish for my hardwood surfaces, you can go back to your dive bar Po' Boy Porter."

Last week's recap>>


17 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Bunny says:

    bahahaha. yea, this show is a sinking..errr, sailboat…...

    Posted on Reply
  2. me says:

    were you guys drunk when you wrote this one?!

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    I’ve never seen the show.  After reading this, I never want to see it.  WOML

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    this show is going downhill fast… and if Daniel gets killed off soon there’s no reason to watch. too bad cuz it started off amazing

    Posted on Reply
  5. It's Mr. Assh0le says:

    One might think a well educated betch would use “isn’t any” instead of “ain’t no” like a commoner or worse, a rapper.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    the people who need to get killed off are declan and charlotte. they are the most annoying characters.

    Posted on Reply
  7. tall betch says:

    But the real question is, did the Hamptons Office Depot just run out of red sharpies or something?? Emanda’s life-ruining pace has come to a complete halt since the beginning of the season. Kind of like Jack’s sex appeal and Charlotte’s ability to #8 not fuck bros. Although I don’t think Declan counts as a bro since I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t even be tall enough to ride the roller coasters at Disneyland Tokyo…

    Posted on Reply
  8. Nice Guy says:

    It’s “Disney ‘WORLD’ Tokyo”, evidently you don’t travel or haven’t been to Tokyo recently. Perhaps you should switch to watching the travel channel instead so when you talk to Pros, you don’t sound so ignorant about foreign ventures.

    Kind Regards,

    Nice Guy

    Posted on Reply
  9. annoyed says:

    daniel’s the only NOT annoying character on this show.. only bc he’s chiseled and cute but seems dumb as a brick.. him and emanda make a cute squinty eyed couple though.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Little betch says:

    This recap is so spot on. Shit better pick up fast though, if I want to see some girl get trained to asskick by some random jap I’ll just watch kill bill instead.

    Posted on Reply
  11. betch says:

    Fucking love the OC. That shit rocked my world and every show after it has tried to be it. I like cried for fucking ever when Marissa died. It was sad. Gossip Girl? They just moved the OC to the upper east side. Obvi.

    Also, Daniel in the vball scene at the beginning of this episode. So. Fucking. Hot. #slampiece

    Posted on Reply
  12. Asian Betch says:

    I couldn’t even watch the whole episode… But thanks for confirming that the rest of the episode was a fail! Not only was it boring, but the way the real Emily Thorne aka Shakira talks is horrendous. Vom.

    Posted on Reply
  13. alanna says:

    how have we not acknowledged original emily’s not leaving?  it’s mostly frustrating because i hate her stupid hair!!  you think they’d have picked someone prettier for us to watch every week

    Posted on Reply
  14. Aprilkate says:

    Agreed. So tired if Ashley and Tyler. Why can’t we vote them off the island already? Listening to Sean Connery speak is like ripping my own nails out scratching the boards with it.

    Posted on Reply
  15. LKC says:

    Ah!  I’m really missing that picture with the Hamptons crew in lei’s with red X’s… Bring back the Red Sharpie!

    Posted on Reply
  16. Patrick says:

    Does Declan have a stiff neck? He should get it fixed ASAP

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    Are we ignoring that nolan and tyler made out and ashley walked in on it? I mean I know two thirds of the people in that equation are poor but still fucking nauseatingly hilarious

    Posted on Reply
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