As if we needed another reason to hate nice guys, this study in the LA Times says that nice guys not only finish last, but also make less money. We knew there was a reason we were drawn to such SABs. Assholes make more money because they thrive in conflict so the fact that he enjoys watching you blow up at him for not texting you back aligns with his ability to get a raise by being the biggest doucebag in the office. Swoon. Read article>>
Kris Jenner posted a picture of herself dressed up as Superwoman for Halloween, supposedly not noticing that her nipples were out. Talk about an embarrassing nip slip attention grab, I think I'd die of shame if she were my grandma. She later deleted the pictures but Khloe instagrammed it again saying "hi nips, that's my mom." I guess when you're married to a man who looks like a lesbian, you need all the twitter attention you can get. Read article>>
Lindsay Lohan apparently decided to get high and do some live tweeting of the presidential debate last night (samesies). Among Lindsay's earth shattering, insighful thoughts were "1920s...1950s it's all the SAME history repeats itself, only if you let it", "OMG IT"S HAPPENING!!!!!....the FINAL DEBATE!!!!! I'm so nervous" and more about her relief that the debate was finally over, as she clearly had more anxiety not knowing what the fuck was going on than both Romney and Obama. She also agreed with Sarah Silverman that indeed, teachers are the best. Note: Is it ever okay to talk shit about teachers? Read article>>
In what has to be the biggest fall from glamour in the history of pop music, Christina Aguilera has been offered $3 million to be the spokesperson for a dating site for fat girls. Seriously, does no one remember this skinny bitch in the "Dirty" music video. Come on Xtina, get your shit together. If Britney can lose the weight so can you. None of this cop out/embracing your curves/baby weight bullshit. We'd be really disappointed if you lent your face to be the poster child for chubby chasers. Read article>>
See, these are the kinds of things Romney needs to read so he can stop his crusade against birth control. With “betches” like this running around, he’ll be forced to admit not everyone is meant to reproduce…
Posted on — ReplyRomney is not crusading against birth control. The President will never have the authority to repeal Roe v. Wade so really the issue of birth control/abortion should not be considered a candidate’s platform. Abortion will remain legal and birth control will remain available to women under the Romney administration.
Posted on — ReplyI usually love this website but the thing about Christina really bothered me. What exactly is wrong with “embracing your curves”? I will admit, there is a difference between being fat and curvy, but the “skinny bitch” in the Dirty video has admitted several times that she literally starved herself during her tours and over worked herself to the point of exhaustion to meet the expectations of the media. It’s disgusting that you would tell her to “get her shit together” simply because she has decided to stop damn near starving/over-working herself to meet the media’s nearly impossible standards. Yeah, Brittney lost the weight (almost) but had several mental breakdowns in the process. Are you tryiing to say that you betches have never put on a few extra pounds in stressful time in your life? She just went through a divorce, and is now raising a child. I know sensitivity and understanding isn’t really a “betch” characteristic, but maybe it should start to be.
Posted on — Replyhave you ever read this site before? there is only one option for a betch: skinny.
Posted on — ReplyNo where in this website’s own explanation of what a betch is, does the word “skinny” appear. Yes, I have read the site.
About a Betch
Betch: noun. \ˈbech\
Don’t know what a betch is? You may not know the word, but you definitely know the girl.
She’s the one who has everything figured out. Everything she associates with is trendy, every guy she interacts with wants to date her and every girl she meets is desperate to be her friend. She speaks her mind and commands a room just by being in it. She’s never waited on line at a club or bar in her life. She wears the best clothes and can pull off risqué, cool outfits with ease and without looking like a whore, or Lady Gaga. Her life is like an episode of The Hills, always involving some sort of drama with her friends or a guy that everyone wants to know about, even if they barely know her.
If you could combine the hotness of Kate Moss with the wit of Chelsea Handler, and the fuck-off vibe of Anna Wintour, you would have yourself the ultimate betch.
A betch is often confused with a bitch but make no mistake, they’re different. A betch isn’t just mean for no reason like a bitch is. She’s edgy. Kind of like how poor people have ugly clothes, but you can also be rich and have ugly clothes, bitches are not automatically betches.
A betch is quick and she owns whatever situation she’s in. She always gets what she wants; be it guys, school, friendships, or a career. Betchiness about gaining success in a man’s world while still being hot and fun and envied. We’re the girls born with the silver spoon in our mouths. But like, fuck silver, we want gold.
Haters and nice people may label us ‘narcissistic’ but a betch knows that believing in herself is all it takes for everyone else to believe in her. A betch is treated well by everyone because she knows she’s hot shit.
Who are the Head Betches?
We intend to keep our identity a secret indefinitely. But honestly, being Head Betch is kind of like…being Louis XIV. Your awesomeness and grandeur was bestowed upon you by all the powerful forces in the universe, so you’re like, kind of immortal. Sure you’re a little indulgent, but you will always be the Sun Queen. (Do we care that he was overthrown and beheaded? Or was he? That wasn’t in the notes that nicegirl gave us so we’re not sure.) Fuck no, the days of annoying rebellions are over, and betches don’t get overthrown. Let them eat fat-free flourless cake!
The Betch Movement
So the question the world is dying to know is: what is this ‘betch’ thing all about? You should obviously read this site and find out, but whether you consider yourself just a little bit betchy or the epitome of the girl we describe, the best way to exert your preferred amount of betchiness is to get inside her head.
As the Head Betches, we think of ourselves like the Buddha, leading the uninformed masses to enlightenment and self-actualization. Follow us and you will achieve Zen power.
This website isn’t self-help. Self-help is for fat people and divorcees. This site is the betchy girl’s bible, reaffirming her beliefs about herself and the universe, and guiding her through situations a betch might encounter; such as, what to do if you find yourself being drawn to act like a nice girl, what do you do when your pot dealer doesn’t answer, and is it okay to give head on the first date?
Just beware: if you’re looking for advice on how to solve the financial crisis or how to deal with being alone, go elsewhere. This is where you go to deal with your problems when you have no problems.
We’re spreading our betchy movement the best way we know how: doing as little as possible by writing about what we know aka partying, gossip, and guys; and by doing a job that never requires leaving our MacBooks. Writing about the things we love and hate is an extension of who we are, like that extra arm we always wish we had to give our right hand a manicure.
So if you can relate to our wisdom then you’re probably a betch, and if you don’t we don’t care because you’re probably uncool or like, really sweet, either way we’re not interested.
A betch is complex. Being a betch is a commitment. It’s not only who you are, it’s a lifestyle.
Betchiness comes from the inside, unlike beauty.
Posted on — ReplyI hope you realize this site is a joke. stop taking everything so seriously
Posted on — Replyi totally just read every single word of your novel ^ ......oh wait, no i didn’t
Posted on — Replydiet coke and tequila. Gawd!! Get yr shit together.
Posted on — ReplyYour LA Times article was from August 2011. Get it together betches! You’re starting to get sloppy.
Posted on — Replygoogle “starving african children” and “christina dirrty”
clearly you don’t understand what the difference is between being healthy/fit and starvation.
& being “stressed” is no excuse for weight gain. A) maybe if your ass got to the gym, you’d have enough endorphins that you wouldn’t be stressed & B) if you use food to cope with stress, you have a food addiction. i’m sick of women that are clearly overweight proclaiming that they are “embracing their curves”. “having curves” is a way to ignore obesity.
get to the gym asap. eat a salad.
Posted on — Replyquit deluding yourself into thinking that being overweight and unhealthy is okay.
Thank you…. that is all.
Oh wait… On top of everything else, fat (poor) bitches also want us to pay our “fair share” so they can have free healthcare when their “curves” give them heart attacks and diabetes. Really??? Just… no.
Posted on — ReplyWhy is this any many of your other articles like a ‘stop and chat’? You need to write more, duh.
Posted on — ReplyAlso Kris Jenner is dressed as slutty Wonder Woman, not Super Woman. Details.
Posted on — Replydo people honestly not understand that this site is a joke? i worry for america…
Posted on — Reply