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By The Betches on

The following fictional email chain is inspired by The Toast's brunch emails, which follows a bunch of made-up girls as they go through the trials and tribulations of planning a group brunch. We thought these were so accurate that we decided to create our very own version of fake birthday dinner emails, plus the secret shit-talking texts that you know you're all sending on the side.  This is how you really plan a birthday dinner. 

All emails and people involved are fake.

From: Ashley <ashleykern@gmail.com>

To: Lauren <laurenponrad@gmail.com>; Jess <jmd821@gmail.com>; Mackenzie <mackdaddy@gmail.com; Jamie <jamie.cohen91@gmail.com>; Kim <kimmyx0cutiex0@hotmail.com>,  Michelle <michelleflanny@gmail.com>; Ethan <ethan.shatner@gmail.com>

Subj: MYYY BDAYYY!!!!!

Hey babes, 

So as you all know my bday is coming up so I think we should definitely do a big dinner!! I was thinking of finding somewhere prix fixe so nobody has to worry about the check at the end, I was thinking Hurricane Club, they do like a normal priced one like $85...like I'm not sure if that's including drinks but I'm pretty sure it's not..I can check and email you later but I'm fairly certain it's nottt...anyway I want it to be sooo fun like at Mackenzie's last year where everyone just got sooo drunk so I think Hurricane will be perfect. Then again tell me what you guys think!

We can pregame at mine after or Jamie do you think your bf would be down to have us? Can you check? (guaranteed guys!!)

<3333 you all!!!

Ash


From: Kim

To: Ashley, Lauren, Jess, Mackenzie, Jamie, Michelle, Ethan

Subj: Re: MYYY BDAYYY!!!!!

OMG YAY!!! Can't wait to see you hoes I've been sooo busy with work but I'll definitely be there!!!!!!!


From: Ethan

To: Ashley, Lauren, Jess, Mackenzie, Jamie, Michelle, Kim

Subj: Re: MYYY BDAYYY!!!!!

HOly shit you know how much I love getting white gay wasted with you betches I actually was just at the Hurrz with Chelsea and I spilled the watermelon punch all over her white Zara blazer but I'm not that sorry about it becuase it was fuggggg (she's not in this thread right?)


From: Mackenzie

To: Kim, Ashley, Lauren, Jess, Jamie, Michelle, Ethan

Subj: Re: MYYY BDAYYY!!!!!

Ahhhh so down can't wait to see you guys it's been forevs


From: Ashley

To: Mackenzie, Lauren, Jess, Jamie, Michelle, Ethan

Subj: Re: MYYY BDAYYY!!!!!

Omg Mack I'm so happy you're coming how was rehab??


From: Mackenzie

To: Ashley, Lauren, Jess, Jamie, Michelle, Ethan, Kim

Subj: Re: MYYY BDAYYY!!!!!

Ahhh rehab was cray! Guys I'm so excited for this dinner like I'm not really supposed to be drinking but what's one vodka soda lol


From: Jess

To: Mackenzie, Lauren, Jamie, Michelle, Ethan, Ashley, Kim

Subj: Re: MYYY BDAYYY!!!!!

Yayyy this is a great idea happy early birthday Ash! Hurricane Club sounds so fun I heard they had delicious apps but are we set in stone like maybe we should go somewhere more low key?? I heard there's this really fun Italian place on Avenue C and the prix fixe includes drinks (I'm pos)...but whatevs you want of course bday girl!!


From: Ashley

To: Mackenzie, Lauren, Jess, Jamie, Michelle, Ethan, Kim

Subj: Re: MYYY BDAYYY!!!!!

Ohhh that's not a bad idea Jess! What's the place called? I think I know the place you're talking about and if I'm thinking the right thing, isn't it kind of small? I don't think they're gonna seat such a large party....and isn't it cash only? also isn't it kind of farrrrrrr haha

Ashley's phone


From: Ethan

To: Mackenzie, Lauren, Jess, Jamie, Michelle, Ashley, Kim

Subj: Re: MYYY BDAYYY!!!!!

Umm ugh cash only is so stressful


From: Kim

To: Mackenzie, Lauren, Jess, Jamie, Michelle, Ethan, Ashley

Subj: Re: MYYY BDAYYY!!!!!

LOL JESS while I'd normally stuff my face with a chicken parm obviiii, I really don't wanna eat that much before we drink....

Jess's Phone


From: Michelle

To: Mackenzie, Lauren, Jess, Jamie, Ashley, Ethan

Subj: Re: MYYY BDAYYY!!!!!

Hey Ash wish I could come but my fam is coming to visit and I have to like go see a broadway play lol has anyone seen phantom of the opera?

Jess's Phone


From: Jamie

To: Mackenzie, Lauren, Jess, Ashley, Michelle, Ethan, Ashley

Subj: Re: MYYY BDAYYY!!!!!

Ahhh hey guys I just asked Jordan if he could have us all to pregame after din and he said he can!! So I feel like we should pick a place that's close to his apartment???? 

Jess's Phone


From: Lauren

To: Mackenzie, Ashley, Jess, Jamie, Michelle, Ethan

Subj: Re: MYYY BDAYYY!!!!!

Funnn can't wait for din! My camp friend is actually here that weekend so can we invite one more?

Ashley's Phone


From: Ashley

To: Mackenzie, Lauren, Jess, Jamie, Michelle, Ethan

Subj: Re: MYYY BDAYYY!!!!!

Well I already made the reservation sorry I didn't tell you guys in the beginning lol 

Ashley's Phone


From: Jamie

To: Mackenzie, Lauren, Jess, Ashley, Michelle, Ethan

Subj: Re: MYYY BDAYYY!!!!!

Haha you're so ridic. whatevs we were all gonna go there anyway. What time?

Ashley's Phone


From: Ashley

To: Mackenzie, Lauren, Jess, Jamie, Michelle, Ethan

Subj: change of bday plans!!

So guys I changed the reservation! New res, new email chain. Now we're going to the Darby at 930 there's no prix fixe but we can just share like a bunch of apps i promise it won't be that bad! maybe we'll even run into a celeb!!! So can you guys let me know if you're def coming because I need to tell them how many people by the end of the week


From: Mackenzie

To: Ashley, Lauren, Jess, Jamie, Michelle, Ethan

Subj: Re: change of bday plans!!

YES I'm clearly still in 


From: Ethan

To: Mackenzie, Lauren, Jess, Jamie, Michelle, Ashley

Subj: Re: change of bday plans!!

Omg love the darby shot not end of the tableeeee


From: Lauren

To: Mackenzie, Ashley, Jess, Jamie, Michelle, Ethan, Kim

Subj: Re: change of bday plans!!

Ahhh so can my camp friend come now??


From: Ashley

To: Mackenzie, Lauren, Jess, Jamie, Michelle, Ethan, Kim

Subj: Re: change of bday plans!!

Oh sorry they said no :( ......But she can come to the pregame! (right jamie?)

Jess's Phone


From: Lauren

To: Mackenzie, Lauren, Jess, Jamie, Michelle, Ethan, Kim

Subj: Re: change of bday plans!!

Ohhh they just said no? I guess I can't come then have fun love you!!

Jess's Phone

13 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. SexyyBetchh says:

    hahaha this is so accurate and so great!!

    Posted on Reply
  2. yeah says:

    no, leave this to people who don’t suck at it

    Posted on Reply
  3. #dying says:

    Better than toast. So accurate.

    Posted on Reply
  4. hotmail says:

    #teamethan

    Posted on Reply
  5. Deidre says:

    Total rip off of The Toast but without all the jokes and pop culture references. The Toast girls are way funnier.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      I think that was the point since they said they were “inspired” by the Toast

      Posted on Reply
      • Ugh as if says:

        I know right? I mean, effin duhh.

        Posted on Reply
  6. Your Name says:

    I actually thought that Toast’s was a bit over the top (still funny but too exaggerated). This was way more spot on.

    Posted on Reply
    • Deidre says:

      Yah exactly. Over the top is funny. If I want spot on, I can just search my gmail for any event that had more than 5 girls cced and it’s exactly the same. But that’s way less fun to read. Being larger than life was the whole point.

      Posted on Reply
  7. LOVE says:

    This was AMAZING I can’t

    Posted on Reply
  8. accurate says:

    solid post betches

    Posted on Reply
  9. ew says:

    blatant content theft passed off as “inspired”, so hot right now

    Posted on Reply
  10. manbearpig says:

    cats will be cats. how about a bday party (prix fixe) licking each others’ pussies throughout the night and meowing.

    Posted on Reply
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