BETCHES LOVE THIS

Ah the beloved Pretty Little Liars Halloween episode we've all been sitting at the edge of our pedicure chairs waiting for. Did anyone else have five episodes of coronary thrombosis during this one episode? I'm not ashamed to admit  that I held my breath for literally 10 minutes during the completely unlikely scene when Aria was about to die in that Madagascar wooden train box.

Surprisingly though, they revealed so much about Ali's murder, yet like so little. Is - sorry was (RIP )- Garrett to be trusted? Is Toby really on team A or is he just playing along? I don't understand, is this a Halloween party? Why isn't anyone wasted? How much did Adam Lambert get paid to hit on a girl? Will I ever get the chance to make out with Jason D? Where the fuck is this train going?

Hanna

It's safe to say that Hanna killed it this episode, all puns intended. You somewhat successfully dressed as Marilyn Monroe, were only slightly harassed by A, and had some great lines.

Hanna: Who are you dressed up as?
Aria: Daisy...from the Great Gatsby
Hanna: The movie?

When everyone was making a plan, you go this way, I'll go this way, to find your dying friend Aria, you make sure to let everyone know, "Caleb's on board...he surprised me." Touché.

On to Hanna's mom and the pastor aka Rosewood's biggest Halloween freaks. As a betch in training while trick or treating not only did I demand sugar free gum instead of chocolate but I also would have never walked inside someone's home. Shits creepy yo.

And who was this weirdo child in their home and why did she keep whispering? It's like speak up kid just because you're dead doesn't mean we can hear you any better.

She was probably the ghost of Ali's twin or something. Either way, I hate to say this but the little girl had man hands.

Spencer

"You make it so hard to be a modern post feminist when you get so alpha male"  People who speak like this deserve to hook up with Toby the oversized Frontal Lobey.

Ugh Spencer you are so annoying sometimes. You got the shit beaten out of you, choked, and almost flung off a train, but afterwards you're just fine. Meanwhile I'll lightly twist my ankle and milk that for about a week. Who's the betch in this scenario?

Emily

I think I may have almost peed in my pants when Emily and Paige/Bruce made their entrance to that train party. It was was like the producers knew we were watching. As scholar/DJ Pauly D says every day, "This is the best day of my life."

But what actress did Emily decide to go as? Ellen DeGeneres?

Of course Bruce Willis comes to Spencer's rescue, they're trying to make this Die Hard 27: Live  Free or Be Saved by a Lesbian in Costume from a Slightly More Psychotic Lesbian in a Costume

Two of our favorite exchanges:

Jenna: Shut up!
Emily: No you shut up!

Spencer: Paige, thank you
Paige: It was a pleasure having an excuse to accidentally grope your breasts, Spencer.

Aria

I mean Aria should have read our last recap because we totally called that she was next on A's "Girls I Need to Unsuccessfully Kill" list.

That whole situation was slightly fucked up. First your cranberry juice gets roofied, then we make fun of you for drinking cranberry juice, and then you wake up in a box tied up next to dead Garrett, who is kind of unrealistically blue for the amount of time he's been dead. Just saying.

Oh and PS. Your dad killed your BFF.

Anyway, Aria must have watched Kill Bill recently because she got out of her duct tape restraints like a ninja. But there's about zero chance that that box would teeter on the ledge of the the train for so long, but then again there's also zero chance that any of this shit would ever happen so we'll take it.

A

What we know:
In the beginning of the episode Mona gave 4 bullets and 3 roofies to a hooded dude. Mona wore the plastic face mask and dressed like Caleb. The person who beat the shit out of Spencer wore Garrett's costume and was a guy. The person who roofied Aria/was wearing the coke ring was also dressed in Garrett's costume. Also, Ezra magically showed up at the end. In conclusion, I need to smoke more.

Predictions of who or what was in that body bag? Ali? Maya? Mona's fugly gray moccasins?

Until next season betches.