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By The Betches on

I’d like to start off our review of the Pretty Little Liars finale with my disgust that the PLL after party on Facebook is catered by Taco Bell? That’s like saying our book launch party was catered by The National Eating Disorder Association. It makes no fucking sense.

But really, this show might continue to pique my interest if every episode weren’t the fucking same. Let’s do a rundown here. Someone thinks someone is dead but that someone is most likely NOT dead. Someone sees someone they might recognize running through the forest at night but the person either gets away or is wearing a hood and therefore could POSSIBLY be someone else. Someone’s parents give them bad advice and then they start hooking up with someone who COULD be the enemy. Someone starts teaching at Rosewood High. 

Speaking of the A team, just want to point out that it’s a real thing. And it’s these guys. Google it. I’m convinced the middle dude looks like Byron. But couldn’t they come up with more creative #9 nicknames for each other. “Red Coat?" What ever happened to the good old days of Baby Dick or the Spice Girls?

Honestly ABC, although I’m a huge fan of the gays, between this show and Revenge there’s a lot of bi-curious confusion going on with a shitload of the characters. Like is Jenna now a Lezzie McLezstein? Didn't she used to hooks it with the Tobemister? Speaking of shit that boggles our mind, I don’t understand why THE ENTIRE TOWN OF ROSEWOOD IS CONSPIRING AGAINST 4 RANDOM GIRLS. Sure Hanna’s hair looks like shit but that’s not a reason for people to be tormenting these bitches for like 3 years now. But finally we find out that Red Coat aka Allison has her own plane which explains why these girls were friends with this sociopath to begin with.

HANNA

"I hate her because she flirts with everyone but me..." - Classic former fatty insecurity.

Great idea Ez, give your child to a teenage girl with no babysitting experience who is constantly facing near-death experiences.

What's he into? Fast cars and fast girls? Chill Hanna it’s not necessarily like father like son.

Imagine if Hanna told Malcolm to identify people and he was like, "All these white girls look the fucking same."

"It's your choice if you want to grow up stupid" and the kid turns off the TV. Ugh loser. I’d turn it up.

Mona: We're all gonna die we're all gonna burn!!! 
Hanna: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

ARIA

"And if we're lucky this will all be over with." I’m sure everyone watching this episode whispered a collective “bullshit” under their breath at that wishful thinking.

Ezra, what a good role model - making out with his student in the stairwell on his first day on the job for which he got fired because he was making out with said student.

EMILY

So like, why are all the lesbians on the swim team?

She should really know better than to go for a jog alone at night when someone is literally trying to kill her on a bi-weekly basis.

I like how they refer to it as the A team as if it's the highest level of middle school basketball teams. 

SPENCER

UGH NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH YOU TWO MAKEOUT to the soothing sounds of Lana Del Ray.

Ugh Toby's alive just when I was starting to get excited about Spring.

This whole double set up thing is like a reverse Punking situation.

Toby to Spencer: "Everything I've done was so I could protect you and eat carbs."               

Your parents are really throwing a "happy getting out of the mental institution" party for you? I guess any reason to celebrate Blackout Wednesday.

Spencer as started kidnapping 7-year-olds to beef up her college essay.

At least Spence has finally washed her hair and put on some fucking makeup. Thank God she was beginning to look uglier than Toby.

"I remember her with the pretty hair" - Malcom. God her hair is not that pretty. In fact up until this episode it was fairly disgusting. 

Down with red coat! The British are coming!

"A"

The A "lair" is so creepy like there’s just pics of young girls helloooo PEDOPHILE!!

Team “A” needs a wardrobe change. If only Kevin Gnapoor were in charge they’d get extra funding for jackets.

Mona: "Don't you get it she's everywhere and she's nowhere." It'd be great if Mona broke into Patrick Swayze's "She's Like the Wind" after this.

Ah the car they pushed into the lake? Still somehow retaining all its battery power after being extracted from the water without anyone noticing. Casual.

Imagine if inside the trunk there were like, mad dildos.

 

...And in other news we're happy to announce Nice is Just a Place in France just made the New York Times Best Seller List March 31st edition. Talk about a Blackout Wednesday. 

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34 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. LFC says:

    WHERE HAS BRUCE BEEN?

    Posted on Reply
      • T says:

        Bruce = Paige (because she used to be super manly-looking)

        Posted on Reply
  2. Are you kidding. says:

    Horrible finale episode followed by the worst recap ever. Thanks for nothing.

    Posted on Reply
  3. BelgianBetchh says:

    What about A setting up Toby with blaming him for the fire. And the fact that they all think they saw Allie?

    Posted on Reply
    • VeronicaBetch says:

      No no watch the episode again and all the conections they made last night with all of the last 3 seasons. The fire was setup by Melissa, Shana, and Jenna because the girls have “the videos” which we know were filmed by the boys who are now dead (Ian, Garrett, and unfortunately i think jason is in the trunk). The A team is not doing the killings that is Melissa and them remember when Ian got pushed off the belltower he saw the hooded person and said ” what are you doing here” that wasn’t Mona or Ian, it was Melissa. I honestly think A a.k.a. red hood just wanted to get the girls together to tell them she is alive but after seeing they were about to get murdered she ran away scared for her life. P.s. remember Allison had that friend that showed her how to fly planes?

      Posted on Reply
  4. undefined says:

    Mad Dildos. Yes. haha

    Posted on Reply
  5. wtf says:

    this was the worst recap ever… sounds like it was written by a 13 year old girl

    Posted on Reply
  6. This show sucks says:

    The fact that A can text on her iphone while wearing those fugly black gloves blows my mind

    Posted on Reply
    • for real says:

      I always wonder how the A team is typing on androids, iphones and other heat activated keypads when they are wearing thick,black leather gloves from Goodwill.

      Posted on Reply
  7. all good says:

    They are just recapping high. I understand.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Used to love betches says:

    This is the laziest recap I’ve ever read, like i get it that betches don’t do work but you’re not even remotely funny anymore.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Betches Pick It Up says:

    Seriously. This recap sucks. Too much was left out, and not enough was clever…pick it up Betches. I’m getting real disappointed with this s***

    Posted on Reply
  10. Blondebetch says:

    A didn’t set the fire, it was Shauna as payback for Jenna, who is def not a lesbian just a manipulative bitch who does what she can to get what she wants (hello, Garret was gross). Shauna then frames Toby as more payback for Jenna since he betrayed her. At least that’s what I think. Just because betches are wearing black gloves doesn’t make them A.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Your Name says:

    how could you not say anything about Hannah’s self evaluation of why she was a fat child!!

    Posted on Reply
  12. al says:

    Lana Del Rey*

    Posted on Reply
  13. Gold says:

    Not my favorite recap, but this line made up for it.  Gold.

    Mona: “Don’t you get it she’s everywhere and she’s nowhere.” It’d be great if Mona broke into Patrick Swayze’s “She’s Like the Wind” after this.

    Posted on Reply
  14. seriously... says:

    this recap sucks and no one gives a fuck about your “book.” enough.

    Posted on Reply
  15. ErikaLuxe says:

    ya a lot of stuff was left out, but I still found parts of this recap pretty funny
    Maybe if PLL wasn’t so predictable, the recaps would have more enthusiasm
    We all knew Toby would be alive, that Shawna was up to some sht, & that eventually everyone would think A = Ali like from the first episode. We’ve been going in circles this entire time. I think the only thing that I didn’t expect (and pissed me off) was that Aria was the one to break it off with Ezra claiming it was too hard, when pretty much nothing happened between them still. Yeah, it’s kinda awkward, but it really wasn’t much of a struggling relationship.
    They get lunch on the sidewalk, she “rescues” his son from seemingly no harm at all, then she says everything is hard…...she followed the boy to the puppet theater, where he was quietly sitting down and walked him back. She’s burning more than just calories after all that, she’s burning brain cells too.

    Posted on Reply
  16. serious. says:

    How the hell was the laptop still working after being under water, for like a week?

    Posted on Reply
  17. Stupid says:

    Just wanted to point out that “A” landed her private plane in a fucking forest. Realistic, ABC fam, realistic.

    Posted on Reply
    • you're the stupid one says:

      there was a runway. it showed it on the map that A (spencer) was looking at in the van in the beginning

      Posted on Reply
      • Ok... says:

        So there was a runway in the middle of the Forest? Still not very realistic.

        Posted on Reply
        • Um... says:

          So what about this show is supposed to be realistic exactly?

          Posted on Reply
  18. what says:

    they all drove off and just completely forgot about toby…. good going spencer

    Posted on Reply
  19. barf says:

    I didn’t think Toby could be any uglier… but then he started crying.

    Posted on Reply
  20. K says:

    “If only Kevin Gnapoor were in charge they’d get extra funding for jackets.” hahhahahahaha classic

    Posted on Reply
  21. Leigh says:

    This recap sounded suspiciously pre-teenish but the few gems made up for it.

    “I don’t understand why THE ENTIRE TOWN OF ROSEWOOD IS CONSPIRING AGAINST 4 RANDOM GIRLS.”—why I stopped caring about this show

    You forgot to mention “someone dies” as one of the things that happens every episode. I hate this writer, does she not know any other plot lines?

    “Team “A” needs a wardrobe change. If only Kevin Gnapoor were in charge they’d get extra funding for jackets.” DIED. DEAD.

    Ugh Toby’s alive just when I was starting to get excited about Spring. DEAD. AGAIN. (See, you thought I was dead before, but I was alive. NOW I’m dead….. possibly. This is Pretty Little Liars we’re talking about.)

    k bye

    Posted on Reply
  22. Julia says:

    Despite the fact that this recap sucked, this line made up for it: “What’s he into? Fast cars and fast girls? Chill Hanna it’s not necessarily like father like son.”

    Posted on Reply
  23. CTBetch says:

    I’m glad that Spencer took the time to paint her nails black to match her new “A” ensemble. And what ever happened to Knoll? Anyone?

    Posted on Reply
  24. ridiculous line says:

    you left out the part where aria says “So Mona made you an offer you couldnt refuse?”
    I just about lost my shit at that one.  I almost feel like the writers of this show know it’s going south so they put those lines in ironically just to laugh at how ridiculous it is.

    Posted on Reply
  25. but really... says:

    Hanna had so many betch moments in this episode you left out. You dropped the ball on this one, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  26. A says:

    In the words of Dwight K. Schrute, Ryan started the fire.

    Posted on Reply
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