BETCHES LOVE THIS

Last night's Pretty Little Liars opened with one of the most unintentionally comedic scenes of the entire series. Hannah and Spencer were obviously charging through the hospital devising some non-clever plan to send a message to A. And obviously, the ONLY way they can do so is by plagiarizing a post-it note and placing it on the body of a woman in a coma. And even more obviously, is that this woman starts seizing immediately upon post-it placement. And most obviously to us, but apparently not to Hannah nor Spencer, is that the hospital is under constant surveillance. Honestly, FUCKING DUH. These girls aren't delusional daters, they're delusional detectives.

On another note, we can't help but comment on ABC Family's choice of shows. Pretty Little Liars, The Lying Game, Secret Life, Baby Daddy...You would expect fun family programming on a family network, but no. Instead we get high school girls hopping around lying to people and getting knocked up. What's next, The Fucked Up Life of the American Bastard?

Aria:

Earth to Aria, Ezra's a homo. We're soo over this relationship, especially after seeing Ezra in his sleepwear. Just because you're poor, doesn't mean you should buy your pajamas at Old Navy, actually buy fucking pajama pants at all. They're called boxers, do we also need to tell you that Santa's not real or John Travolta is gay?

It's so high school of Aria to be dating a jobless 25 year old. It's also so jobless 25 year old of Ezra to have a shady 50k in his sock drawer. He really is as smart as he looks.

In other news, Aria should be the one to go for runs with Spencer's dad.

Hannah:

"I'm getting cheese fries"

Why is Hannah working at the Pismo Beach Disaster Relief? And why does she openly admit to wearing three-inch heels? Why was Toby trying to flirt with Hannah at church party? That is so rahndom. And why would she ever take TOBY as her date. I'd rather take my foot.

Also, a party in a church for its volunteers? How general population.

Her encounter with the creepy hot detective was hyster. The acting was so bad that you weren't sure if he was about to kill her or fuck her. Hannah, you are gonna get it and you don't even know it, and I'm gonna give it to you.

Spencer:

HOW ARE YOU STILL DATING TOBY!? He looks like the lizard from Spiderman. Honestly, my worst nightmare is Toby "sitting quietly next to me and watching me type." Fucking shivers.

Spencer's dad, why so serious?

Spencer, how could you POSSIBLY remember the anklet Ali wore the night she ditched you? Also like, I love the message ABCF sends... The girl who sneaks out, wears tight dresses and high heels is the one who gets brutally murdered. You will get pregnant, get chlamydia and DIE.

Emily:

Woah, since when is boxer boy Holden back on the show? Why is he flirting with the lesbian? Why does this episode have so much rahndom flirting?

And like, I've never seen such an unnecessarily sized club stamp. What high school kids are attending secret clubs anyway? Is this PLL on Gossip Girl on Eyes Wide Shut?

WHO GOES TO CHURCH PARTIES.

Also like, why is Emily perpetually stuck in the plot of the Hangover. Like if you blacked out really hard one night you're not going to miraculously get your memories back especially if it was a drug induced BO directly causing memory loss...what, does Rosewood also have the cure for Alzheimer's? Where's Wren when you need him to pop out of no where to explain this to us!?

"A":

What kind of weird Japanese ice cream was A eating, and like why? I guess I do love a good mochi. And like, who looks for jobs/apartments in an actual newspaper?

However, A uses a red sharpie...I love you Red Sharpie.

Miscellaneous Other Shit:

The men on this show wear more makeup than Ru Paul, or like Lucy Hale.

" I have had naps more exciting than this party"...apparently Toby has some entrhalling naps.

Where's Nole? Where's Mona? Where's Melissa? Where's Wren? I'm having ambiguous loss for all the missing characters. They can't just introduce all these people and take them out as they please! I'm having pretty little liars anxiety...PLLA.