BETCHES LOVE THIS

We understand that as PLL fans we automatically sign a metaphorical contract with ABCF where we agree to be chill with the fact that nothing on this show is even remotely realistic. That said, it's still our unalienable right to talk shit and laugh, specifically at the butch lesbian side stories.

So what happened last night...what DIDN'T happen!? We found out that Garrett didn't kill Maya, Maya's cousin is one creepy motherfucker and is probably one-sixth A, and Maya's favorite pastimes include sleeping in Noel's closet and taking selfies at crime scenes.

Another thing we have to acknowledge is the actual legal importance of the clues the girls find. It's like earth to rosewood morons, you have legitimate evidence for a serious homicide case yet refuse to submit it to the police. Instead, these idiots text each other, OMG come to Spencer's ASAP, watching new footage of Maya getting killed. Aria, don't eat all the popcorn on the way over.

Aria:

Sa-fucking-lut

At first Aria was all like, you're a coffee shop man, coffee shop man. But then she realized how hot and amazing Zach is and probably thought about stealing him from her mother. Frankly I would enjoy that plot way more than having to listen to her bitch about Ezra's @babymamaprobs and watching her butter jalapeno bagels. You're jealous of your mom, we get it, but it's not her fault you chose a washed up ex-high school teacher with mommy issues you once met in Iceland. Who the fuck goes to Iceland?

Hanna:

How convenient that the note you found was perfectly intact except for the date and address of where Maya was going? And holy shit, it was written the exact day she died! No fucking way, what are the chances?! Oh yeah, this is PLL, so really high.

Will the writers ever lead them into a funny situation where they find a note/clue that doesn't mean anything? Like OMG I found this note under my plant, it says 'Hanna, need more milk' ... Do you think A is being ironic? Is she going to kill me with a cow or something? And then Spencer would reason, "That's from your mom."

Okay so Wren is way cuter than Caleb. Wren is to Caleb as Ben Epstein is to Cam. That was a throwback 'How to Make It' reference, it's weird I know, get used to it.

But really, why is Wren trolling for high school poon? If I ever met a guy and he told me his ex girlfriend is an incoming senior...of high school...I would run the other fucking way. IN WHAT WORLD!? Oh yeah, again, the one where girls wear 12-inch heels to public school and are key players in more than one murder investigation.

Hanna and Emily, Pet Detective

Spencer:

You didn't do anything this episode except watch absurdly incriminating video footage and rummage through Noel's dirty underwear. You're one sherlock fucking hAlmes.

+10 for not making out with Toby.

Rumer Willis called, she wants her jaw back

Emily:

"Leave it to Maya to make pajamas look sexy" First of all, EW. Second of all, ew.

Shay Mitchell must feel like shit daily. She not only has to pretend to be into girls but also has to make out with ugly fucking bros. Can ABCF give her a break already? FREE SHAY.

Hanna gets a gash in her leg trying to break through wooden windows, but Emily does it effortlessly. Bruce wears a cut off arm rocker tee. You know, just in case you forgot they were lesbos.

Bahahaha....Paige and her first enraged fit of lesbian proportions. BRUCE ANGRY. BRUCE SMASH.

A:

Again with the stupid A-in-glove hints. Are you a big fan of Wheel of Fortune? She must've just turned it on a few minutes early before the Bachelor.

A writes "I'm saving you for later" in red on the wall. What is she saving for later? Her shot at killing Emily and Hanna? Her revenge on the rest of the pretty little liars? Her gnocchi from dinner?