BETCHES LOVE THIS

I honestly don’t know what the fuck is going on with television this week. Pretty much every show I watch is acting as if it's still hangover from last week. I mean, does it not take time to write, film and edit episodes? Like I would accept the excuse that you DGAF last week, but this episode was made a fucking while ago. PLL is also casually moving towards a predominantly Asian cast. Not that this has anything to do with the decrease in quality of this show, I just noticed the increase in eastern presence in Rosewood.

Also, whoever works in wardrobe needs to be burned at the stake. Why does everyone wear weird fucking hats? From the photographers to Maya's black cousin to the lesbian Paige. It's like weird french hat is code for outsider. Why is everyone dressed as if this is a minority’s rendition of Oliver Twist?

So the story line of last night’s episode surrounded cameras, poverty, and like a really shitty party. I don’t really understand what we learned from last night's episode, or why there seems to be a major absence of mysteriously threatening haiku texts from A. Enough with this bullshit I want to see the girls all huddled together around a mysterious, shiver inducing anonymous text. What I do know is that Garrett’s mom is in a coma, Jenna is no longer playing blind and Spencer is making the slow transition to being as manly as her mother. These bitches need to stop acting so surprised when A does fucked up shit. It's been 2 fucking years. A is BSCB and will kill you. So it has taken this many episodes for the girls to figure out that black hoodies and leather gloves are available to myriads of people that fucking hate them. Good job not even fully cracking the conspiracy, you guys aren’t even out to lunch, you’re still eating breakfast.

Finally, what the fuck is up with all these dances? Maybe this town should allot less money to fucking high school dances in the gymnasium and instead put it towards their police force so the majority of their crime investigation isn’t conducted by 16 year old girls.

Hanna “ I’m always just about to shop lift “

The girls start off last night’s episode discussing the fact that she hasn’t eaten in days and that she would only appreciate them bringing over a pizza if Caleb was the topping. Why would Hanna want to eat Caleb on a pizza? That would just taste of tobacco and like candied salmon.

Aria: Hefty, You’re wearing sweatpants

Hanna: These are all that fit me right now

Aria: YOU CANT SIT WITH US

Oh yeah, good suggestion Hefty's mom, your daughter just went through her first major break up since the Preacher’s son so you give her shit and force her to go to community service. What teenager doesn't want to go to the Church to sort salvation army clothes post breakup? Since when do banks have affiliations with churches? Maybe Hanna can ask Jesus for a new haircut. Seems like the perfect place to find a poor disgusting nice guy rebound or like catch up on all of her non-A related texting. We are impressed by your work ethic.

It’s like super convenient that she was at the church where Emily’s black out wardrobe got dropped off. I’m sure there is like, only one church in Rosewood.

Strange man asks hefty’s youngly named mom Ashley "Who's your daughter?" and it's pathetic but I actually did not know the answer myself...to give you an idea of who's recapping this week. Now it all makes sense, hefty hanna’s mom is turned on by peanut butter cookies, they are like peas in a pod.

Spencer

Ya Spence, we can totally tell that you can’t brush your hair… but if rich then why cant you just like go to a hairdresser instead of being so effing dramatic and making bad jokes about it. Stressed out girls go to the salon, not to therapy.

"I'm breaking and entering into my moms email account" ... She should've just been like, 'reading my moms email' but no she is a Hastings and she is destined for the ivy league therefore legal jargon is both necessary and sufficient.

"Every time you baby squirrel Ezra you're taking away his nuts" on point Spencer but if there's anyone that's a ball buster it's definitely you.

This episode is wildly inaprops, like Spencer, this woman is dying, why are you snooping around her room? Regardless of you finding clues there… did you learn your detective morals from Harriet the Spy? Wtf is this thing Spencer found in the mom's bracelet? For a second I thought she was going to pull the plug.

Ugh, I’m not even going to go into how much I fucking hate Toby but I will go into the fact that when I see his chin touch Spencer’s, the algebra problem of the two trains on a collision course comes to mind. Ew, I don’t even like math.

Emily “Why would A care about Garrett’s mother?"

umm I dunno Emily but like maybe you should like, figure it out before you have a mild panic attack .

I feel like the camera always pans to Emily texting frantically. But wait! There goes another tank topped lesbo! Did they date? Who is Paige? Emily has Ali, Maya and Savana on her bed post, but this bitch seriously taints her track record. 

Anyway, Part of Me sponsored this episode so Emily randomly invited Butch Girl to go see it. I thought only The Gay Guys liked Katy Perry? Apparently Emily kissed a Paige and she liked it. I also noticed that all the lesbians on this show are slowly starting to dress like bros. It’s possible that this is the transition to Season 4’s sex change story line.

Emily’s boss is like the Miranda Priestly of the barista profession. He wears scarves and treats her like his bitch. It's so funny and embarrassing that she has to work Jenna’s shitty party. Obvi Emily in a Britney Spears Hit Me Baby costume is Paige's fantasy.

Paige is Em's back burner bro but she really does know how to party. Or maybe we've been giving Emily too much crap. She quite possibly spiked her own drink with pharmaceuticals.

Aria/Fitz

If Aria were a real person she would be destined for either the people's court, a job at Hot Topic, or the corner.

Ezra needs to grow some scruff, or like work out. He’s looking really young for a statutory rapist.

In recent inappropriate relationship news; Ezra is embarrassed that he is funemployed and povo, like you don’t need to be ashamed in front of Aria. She’s not exactly in the 1 percent. Both of her parents are teachers. One of which is a temp… so cut the fucking tough guy 'no need help cuz me so manly' act.

Aria pronounced groceries like 'grosheries'. Perhaps she's been talking elocution with Sean Connery

This is PLL, so obviously Aria was in the exact place at the EXACT time to witness the writers set up yet another weird Lucas back plot that we wont understand till later.

“GIVE ME BACK MY STUFF or I’ll … I’ll… I’LL YELL LOUDLY AND SHRUG MY SHOULDERS!” - Lucas

What a sweet gift; an ancient camera that they definitely don't make film for anymore.

Obvi Fitz is gonna go to an underage bday party, he is probably trolling for a new gf now that Aria is fat.

It's a little soon for Aria and her teacher to be out on dates.

Ezra is like really hungry or something, he’s like freaking out about this res.

I'm sure Aria would discover the pills at the same exact second Emily was researching them! I wanted to watch Aria knock the shit out of that little bitch Lucas. He has the gayest run on television, and that's including Ru Paul’s Drag Race.

Jenna

Look at Jenna walking around like she can see. But if she can see why would she wear that outfit? She looks like she is a mom dressed for a pregame. No way Jenna would go from being blind to having sight and immediately be able to blow dry her hair in this fantastic wavy Suaave commercial manner.

She really is such a diva though, I kind of want to go to her party. They're always at these darkly lit in bluish hued cocktail parties. Jenna is dressed like Minnie Mouse. All of Jenna’s friends are Asian nerds. She was handing out those party invites like she was the Red Cross and the Asian nerds were clean water in the Congo. 

ABC did a stellar job of casting a middle aged Jewish lady to play the eclectic photog, but I guess we needed something distracting to bring us back to the Lucas plotline.

Jenna is easily the most manipulative person in Rosewood. She is like, a really good actress, too bad the girl who plays her isn’t. Also, did they pull another fast one on us? The actress looks different, or maybe it's that we notice that behind those glasses she is a botoxed 38 year old mother of three.

This episode obviously left us very confused and missing our bestie A. Thank god for the scene during the credits. Those black gloves always get me.