BETCHES LOVE THIS

So this week on Pretty Little Liars, things got really intimate as “stolen kisses” aka date mouth-rape revealed its storyline. I have to say I love how breaking into things is their go-to solution to solve a problem. "Uh-oh, Maya has a secret. Let's go into her room, read her diary, and wear her clothes."

It’s important to note that the laws of PLL state that if you are at a public coffee shop having an incredibly private convo, one of the people who you would least want to walk in and see you, WILL 100% walk in and see you. It’s like Murphy’s law for shitty murder mystery plot lines.

I just love to stare into your trust fund eyes

Finally, these casual black gloved encounters by the mysterious A are starting to get really fucking redundant and annoying. A is also always eating, no wonder whoever it is always has to wear an oversized black hoodie

Spencer

Spencer, Hannah is going to kill you for hanging out with her ex BF Caleb. You can't even hold on to Toby. Like what are you doing with your life? What is this, boyfriend swap?

Caleb: "I drove all the way back from California. I didn't have time to wash my hair because I had so much thinking to do".  I mean I can walk around with a $400 sweater, but washing my hair would be way too nouveau riche for my hipster pride.

I love how Spencer only starts to get friendly with Caleb after she finds out he has a new car and wardrobe. She unsurprisingly flirts with guys by giving them advice about cashmere.

Conveniently Spencer's mom writes down really detailed and aggressive notes that will make it easier for the girls to snoop and get info from her briefcase.

Hm isn't Spencer's mom taking the case against Garrett kind of A CONFLICT OF INTEREST much like almost everything else on this show.

Aria

It's so convenient that Meredith got the job at Rosewood, Ella's lunch time in the teachers lounge is about to get super awkward: "When you stole my husband it was like, whatevz, but taking the last jello cup? Fucking whore."

I literally cannot stand Aria's wardrobe. Shopping at consignment stores and mix-matching doesn't make you edgy, it makes you poor. However, at least she’s self aware that she dresses like an acid clown. She goes to borrow an outfit from Spencer. Didn't know it was chic to dress like Miranda Hobbes.

The theater guy essentially tells Aria that he doesn't forget lesbians

Nice blackberry, Ar. Couldn't you have at least gotten an iPhone out of the divorce?

Aria's dad wants her to start the salad. He clearly also notices her recent extra pudge as well.

Aria's like "If I knew your family had this much money you'd be getting wayyy more frequent BJs."

Aria's dad: "No one could ever be harmed by having you in their life." Right. Except like, Allison.

Hannah

Hannah, Mona Monster is trying to kill you. What part of that don't you understand?

So the elite psychologists who wrote the textbooks took up residency in Rosewood

"We were so close to becoming those girls that sat at the tables and watched bags while the hot girls were dancing."  - Hannah did you seriously just tell your tale of being newly popular with the social climbing help of Mona as a legitimate way to convince the mental institution board to keep Mona in town? “You just can’t send Mona away. It’s social suicide.”

Jesus they pretend like a psych ward transfer is a parole meeting. No one would give a shit except her family and possibly her doctor what mental institution she was in, especially not this panel of people with nothing better to do on Blackout Wednesday.

Emily/Paige

Wait, wasn't it obvious that Emily didn't know Maya as well as she thought she did? She like disappeared all the time and was probably too high to explain anything

If Emily and Maya's black cousin’s performance acting were any worse in that scene by the lake I swear one of them would put their heads up and be like "Wait. Line?"

Paige looks exactly like Bruce Willis so that is what we shall henceforth call her.

Obvi Bruce is like doing something manly like spinning her bike wheels

Ok, Paige/Bruce is sketchy as fuck. "Let's go to a secluded forest trail so I can tell you about all the scandy things we did while you were blackout."

Why is Bruce so obsessed with Emily? Like, of course she doesn't remember your drunk makeout, that's the whole point. "I got greedy." I just vommed in my mouth a little.

"Dildo"

Maya's videos:    "Emily has an old soul....Also, LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE"

Oh surprise, surprise the lesbian's idea of a romantic date is doing hardcore laps in the pool. Did you and Bruce bring your swim caps?

What's with the excessive cryptic video messages. Like you’d think this was fucking Laguna Beach with all this existing video footage of Maya and Allison day of death.

Diane Fitzgerald

Diane Fitzgerald is the betchiest character on this show and her screen time was less than ten minutes.

Ezra tells his mommy he only started having sex with Aria after he left Rosewood High. Looks like he's a pretty little liar too!

Whoever styled Ezra's mom has obviously never even seen a real Chanel suit, and that broach screams "I bought this on the beach."

"Diamonds and Chanel on a Sunday".  No shit, you noticed her diamonds Aria. Are you still not getting the hint that Ezra's mom is like wayyyy better than you?

Diane: "You totally fit into his little, fantasy hipster world where he pretends to be poor and you're his crack whore artistic girlfriend.

"Your family life is embarrassing and low-class. Oh wait, did I offend you?"- Diane Fitzgerald

Aria, at least try to pretend like you've been around cultured people. She should really take the money and run. God knows her closet needs it.

Ezra: What did you say to Aria to make her leave?

Diane: Maybe it's past her bedtime.  - good one Ezra's mom.