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By The Betches on

Last night's PLL summer finale was absolutely fucking crAzy. So crazy in fact that I am not even the least bit ashamed to admit I screamed when they revealed A. However I'm not certain that my reaction was out of shock or fear; shock that it was Toby or fear of seeing Toby's face so close up.

So this aforementioned shit that got cray in Rosewood was all due to Nate/ Lyndon being a complete psycho freak. Like obviously the guy who claimed he spent months planning an attack during which he gets killed was not a part of Team A. Also obviously, he happened to be the only minority on the show (next to Maya, who may we point out was brutally murdered). Hey, we're not being racist here, we're just pointing out facts of other people being racist.

But anyway, Nate/ Lyndon B. Johnson was wearing so much makeup last night that if I were Emily I would have been like fuck, kill Paige if you want, just don't get bronzer all over my new white blouse.

Aria

Aria: Wait there's more...I found the baby's mom, and it's ALEX MACK.
Hanna: No fucking way I loved that show

So clearly Aria is dealing with some intense Baby Daddy / Baby supernatural Mama shit right now ... but like there's nothing else to say about her. Sorry Ari, time to give up Ezzy F Baby to his rightful owner, his kid's mom, and move on smaller and better things, i.e. Wes. 

Hanna

pll finale recapI just wanna lose 3 pounds!

Alright Hans, we're not going to say that Caleb got himself shot, but we're also definitely going to say that. He brought a gun to a knife fight and placed it next to a killer who was lightly stabbed by a girl. Caleb, didn't the Navajo's teach you better? No white man's gun, use poisonous spices.

Although we must say Hanna, your crying fit at the end was convincing, but when they showed the clip in the beginning of the episode we thought you may have just been bugging that you gained back 10 lbs.

Spencer

We learned a few things about you last night, one being that you're an avid Sharon Stone fan, and two that you just fucked A, on toille bedding.

Anyway, I think I vommed up the meal I shared with the garbage when Spencer responded to Toby's "are you sure" with a sexual nod of approval. Like come on Spence, EWW. SERENITY NOW!

Emily

Ah, the fun begins. We'd like to start off by commending you on the hole-in-shoulder sweater thing you wore while RuPaul attempted to kill Paige with a letter opener. Golf clap.

pll finale recap"OMG A's p just went in my v"

But ok, who in their right mind would go to a cabin alone with the bro who came on to you knowing full well that you used to have sex with his female cousin? I mean, something's not right there... Well, other than the Jergens/Nars Casino combination he uses on his face.

We'd also like to point out that A totally tried to save you with that Saw VIII / The Ring style phone call. Yet instead of running for your life, you chose to sit on the couch attempting to get service on your flip phone. Moving on...

Seeing as this is PLL, all fatal confrontations happen at highly elevated locations. Spencer and Ian in the church bell tower, Hanna and Mona on top of that cliff, and now Emily and Nate in a light tower. Grool. Maybe next time, Aria (seeing as you're most definitely next), try to keep your fights on sea level. 

A

Ahhhh Real Monsters A Toby. This we can't believe. But we have been saying it all along, he is way too fugly to be trusted.

PS. Did you just phone the girls and say "68 I owe u 1?" Because we swear we heard that.

 

Until the Halloween episode, betches. 

20 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. DYING says:

    Perfect recape betches. Well done again per ush.

    Posted on Reply
  2. LOVE says:

    reading these recaps are infinitely better than the actual episodes themselves. OBVS.

    Posted on Reply
  3. E says:

    you know who’s looking fine tonight? maya st. jermaine.
    omg nate she’s like your cousin….

    Posted on Reply
    • Karen says:

      quality mean girls reference along with the betches use of “grool”

      Posted on Reply
  4. TobAy says:

    Dying laughing, especially loving the caption on the pic. I’ll miss the weekly recaps more than the actual show and already can’t wait for October

    Posted on Reply
  5. anon says:

    Best part of this recap: Jergens/Nars Casino combination

    Posted on Reply
  6. Elaine says:

    I actually died at the Seinfeld reference

    Posted on Reply
  7. Mariska? says:

    Has anyone else noticed how Spencer’s mom shadily looks like Olivia Benson’s manlier sister?

    Posted on Reply
    • mariska w/o a doubt says:

      i legitimately say this weekly .. i can’t even deal with how freakishly alike they look

      Posted on Reply
      • Mariska? says:

        I KNOW! (Monica voice). Since day one I have been saying this.

        Posted on Reply
        • uhm says:

          manlier? manlier than Mariska maybe, but did you miss the era of Law and Order: Buzzcut? fuck it, even with her hair long again, Benson’s as manly as it gets.

          Posted on Reply
    • Stabler says:

      Every time I see Spencer’s mom the SVU theme song gets stuck in my head

      Posted on Reply
  8. Betch of the 21st Century says:

    Aria’s shiny blue skirt made her look like she was straight out of Zenon Girl of the 21st Century

    Posted on Reply
  9. The Gay says:

    Call me Alison DiLaurentis because I am DEAD after last night’s episode. Unlike Badgley Mishka’s pre-spring 2013 collection, it did not disappoint.

    I was hoping Paige/Nate/Caleb/Toby had a suicide pact that would bring us the happy ending we all deserved. I wish Toby would at least offer to hide them all in the massive crevice in his chin to save us from the assault on our eyes from looking at their grotesque appearance.

    A bit surprised you didn’t mention Spencer’s ridiculous donkey/massively bowed dress that she was caught wearing in not 1, but 2 scenes. Whoever told her donkey is the new cherry, was seriously disturbed.

    Posted on Reply
    • byetoby says:

      Most perfect post. ever

      Posted on Reply
  10. The Gay says:

    PS: I have to say, I’m disappointed in myself for not realizing until last night that Alex Mack/Maggie Magdalene was also Bianca in 10 Things I Hate About You. I guess it’s the misleading bob that’s not short enough to qualify as a cute pixie cut. hmmm

    Posted on Reply
  11. ridic says:

    Am I giving the writers too much credit by thinking that maybe, just maybe, Toby just joined the A-team to find out all of the stuff Spencer was keeping from him?  Like, maybe behind that awful face he’s actually got a brain?

    Posted on Reply
    • agreed says:

      Totes magotes agree. I think mAybe creeps magee Tobs is trying to help out Spencer and co. Double agent style.

      Posted on Reply
    • toby sucks says:

      they still haven’t explained how he knew the shrink was kidnapped last season. he mysteriously showed up with her that night with no real explanation

      Posted on Reply
  12. douglas says:

    I think Aria is the real A. People have been speculating so many things you guys should look into that theory. Until the Halloween episode!

    Posted on Reply
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