BETCHES LOVE THIS

Let us start off by saying that last night's PLL was really good. Turns out Ezra's abortion grew up to be a real boy, Cece still can't get a job, and Paige/Bruce may or may not be A. We also found out that based on the quick turnaround with that snake, Bruce must have an in at the zoo.

Another thing was that this episode was filled with big PLL ninja fails. First Hanna couldn't snatch the USB drive from her mom and then Spencer couldn't successfully rummage through Paige's bag. Was it something in the Rosewood water? Why do they keep getting caught doing shit that they would normally be able to do well!? Sorry to say this Hans and Spence but maybe you need to take a refresher course on your ancient martial arts, perhaps give Sensei Caleb a call.

"Yo Em, the back of yo head is ridic-ulous"

Spencer:

Being placed in a small enclosed space with a snake... pretty sure that was Voldemort's plan in Harry Potter. Wouldn't be surprised to find out that she also sleep talks in Parsel Tongue.

"I wonder what Cece is doing back in high school" ... That's funny, we were wondering why everyone on this show is back in fucking high school.

Speaking of the Cecinator, she was mad because she couldn't get any high school kids to help her work the benefit. But more importantly, it scares me that she has an ivy league degree yet she's currently managing an amateur fashion show...is this really the state of the job market? I'm going to go watch Too Big To Fail one more time.

Spencer WOULD make a sexually allusive Downton Abbey reference.

Hanna:

Hannas mom: "Then you can explain why you're wearing your costume from Mamma Mia"...I would have loved to see the flashback of Hefty the Peasant in Mamma Mia

Obvi the pasteurizer is trying to play the niceguy card to get it in sacrilegiously with Hanna's mom.

I hate when Caleb creepily stares at Hanna, like their exchange is going to make me blow native chunks. How did he manage to sneak into the dressing room so casually!? He must use the stealth techniques of the Navajo tribe.

Back to Hanna's mom...Wouldn't throwing that USB thing in the garbage disposal like, break the garbage disposal? Let me ask my housekeeper. Yeah it would.

"Talk shit about my suspenders and I'll strangle you with them, like I did Ali"

Emily/Paige:

I'm starting to feel really bad for Shay Mitchell, she's being constantly touched by the short dark and aggressively ghetto cousin, and then has to make out with Bruce Willis, the female.

And then she finds out that Maya was like totally cheating on her with 20 guys? Wow she's such a grotsky slut.   

Ok so Bruce is A... maybe she got her crazy moves from Expendables 2. Either way, she has a deeper voice than all of the other dudes on this show.

I wish real life conversations would go like this:

Emily: I hope you guys don't mind that I brought Paige
Everyone: Yeah we fucking mind you brought Paige.

Also, they keep having Paige dressed like a golf club lesbian. What's up with those suspenders and Gangs of New York clogs?

Aria:

Despite the fact that Wes' acting is so brilliant it belongs in Gigli, we still really love him. Seriously, the Fitzgeralds love the comflirt (flirting while comforting).

On the topic of Maggie:

Ah Alex Mack, we meet again! That's the second of the shows we recap on which she's made a low level cameo while sporting Carey Mulligan's hair. One more marginal role and I might be inspired to google her real name.

Anyway, her role was basically Miss Lippy. "I was a teen mom way before it was a reality show, as well as a moving silver puddle who could lift up tractors."

PS.  Aria, commendable eyebrow arch

Ali:

+5 for torturing Paige with the word moist

+5 for giving Paige the nickname Pig Skin

+5 for calling her a no neck bitch

A:

Now there's two people with black gloves in the end? What a trendsetter.

So just in case some morons didn't realize that there were like a million people in the A final club, the end scene shows multiple hoodied and gloved people passing around a key that says A. This is yet another symbol, almost as subtle as like, Nicki Minaj.