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By The Betches on

Why was last night's Pretty Little Liars like, the nerdiest shit I've ever seen? First Aria is watching an old movie, like midday, by herself. Then we see Mona having a fucking orgasm just thinking about listing the countries that were once part of the USSR by population and/or gross domestic product. Then there was some shit about bioluminescence? Ugh, you call yourselves pretty little liars? More like pretty little social lepers.

I don't know, something about last night's episode was off/super boring. Maybe it was the fact that Hanna's hair was in disarray the whole time, or that Jody Sawyer was being a total nicegirl, or maybe it was because Toby actually looked half-decent and not how he usually looks, like he took a sledgehammer to the face at birth. It's safe to say that the only thing that kept us entertained was Paige's PTSD after almost being killed on that train and her need to be a strong lesbian for Emily.

Emily

There's not much to say about Em except noting that she is always finding herself chilling in a foggy forest with her lesbo companion. Right? But I just don't get why after pulling over inthe middle of fucking nowhere in the middle of the night, Emily's first reaction would be, Omg let's take a walk! Hehe.

I think I may have fallen off my couch laughing when Paige/Bruce Willis screamed…"YOU LIKE STRONG WOMEN RIGHT!?" It's almost as funny as the time I remembered Aria's dad is named Byron.

Aria

Come on, your dad killed Allison? Are we really even getting on that thought train? There's no way, like that's about as probable as Jenna getting her vision back or Caleb brushing his hair.

Omg I love your band-aid Jody Sawyer, where'd you get it?

Aria, you have the flu? How trendy.

Aria, did you really put Ali's note in your shoe? Haven't you bitches learned by now that if you have an important piece of information you don't hide it in your fucking closet, you keep it on your person. Get creative with it, tape it on your ass for fuck sake. Actually this is a perfect opportunity to endorse Stuffies, they're bedtime pals for kids in which you can hide your drugs!

Spencer

After you lost the academic decathlon you should've stormed out and screamed CHLOROPHYLL, MORE LIKE BOROPHYLL.

I can make more Billy Madison jokes but I won't.... BUSINESS ETHICS. Okay I'm done. I'm just saying Spencer, YOU BLEW IT!

You made a few interesting references during this ep Spence, like "Mona is back to her old tricks" and "let's dip back in the A-bag." Out of context I'd assume Mona's an ex prostitute and you want to do Alison's left over cocaine.

Remember the time that it was completely normal when that new guy who led the quiz-off who inexplicably kept taking his glasses off and on said "Put on your Hastings face and spank her as hard as you can"… ? I cringed, and then I cringed some more. I think the last time I heard anyone use the word spank was in Anne of Green Gables.

Miss Mona Vanderwaal seriously needed to pluck her eyebrows, her outfit looked like it was picked out by a blind Sunday School teacher, and she had some 99 cent lipstick on her snaggle tooth.

"You forgot Moldova, Spencer"…HOW COULD YOU!?!

Hanna

It's not news to anyone that Hefty's hair looks like shit. Like get it together Hans, sup with the early onset male pattern baldness? Meanwhile she tells us that she has nightmares about gum getting stuck in her hair. Anxiety disorder anyone? anyone? I meannn….maybe that's why her hair is so short, it's full of gum.

Hanna to Mona: You think that you can do whatever you want, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an academic smart person, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an academic smart person, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way?

After Hans-solo tells Mona she is dead to her, A sends Hanna a text or whatever saying "you're not the only one who can slice and dice." You weren't being very specific, A. Were you forewarning Hanna that you're going to kill and slice up Lucas or bragging that you make a mean chopped salad? 

Last week's recap>>

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18 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. umm says:

    yeah I’ve seen better from you guys…you didn’t even comment on the fact that bruce spent the night with emily

    Posted on Reply
  2. Hanna's hair says:

    Vom. She needed to do her roots before last episode. It looks trashyyyy

    Posted on Reply
  3. LawBetch says:

    Aria is probably pregnant, no one else has the flu…

    Posted on Reply
    • Betch. says:

      Thought the same exact thing. That would actually be something exciting.

      Posted on Reply
  4. NYCbetch says:

    worst recap ever betches..

    Posted on Reply
  5. Aria says:

    Thought the same things, here’s hoping! Plus she’d obvi have to keep it and marry Ezra…it is ABC family after all.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      seriously…if ABC family had an olympic-level gymnast decide to keep her baby(which no athlete at that level, in an olympic year would ever do in a million years) they sure as hell would not let Aria get away with an abortion.

      Posted on Reply
  6. Can we talk about... says:

    Paige’s half head of cornrows!?!? What, is she an 8 year old skank who just got back from her first Caribbean cruise!? Ugh that was horrendous…

    Posted on Reply
  7. Your Name says:

    A is such a wannabe gossip girl lately with these crafted texts. Lonely girl.

    Posted on Reply
  8. YaBetch says:

    I was hoping you’d post something about Spencer’s entrance into the debate.  Seriously, she stormed in there, stopped, and POSED in that outfit which appears to include the heart of the ocean?! 

    Literally laughed out loud and then thought to myself, “Betches will totally say something about that.”

    Posted on Reply
    • Not Your Best says:

      Yeah I was totally expecting the betches to comment on Spencer’s fugly nerd-off outfit…

      Posted on Reply
  9. Holy shit. says:

    If aria was preggers I would die…. but I can totes see it. It’s a very ABCFamily thing to do.

    And why did you betches not comment on bruce’s outfit? Or the fact that she knew how to take off a tire like any typical dike?

    Posted on Reply
  10. ugh lezbos says:

    Can we just note the fact that Emily and Paige have a sleepover and Emily makes Paige sleep on the floor rather than in bed with her…I laughed ALMOST as hard at that as I did at the “strong woman” quote

    Posted on Reply
  11. pll says:

    the zoolander reference…dying

    Posted on Reply
  12. TheGay says:

    How did we not mention Mona’s moment of betchitude to Hefty Hannah, “There are some more cupcakes if you want to join..”

    Posted on Reply
  13. Yes. says:

    “Out of context I’d assume Mona’s an ex prostitute and you want to do Alison’s left over cocaine.”
    Yes. Just…yes.

    Posted on Reply
  14. ExpectedBetter!! says:

    Yeah you guys def did not comment on the two things I thought you would!
    Paige’s fugly cornrows, ugh vom. and Aria is totes preggo and that will somehow tie into Fitz being a dad to two children! This site is going down hill and fast.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Alessa says:

    The Hanna to Mono speech was the funniest shit i actually heard the exact same thing!

    Posted on Reply
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