BETCHES LOVE THIS

After we wrote that all betches' have a shady love for Pretty Little Liars last week, we quickly found that said love is hardly all that shady. It seems as though many of you feel nostalgia for the glory days of wearing five-inch heels to high school health class. So, as many of you demanded (and threatened), here is your PLL recap.

Every episode we find it harder and harder to understand what the fuck the deal is with Rosewood High. Like, If Aria is an English maven and dating an English teacher, how is she in the same class as Emily. Emily barely knows how to spell lesbian. And to that end, why are ALL FOUR of them in all of the same classes? Does Aria ever feel awk that she's fucked one of her teachers and emerged from the vagina of another?

So this episode started off with oscar winning Emily freaking out about some Neolithic necklace. Seriously though, there's no way A could have drilled perfect holes in those teeth through which a thread would ever fit. How much free time does she have? Did she intern at a dentist's office? Took a craft class? Grandma taught her how to sew?

I'm like really really distraught about something

Can someone please explain why their go to hiding spot is a bathroom stall? There is only one reason why four people ever need to be in a stall at the same time. Also, if you're trying to hide from a person who may or may not be trying to slay you, a full length door might be useful.

Hannah:

First off, Mona is in a deep manic depression, you should probably stop bringing up all the people who don’t visit her. Secondly, why would you just randomly throw out her visitors pass in the trash can? I'M SO MAD I COULD JUST THROW OUT THIS LITTLE PIECE OF PAPER!!

I'm Hefty Hannah and I wear stilettos to the psych ward.

Mona isn’t ignoring you because she’s chilling comatose-ly, it's because you did a shit job on her makeup.

Also, why does British Wren casually show up at any and all medical facilities? Isn’t he a bit young to be like, in charge of a mental institution? Does he just walk around the hospital diagnosing various people with ambiguous loss?

Emily:

Emily's plot line is like the Hangover. The whole time she's just shaken up because she's just trying to remember what she did while wasted. She's all like, did I dig up Allie? Did I do lines off her grave?

Also, why do you keep saying you're going to take the blame. Blame for what? World's best backstroke?

HOLY FUCK! Emily’s kidnapper shops at the same discount hair clip store as a rando girl in her class! So this was the trigger she needed to remember? Fake blind Jenna was the second shooter!  JENNA KILLED JFK!

Apparently a lot is at stake for Emily to pass her English test. if Emily doesn’t pass this test, A will kill her ENTIRE family...seems excessive. But anyway, what kind of shit music is Emily listening to before her test? "The brain the brain the center of the chain, the brain the brain the center of the chain."

Ugh, I'm so over this 'frazzled Emily bit.' She's clearly just suffering from the apparent Adderall shortage.

Why so serious?

Aria: "Is it me or is she just blinder than last year"

The flashback to Aria ransacking her dad's office was epic. Wait, oh my god. The red lipstick is like, Red Sharpie's prepubescent sister.

Honestly, we could barely pay attention to the plot because those earrings were so fucking ugly. Couldn't they have picked jewelry that like didnt come from the trimmings of a drape? We actually think that bitch from Center Stage was more offended by the notion that Aria would accuse her of wearing those fugly red things than being called an “adulterous whore."

Ezra's like, low BMI hot.

Spencer:

If I was ever stressed out, the last thing I would ever want is Toby's lips on my back. But it would be exceptionally hysterical if he lifts her shirt and it's covered in hair. [insert obvious mean girl quote]

Spencer's mom gives me the vibe that she's a former male fireman.

Jenna:

Way to really lure Aria in, Jenna. I'm sure the first thing I want to do is come over the house of the girl who can recognize me by my fucking ringtone.

Also how is your hair always perfectly curled? You can't see.

Whatevs, she's so lucky she gets to wear sunglasses all day. Blind people can be so chic.