BETCHES LOVE THIS

So we have to be honest. Half the betches that usually recap this sad excuse for a show are on vacation and we really have no idea what the fuck is going on. That being said, the following are some observations based on a slightly higher than basic knowledge of what is going on in this show courtesy of Wikipedia and intuition. Unsurprisingly, in this magical world of fantasy anonymous texts and girls who spend their afternoon deciphering miscarriage dates there is shit load of stuff going on.  

The episode opens with the girls eating cake. And we have to wonder if Hanna remembers these are the same friends that called her Hefty for like, 4 years...PUT THE FORK DOWN BITCH. Also on the subject of food, excellent vegetable glossing job when Melissa pulls out the carving knife, props department. 

Thankfully Jason number 2 is back this episode and we learn that apparently Ali's body isn't worth much to her family. "Imagine what I could do with 50 grand", thinks A, probably. Um we don't know but you could probably buy a really fancy pair of boar-leather gloves and a cashmere black hoodie. Enjoy. 

In other news, we were introduced to the first black character since Maya got fried and he is waaay too black to be believable as Maya's cousin. It is however, super convenient that Rosewood casually has a good university which is perfect for throwing in random older supporting characters to push along the story or for Aria to fuck. 

Finally, we finished this episode with many things on our mind. Why is everyone on this show always about to get hit by a car or in fear of weird flashing beams coming at them? Why do these girls spend their afternoons solving murder mysteries? What else has Piper been doing since Charmed? The answers we may never know...

Aria

Is Lucy Hale pregnant with Chris Zylka’s baby or does her character just develop a penchant for wearing ugly, unflattering prints this season?

Aria's attempt to set up her mom smells strangely like the plot to The Perfect Man except Ella is too dowdy to be Heather Locklear. What is this dating website Aria setting her mom up on? Christians accused of Murder who then would like to Mingle.com?

Aria why are you still reading/quoting Cosmo? Nice use of a cliché from early 90s

Her most interesting plot point this episode was that her Dad got a new haircut and smells of used baby wipes.

Hanna

“If the feather fits, the writers want me to sound dumb"

The name Hot Momma isn’t going to get Aria’s mom a date with a frat boy, its going to get you a date with Maya’s cousin

In other news Hannah went on a shopping spree at Wet Seal and found more blazers to add to her collection

She also fashioned herself a blouse out of coffee filters and awkwardly flirted with the inventor of Ambiguous Loss

Caleb

I cant tell if you look like Mulan or a reject from an audition to be a were-wolf in Twilight.

Bon Iver concert? I thought the Liars only listened to Carly Rae Jepsen. Love how he threw the tickets up in the air like he could make it rain, lets be honest bro, you spent your life savings on those tix.

BTW this isn’t the fucking reservation, stop trying to control Hanna, women have like rights in the mainland

We were just as shocked as Hanna was when you dumped her ass, like im sorry but you will never be able to get another hot fat girl like that

Emily

Nice tank, EM… stripes and sleeveless for Lesbians, groundbreaking

Why is she getting a job? Is she like poor? she FOSHO did not know what an Americano was.

You took like way too much solace in Taye Diggs saying that "Maya was a lucky girl". How lucky could she really have been? Bohemia Maya is dead.

Spencer:

You continue to look like a characther from Glee. This time you look like Rachel Berry, next week are you going to look like an overweight black girl?

Where has your dad been hiding? I think he is A

Melissa

Melissa, if you're like really rich why would you rent a studio apt and some fugly povo Black Blue Swan costume?

How are these teenaged girls always breaking in to places without getting caught? I like don’t get , does Rosewood Elementary teach a ninja class? Wait why are they checking her apartment again? Looking for her missing fetus?

Oh no! not a blue feather! It's almost as if Melissa could have possibly been lying about owning a down comforter! Somebody call the police!

Why is she going upstairs to lie down, doesn’t she like live in the guest house a la Ryan Atwood?

Whatevz, the episode ends with A sippin on a nice dirty martini on his/her macbook. Perhaps browsing Match.com? Does no one in the airport think it's werid that she's wearing black gloves? Also, I always thought that Mona's last name was like Tran not something WASBy like Vanderwall. Regardless, we can't wait until next week when we continue to delve deeper into not knowing what the fuck is going on.