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By The Betches on

Perfume is every betch’s secret weapon. From making bros subconsciously fall in love with us to causing our professors to lean in just a little closer when we’re begging them to bump up our grades (you mean to tell me that you argued your way from a C+ to an A-? All based on my powers of perfume, you proud Daddy?), the capabilities of a sweet-smelling scent are infinite. I mean there’s a reason Elle Woods got that internship.

juice cleanse$1300 a bottle to smell like old people

Every betch has her “signature scent” and by that we mean it's the scent her besties are forbidden from buying. Unlike the #146 shared guy or morning after pills, perfume is nontransferable. Two years ago she told me that Miss Dior Cherie was her thing and that I wasn’t allowed to wear it anymore. It was so sad.

Let’s talk about the main reason betches love perfume. Like #152 expensive skin shit, it allows us to get rid of some of our excess money to buy what is literally pungent #74 bottled water. Seriously, if your bottle cost you under 100 dollars we're guessing it’s one of those nondescript scents they sell at The Gap called Shit Mist. Sure it may sound ridiculous to drop hundreds of dollars on 3 ounces of something that doesn’t get you drunk, but much like the inch of plaid on the sleeve of your raincoat, it is all about the statement.

Side note: While every betch has her signature scent, every celebrity has her own merchandized scent that we'd never be caught dead wearing. As in, the celeb will go to a factory, pick out a few cinnamon sticks, a rose petal, and a bottle, and put her name on it. Then common people can buy these "elite" commodities at exclusive places like CVS but only if they get the employee to open the special cabinet with their magic key. Whatever it takes to get myself smelling like Britney Spears, is something someone might say when they buy their 20 dollar perfume from a pharmacy with cash.

Like with all aspects of betchiness (except our collarbones), when it comes to perfume, subtlety is key. You don’t want the one time you show up to your bio lab to be the time you activate the allergies of the nice guy who you're making do your lab report. In fact, the number of sprays you do disperse should directly correspond to your destination. Here’s a guide:

To class/work/go get iced coffee: 1-2 sprays

Dinner/on a date/formal event: 2-4 sprays

The gym: 1 small spritz. I mean, do you want to walk past the hot guy who's always there and have him get a whiff of your armpit?

Out at night: As many as you believe will still be smellable at 8 am the next morning when you’re looking for your bra.

Also keep in mind when spraying that we don’t aim and shoot directly on our bodies. That’s what poor women who work in hospitals do to conserve their precious liquid. Spray and step in.

Always remember betches, your perfume will be remembered long after you. That’s why ex-boyfriends will often remark upon your scent when you see them again, or why you have the immediate urge to vom when you catch a trace of the perfume your ex-bestie turned enemy used to wear. It’s been said that scent is the biggest trigger for memory, and you don’t want that memory to be of gross body odor, the sushi place across the street from your apartment, or worse, Snooki for Women.

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63 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. yes says:

    Spot on! Friends and acquaintances always tell me that I smell amazing , perfume is probably one of the best accessories a betch can have

    Posted on Reply
    • curious says:

      what perfume do you use?

      Posted on Reply
      • Kelsey says:

        I love Chance Eau Tendre, it smells so fresh, clean and feminine to me.

        Posted on Reply
  2. this says:

    is the best and most accurate article i have read.

    Posted on Reply
  3. aspiring betch says:

    what are some betchy perfumes?  i want a new scent before going to college!

    Posted on Reply
    • V&R says:

      Viktor & Rolf Flowerbomb Extreme-it’s not new at all, but it’s nice

      Posted on Reply
      • Liz says:

        I love flower bomb and always get a ton of compliments! but sometimes ill flaunt the lilly pulitzer for spring and summer casual outings

        Posted on Reply
    • Claire says:

      Diptyque Do Son

      Posted on Reply
    • squirrel says:

      neroli portofino by tom ford. but it’s mine and you can’t wear it.

      Posted on Reply
  4. Maddie says:

    Chloe. I don’t give a fuck that it’s $85 and under $100. It’s the betchiest perfume.

    Posted on Reply
    • Lauren says:

      Soo true, I’ve literally had people stop me to tell me I smell good when I wear Chloe. Signature scent for sure.

      Posted on Reply
  5. Legit Post says:

    If I wear cologne every day, what kind of girl doesn’t do the same with her perfume?

    Posted on Reply
  6. ashley says:

    yess, betchiest perfume post please

    Posted on Reply
  7. Love says:

    Chanel Chance is obvi a betches choice scent

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    By far the worst has to be Angel Perfume. Or 95% of the stuff from Victoria’s Secret.

    Posted on Reply
    • Black egg says:

      Lady Gaga’s new scent is revolting, it has to be the worst.

      Posted on Reply
    • Gross says:

      Angel makes me gag. I threw away a whole bottle.

      Posted on Reply
  9. love says:

    Givenchy Play For Her- I always get so many compliments on it

    Posted on Reply
    • oh well says:

      I used to love this stuff. Then someone told me it reminded them of a dead prostitute. Oh wells.

      Posted on Reply
  10. Smelly betch says:

    Bvulgari au the blanc. Smells like heaven.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Elizabeth says:

    Bvulgari au the blanc, smells like heaven.

    Posted on Reply
  12. anonymous says:

    Calvin Klein Euphoria, Chance Chanel and Versace Bright Crystal have always been a few of my favorites.

    Posted on Reply
  13. YSL says:

    YSL Parisienne smells incredible! I get compliments on my scent every time someone leans in and my boyfriend loves it!

    Posted on Reply
    • ugh says:

      I used to be obsessed with Parisienne, but now it just reminds me of a dramatic breakup I had while wearing it. Scent being the strongest sense associated with memories = not fun.

      Posted on Reply
  14. D&G says:

    Dolce & Gabbana - The One

    Posted on Reply
    • me says:


      Posted on Reply
    • Agreed says:

      I always wear this! Signature Scent.

      Posted on Reply
  15. hmm says:

    stoner betches need to multiple each spray count by 2

    Posted on Reply
  16. SK says:

    coco chanel mademoiselle. hands down best betch perfume

    Posted on Reply
    • totally says:

      and coco chanel mademoiselle noir is amayz. just bought it betches

      Posted on Reply
  17. perfume betch says:

    If you want to minimize the risk of smelling like any other female your boyfriend has met in the past 10 years, Lolita Lempicka perfumes are great niche fragrances with super cute bottles.

    Posted on Reply
  18. K says:

    Big fan of Tom Ford Black Orchid. It’s super sexy and has strong, yet not suffocating, sillage that lasts from one morning to the next.

    Posted on Reply
  19. paris says:

    YSL Baby Doll…not sold in the US but I swear by it and get compliments every time I use it

    Posted on Reply
  20. Nova says:

    Hermes jardin sur le nil or Hermes mediterranee are both wonderful and unusual perfumes. My mum gave me my first bottle when I turned 12 and I’ve worn almost nothing else since then.

    Posted on Reply
    • Elizabeth says:

      hmm. sur le nil is a little too woody for me—sur le toit is a great floral though!

      Posted on Reply
    • valerie says:

      cant agree more

      Posted on Reply
    • HERMES says:

      Sur la nil is the best—love the citrus

      Posted on Reply
  21. Ewww says:

    Perfume is gross, doesn’t matter how much spent on it. How about keeping it to one fucking spray so I don’t get an instant migraine and want to vom the second you step within 100 yards of me. Oo and too all the betches who think its cute to take out their perfume and spray it all over themselves and everyone else around them when they’re out… Don’t be surprised when someone punches you in the face. Some people are allergic.

    Posted on Reply
    • @Perfume hater says:

      You make a reasonable point, but you really need to calm down…it’s just pungent bottled water.

      Posted on Reply
  22. lol says:

    Out at night: As many as you believe will still be smellable at 8 am the next morning when you’re looking for your bra.

    ...i died

    Posted on Reply
  23. Elizabeth says:

    I bought a bottle of Annick Goutal Rose Absolue in Paris so that I’d always be reminded of the trip when I wore it. Not a great going-out perfume, but I’m still obsessed with roses so I use a Stella roll-on for night-time…basically a sluttier version of Rose Absolue.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Judge me. says:

    All of you are pleebs! Customize your scent in fucking France or pick some brand known only by the 1%. Chanel Chance??? Lolita Lwhateverthefuckhernameis? Are you fucking kidding me? Most people wore that in the 5th grade. Did you buy it to match your fake louis v speedy from canal st? Or did you run out of Taylor Swift’s Lovestruck? Get it together and try to get a brand that’s at least remotely chic. Not the kind that makes you smell like a baby prostitute.

    Posted on Reply
    • I will. says:

      You are clearly TTH to be funny, but sorry you missed the boat, probably while you were “customizing your scent” from that skeevy vendor on the street with the roll on knockoffs by the fake louis v you know too much about.

      Posted on Reply
  25. Top Betch says:

    Love D&G Rose the One for “meeting the parents” or lunch with friends, Gucci Guilty for hot dates, and Chloe as my signature scent. Every woman should have fine perfume. And if they don’t, that says something.

    Posted on Reply
  26. Tricia says:

    “...much like the inch of plaid on the sleeve of your raincoat, it is all about the statement.”
    loved this. so true.

    Posted on Reply
  27. The Betchness says:

    I won’t leave the door without 1-2 sprays of Dior Pure Poison.

    Posted on Reply
    • daisy says:

      marc jacobs daisy

      Posted on Reply
  28. anonymous says:

    Guerlain flora nymphea or idyelle. also sometimes were terre d’hermes even though it’s cologne.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Estelle says:

    Hermès - Un jardin sur le toit. Fruity and floral, perfect for daytime

    Posted on Reply
  30. Preach it betch says:

    Spot on. Those girls wearing that fucking Victoria’s Secret perfume (if you could call it that) are just hurting themselves and the cotton candy smell makes me gag. I prefer Burberry Brit or Miss Dior Cherie

    Posted on Reply
  31. OMG says:

    The person above me is obvi my soul, or should I say scent, twin. Burberry Brit and Miss Dior Cherie are absolute staples. Cannot live without them.

    Posted on Reply
  32. Ems says:

    This is so spot on. Chanel is mine i barred my friends from using it EVER.

    Posted on Reply
  33. Emily says:

    Custo Barcelona… can only be found while abroad in Spain.  So many compliments

    Posted on Reply
  34. CHANEL says:

    is perfect. cannot go wrong, great choice betches

    Posted on Reply
  35. Roses says:

    Currently on my 4th bottle of Stella, loveeee it. Lilly Pulitzer is my backup for family/low key

    Posted on Reply
  36. cherry says:

    I have one that’s so good I literally won’t tell anyone what it is hahaa. It’s by Tokyo Milk and I do not care that it’s under $100, it is so appealing to everyone that it’s basically pheromones in a bottle.

    Posted on Reply
    • yurei says:

      can you please tell me which it is, i have been meaning to purchase a tokyo milk fragrance but there are so many different ones!! i don’t know which one to choose

      Posted on Reply
  37. queenbetch says:

    Betches.  Maybe you enjoy typing out the name Hermes - but they all smell like your grandma and you know it.
    Fucking duh.
    Here is your shopping list….hand this to the sales girl at Saks Fifth Avenue:
    Jo Malone - nectarine blossom and honey -
      3.4 oz for dressing table
      1 oz bottle for your kate spade striped makeup case (
    2. matching lotion - nectarine blossom and honey - 8.5 oz. - layering ladies…
    3. finally candle for bedroom - pomegranate noir bougie perfume



    Posted on Reply
  38. Mac says:

    Agreed with above, Jo Malone

    Posted on Reply
  39. Axe body spray says:

    I love smelling like a cheap man! Am I right or am I right? Lolz.

    Posted on Reply
  40. Betch says:

    Chanel Coco Mademoiselle is the perfect betchy scent because it’s loud but sweet enough to seduce people in to giving you what you want.

    Posted on Reply
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