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By The Betches on

For those of you who didn't hear about it the Oscars were on last night. In general we thought Seth MacFarlane was funny as fuck and he's actually hot. Why he would choose to go into animation is unclear to us. It's also safe to say Seth was the only reason we were able to tolerate this million hour marathon of bullshit. Like why was there so much music? If I wanted to watch a Broadway show I would go see a fucking Broadway show, at least that would be shorter. But then all the sudden it was like I was back in 2002 and Chicago was relevant again...? Whatevs I'm just happy with the overall results. Les Mis won for sound mixing...and nothing else. That's like getting a check plus on your SATs.

Red Carpet

Best Dressed: Jessica Chastain, Amy Adams, Amanda Seyfried, Octavia, J-Law's back necklace, Kerry Washington, Jane Fonda, Naomi Watts, Halle Berry

Worst Dressed: Anne Fucking Hathaway, Reese Witherspoon, Zoe Saldana, Melissa McCarthy

Anne, like the devil wore a Prada "dress." More like a Prada fucking backpack. Tell me you're wearing those silk strappy sandals from my closet in 1998. And Stila lipgloss.

Charlize's dress was great but like I thought she was Ellen Degeneres.

Zoe Saldana looks like my 3-year-old niece cut a piece of paper into a really bad snowflake.

Who the fuck dressed Melissa McCarthy she looked like she just endured a wind tunnel. She was also wearing the jersey sheets I slept on freshman year of college.

The Show

JenAn either had botox like 3 mins before the ceremony or just smoked a huge blunt.

Robert Downey Jr. does not applaud.

"Daniel Day Lewis, so if you saw Don Cheadle on the street did you try to free him?" - Seth

I can totally picture Seth MacFarlane, Joseph Gordon Levitt, and Daniel Radcliffe in like a really gay love triangle.

Anytime they show clips of Les Mis, does everyone always HAVE to look mis?

Adele looked like the definition of over it when she was performing Skyfall, she was visibly frustrated at the lack of alcohol at this impractically long show. Fanks! for boring me to tears.

Grandma opens for J Hud, Wolverine closes. J Hud, too unreal to make fun of.

K-Stew fucking limping in her couture dress was the best moment of my life. Whoever beat her up, we have a reward.

Babz is a queen.

What was the last thing Salma Hayek did that she is presenting at the Oscars? Oh yeah, she promotes milk.

Jack Nicholson was so high he thought he was in the hotel in The Shining.

Richard Gere asks someone else to read the winner for original score because his cataract got in the way.

Why does Quvenzhané Wallis think she is Muhammad Ali?

Meryl F baby looks sort of old like she needs to go get that potion shit from Death Becomes Her.

Who we missed at the Oscars: Leo DiCap, Brad and Angie, Renee Zelwegger's eyes.

More importantly, how does TD Bank have a monopoly on announcing the time and temperature?

Anne Hathaway

Raise your hand if you've ever been personally victimized by a painfully rehearsed acceptance speech by Justin Bieber's female twin. I can literally picture Anne standing at a bathroom mirror while googling 'good love quotes for husbands' on an iPad. Honey do you think I should inhale at 4 breaths a minute or like 5?

The Awards

Christoph Waltz is on his second Supporting Actor award. Moral of the story: the Academy loves ze German accents.

Sup with all the Dumbledores winning every other award?

Quentin Tarantino was like probably doing coke in the bathroom during commercial breaks and based on Ben Affleck's acceptance speech he was probably in the stall right next to him. I mean he thanked Canada, and not just Montreal and Toronto, like, the entire thing.

Why was Michelle Obama an announcer for this shit? She's not in the entertainment industry and none of the nominees are fat kids.

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61 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. annoying says:

    why are the betches so jealous of anne hathaway?  i like her.

    Posted on Reply
    • No One says:

      with a brain likes Anne Hatahway. No. One.

      Posted on Reply
    • She sucks says:

      I hope you didn’t watch the Oscars last night. HOW could you like her after her disgusting dress and her acceptance speech, which was literally just a long and boring list of names, could have just been posted on her twitter and it would have saved everyone a lot of time

      Posted on Reply
      • you're jelly says:

        anne hathaway is banking millions, and you’re just some stupid jealous hater

        Posted on Reply
    • Thank you says:

      I’m glad somebody said it. I also love the bandwagoners who just go along with these idiots and pretend to hate her. They’re actually worse.

      Posted on Reply
      • omggg says:

        get off of here. now. byee

        Posted on Reply
      • uh says:

        No one is pretending. or jealous.. she’s awful.

        Posted on Reply
        • uhhuh says:

          i can think of many actresses more awful than her.  she’s fine.  get that stick out of your ass.  anne hathaway has an oscar now, which means her career will only grow more and more.  she’s awesome.  and she’s not going anywhere.

          Posted on Reply
    • Ya Right says:

      She’s so over animated and scripted! Not to mention unoriginal.

      Posted on Reply
  2. Rachel says:

    Jessica Chastain as best dressed!?!  Are you @$^! kidding?  Her dress looked like a sparkly band aid.  Barf.  And for the love of God, Jen Aniston needs to do something with that hair.  So boring.  Whether she’s going to Starbucks or the Oscars, it looks the same & I’m over it.  Jennifer Lawrence deserved to trip on the stairs in her ugly stupid gown.  WTF was all that poufy-ness anyways?  She is far too young to wear that boring mess.

    Posted on Reply
    • Whatttttt says:

      Whattt!!!!! Are you kidding me…....Jessica Chastain’s dress was by far one of the top 5 most gorgeous dresses on the Red Carpet!!!!!!!!!!

      Posted on Reply
    • wtf says:

      is this? : @$^! ?? you’re a trashy weirdo who has nothing else to do with her time but waste a true betch’s (aka me) time by writing what you probs think is a fabulous (but really is pathetically wanna be betchy) critique of the oscars. jennifer lawrence isn’t fucking 16 she can wear that gorgeous gown if she wants. she rocked it and shes awesome. now leave. right away.

      Posted on Reply
  3. betch says:

    More importantly, how does TD Bank have a monopoly on announcing the time and temperature?

    dyinggggg

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betch says:

    This post was a little too late! Also did some newbie write this; the post was neither humorous nor witty…

    Posted on Reply
  5. true betch says:

    Totally agree with the above comment… there was so much to say about last nights show.  There were so many opportunities to make this column much more interesting. I normally love the recaps, but seriously betches…

    Get.Your.Shit.Together.

    Posted on Reply
  6. xoxo says:

    ha loved the bit about quentin & ben affleck. also, couldn’t help but laugh every time they showed the scene in les mis where anne hathaway gets her hair cut off. classic.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Weak says:

    This post might be your worst effort yet.

    Posted on Reply
  8. WHAT? says:

    Why are y’all not recognizing Quvenzhané Wallis for the badass and betch in training that she is? We’d be lucky to have her on our team.

    Posted on Reply
    • Li b says:

      Seriously? I’m all for a mini betch but if my kid ever made weird man muscles at an event like that I’d leave her there. So not cute.

      Posted on Reply
      • big red says:

        That was kind of her signature move in Beasts of the Southern Wild, so it’s not just a random thing. Her character flexed like that a lot - and it was fucking awesome.

        Posted on Reply
  9. ew says:

    “In general we thought Seth MacFarlane was funny as fuck and he’s actually hot… It’s also safe to say Seth was the only reason we were able to tolerate this million hour marathon of bullshit.”

    Seriously? He was the most intolerable part of the whole show and he was THE REASON the show was four hours long. I’m sorry, but you’re really gonna let a bro shit on betches openly like that? Not cool. Also, this recap is too late, too short, too banal, and just too darn terrible to read.

    Posted on Reply
    • I'm sorry says:

      the 1900s called they want their women’s rights movement back.

      Posted on Reply
        • Emilayday says:

          You like…you like, actually took the time and effort to look up a link and then actually post it….TTH much?

          Posted on Reply
        • Over it says:

          I’m so fucking tired of people calling Seth McFarlane a douchebag. Anyone who wants to talk shit clearly didn’t even watch the whole show because for the most part his jokes were very tame and he just sang. So fucking what, he did a song called ‘We Saw Your Boobs’ and made a crack about Rihanna and Chris Brown. Except for the latter pretty much everyone was in on the jokes, those skits were recorded ahead of time and obvi Hollywood betches know how to take a joke. But clearly YOU don’t… Get the fuck over it

          Posted on Reply
      • Jen says:

        Hahaha touché. Get over yourselves feminists. Seth was great. And hot. And the Kate Winslet boob line was great.

        Posted on Reply
  10. Not Your Best... says:

    I agree with the above betches, this post had so much potential but some newbie fucked this up royally. Also, your best dressed list better be a joke. Jessica Chastain’s dress was not pretty; Amy Adams’ dress was ridiculous way too much, its not as if the Oscars are dedicated to her; Kerry Washington’s dress did not deserve to be on best dressed; Jane Fonda’s dress was a horrible color; and Halle Berry’s dress was not best dressed material considering the fact that it looked like a jumpsuit that a robber would wear….

    Posted on Reply
  11. Your Name says:

    If you actually watched the movies you would know why Q did that and why Ben thanked Canada. Do your research. Terrible recap.

    Posted on Reply
    • Emilayday says:

      THANK YOU! Judge the fashion, but betches, if you haven’t seen the movies then shut the fuck up.  Except about AHath, that shit was called Les Mizz as a warning to the audience watching that abomination of a movie. And she was in it for a whole hot flash of a second.

      Posted on Reply
  12. Best dressed says:

    Stacy kiebler. She killed it

    Posted on Reply
  13. Bad betch says:

    This whole recap was boring and off base. Clearly all the above fans agree so it looks like someone who just got their name on payroll is getting bumped back off. The only redeeming moment was the Michelle Obama comment. Hahahaha she thinks she IS a part of the entertainment business. Don’t you like, have a McDonalds to shut down or something?

    Posted on Reply
  14. Hmmm says:

    Your obsession with Anne Hathaway is pathetic. Get over it.

    Posted on Reply
  15. dissapointed says:

    Clearly a newbie wrote this… fired that nice girl, there was so much more to be said and this could have been a hilarious article but instead the funniest line is “More importantly, how does TD Bank have a monopoly on announcing the time and temperature?”  Really betches? how does that line end up being the best line on an Oscars recap??

    Posted on Reply
  16. puh-lease says:

    Anne was still Vogue’s pick for #1 best dressed at the Oscars.

    Posted on Reply
  17. ldc says:

    “And Stila lipgloss.”

    best part of the post.

    Posted on Reply
  18. Simon Says says:

    If you had seen Argo, or more specifically, known the actual history behind it, you’d know why Affleck thanked Canada.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Your Name says:

    Yeah this post sucked. Could have been so much better. Fire this intern please!!! Also the comment re Canada. You would leave out vancouver?

    Posted on Reply
  20. Serious Betch says:

    Are you serious betches? Seth McFarlane was racist, sexist, and downright offensive. Adele was amazing, and Wallis is the cutest thing ever. Get real betches. Re-do this re-cap. I’d expect more of you.

    The only thing you’re right about is how painful it is to watch Anne Hathaway.

    Posted on Reply
    • Take a joke says:

      Seth was HILAR. If you think HE was offensive you’ve clearly never watched a Comedy Central roast, or anything to ever come on comedy central period for that matter

      Posted on Reply
  21. You have got to be shitting me says:

    Anne Hathaway is a freaking GENIUS. Not only is she a gay rights activist and loving person, she’s also one of the BEST actresses out there. I’d like to see you try acting her role on les mis, you would look like an idiot. I can’t believe all the hate in your column with no wit or anything to keep my interest. You sound like a jealous teenager. boo you.

    Posted on Reply
    • K.... says:

      and you sound nothing like a betch so you should probably not be on this site.

      Posted on Reply
    • Emilayday says:

      The betches never claimed to be actresses, so that’s kind of like telling me I’d be horrible at surgery.  Yeah duh, that’s why I didn’t become a fucking surgeon.  And you know, Anne Hathaway isn’t reading your comments, so why is your nose so far up her ass that you’re sniffing her intestines?

      Posted on Reply
  22. Kate says:

    You guys need to stop hating on Anne Hathaway. She may not be a betch in the true sense of the word, but her performance in Les Mis was INCREDIBLE. It made me cry so much. Just because she doesn’t dress like a whore and she has short hair doesn’t make her annoying or untalented. I Dreamed a Dream was a masterpiece and you can stop praising Amanda Seyfried for being pretty. Seriously, who that fuck hates Anne Hathaway???

    Posted on Reply
  23. OnBoard Betch says:

    So, up until the Oscars, I didn’t really understand your hatred of Anne Hathaway. I sort of thought she was annoying but tolerable…not anymore. Something clicked while watching her on the red carpet, and I get it. What a fucking twat. Hard to put into words but the overwhelming desire to slap her now resides in me as well.

    Posted on Reply
    • Seriously says:

      Maybe try actually fucking watching Les Mis, and not judging her based off of her looking “annoying” on the red carpet. Her amazing acting skill definitely outweighs her annoying-ness. Anyone who would want to slap Anne Hathaway after watching I Dreamed A Dream probably enjoys eating puppies in their spare time.

      Posted on Reply
      • ya.. seriously says:

        so you base your opinion of actresses on their characters rather than their real personalities and annoying blabberings about how obsessed she is with her marriage? that’s real smart.

        Posted on Reply
  24. Brittany says:

    LOL Anne Hathaway SUCKS. These comments are probably all from the same pathetic nice girl. Seriously, after this award season who on earth could still possibly like her? If I have to hear about her “perfect” marriage or how much she struggled for this role one more time I’m going to scream. She tries too hard and it’s extremely painful to watch. Vom. This post was great!

    Posted on Reply
  25. Sarah says:

    This post is the worst thing I’ve ever read. Have you ever heard of a coherent paragraph? I remember when this site used to be witty and written above the level of a 7th grade student with undiagnosed ADHD. Vyvanse is a miracle drug, maybe y’all should look into it.

    Posted on Reply
  26. s says:

    Your comments about Hathaway are always spot on. She’s super annoying. But you guys need to make JLaw Betch of the Week asap she is hysterical and actually can’t lose an award

    Posted on Reply
  27. anon says:

    I also missed Dicaprio, hope he wins an oscar some time in the next 10 years because its long overdue

    Posted on Reply
  28. g says:

    “I mean he thanked Canada, and not just Montreal and Toronto, like, the entire thing.”
    I’m canadian and I laughed so hard at this

    Posted on Reply
  29. j says:

    but wait….. you had jersey sheets? gross.

    Posted on Reply
  30. bullshit says:

    this is the stupidest thing i ever wasted 5 minutes of my life reading! you really need to get a life.

    Posted on Reply
  31. Betch Life says:

    As says the world’s only fat betch Lena Dunham: “Ladies, Anne Hathaway is a feminist and she has amazing teeth. Let’s save our bad attitudes for the ones who aren’t advancing the cause.”

    ...Owned.

    Posted on Reply
  32. Blondy says:

    Hathaway’s dress, as Rachel Green put it, looked like something you drink when you’re nauseous.  On the subject of vomiting, I was on the fucking verge when I heard her acceptance speech.  You just know she likens herself to truly skinny betch Audrey Hepburn but ended up looking like a clueless bitch at prom from 1992.  And I am not using clueless in the holy-grail way that it deserves to be used.

    Posted on Reply
  33. r says:

    I think it is obvious this post was solely written so Anne Hathaway could be shit on once more, not give an Oscar summary. This recap sucks; you forgot Stacy Keibler as one of the best dressed, which blows my mind since you thought Jane Fonda deserved an honorable mention for being bold or something? Also, betches, get the fuck over Anne Hathaway. We get it, you hate her. So does everyone else and JLaw is awesome/the favorite. Go ask Head Pro to talk you through your fucking weird obsession with hating her. Channel your energy into yourselves, not the overly nice girl who TTH.

    Posted on Reply
  34. kourtney says:

    omg. finally someone gets it! BAN HATHAWAY. so fake and over the top. *puking*

    Posted on Reply
  35. Your Name says:

    Shut up all you dummy’s, what are u Ann hathagay’s BFF? She sux, love it betches

    Posted on Reply
  36. ugh says:

    “And Renee Zelwegger’s eyes” - Priceless.

    Crazy people: There is a difference between being talented and being annoying as shit, and they are clearly not mutually exclusive. Is Ann Hathaway a great actress? Sure. Is her real-life personality super annoying? Also yes. I’m super jealous of Kate Middleton, but I also love her. Anne Hathaway has a lot of things I don’t, but I am still not jealous of her because one thing she does have that I don’t is a weird, annoying personality and I don’t want that. Just because somneone doesn’t like something does not mean they are jealous.

    Posted on Reply
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