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By The Betches on

JWoww starts a Twitter war with Bristol Palin over her comments that gay marriage shouldn’t be legal because "it’s important for kids to have a mom and a dad in the house." Since Bristol’s baby daddy Levi Johnston has been shacking up with his new girlfriend and their daughter BJ, this statement gives stupid an entirely different meaning. But while Bristol might be Alaska’s most moronic teen mom, JWoww probs also shouldn’t be giving parenting advice. Her roomie Snooki may have a man in her baby’s life, but we think she’s inches away from recreating the “Tan Mom” story with her newborn and gorilla juicehead husband. We’re not sure whose kid we’re more scared for, but it’s definitely not the gays’. Read article>

In today’s dating story from hell, here’s one more reason to avoid Brooklyn. A fedora-wearing lawyer "wrong texted" his date after she rejected him, calling her a 5.5 out of 10. He continues, “average chicks are always the ones that act like they’re God’s gift.” Chill bro, you clearly sent that text on purpose and this is your karma. The best is when he tries to pretend he was talking about someone else. We assume he went to Touro where they fail to teach you the difference between malum insay and malum being a fucking loser. Read article>

Barry O casually reveals his proclivity towards the Kardashians. In an interview about the issues women really care about in America, The View asked Obama if he knew which Kardashian had a 72 hour marriage. He said he knew Kim but "only because of the basketball player.” Barry, thou doth protest too much. It’s okay that your Sundays consist of ear-splitting screaming matches with Michelle over who was right in the squabble with Khloe and Lamar. We won’t judge you. He also lied and said he didn’t know about the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon but added that he’ll ask Michelle later, noting that she ‘masturbates to it every night’. Read article>

More evidence for why fat people are also really fucking stupid. This article says that eating poor people snacks like Gushers and donuts not only contribute to the obesity problem, but make you way fatter than rich girls who throw up their Godiva chocolates. Ugh, if only betches ruled the world. There would be no such thing as Yodels. Read article>

Anne Hathaway is not only annoying but also a terrible, terrible singer. Here’s a clip of her doing “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Mis, the movie. Yeah, Anne we dreamed a dream too. It was that you would become a fucking first grade teacher like you were meant to and stop taking up the silver screen. Talk about being les miserables, if this bitch didn’t make us want to com sui before, she might as well put a gun to our heads now. Read article>

anne hath les mis

In more evidence for why we love SAB’s and the games they play, this study says that when women are trying to produce they care less about the nerdy losers who are really nice to us and more about the hot assholes who we want to fuck. SHOCKING, we know. Now, if they could only find an article that explains the ugly hot phenomenon science could like, totes take a vacation. Read article>

Your therapist is a mean girl and she doesn’t give a shit about you and your problems. That’s basically the theme of this Wall Street Journal article that says more and more therapists are tired of talking about anyone’s problems but their own and urging their patients to shut the fuck up already. Essentially, even your therapist, who you pay $500 an hour to talk shit to, hates you. "A lot of whiners don't know they whine," says Julie Hanks, a licensed clinical social worker who has a therapy clinic in Salt Lake City. "I want them to ask themselves, 'Would I want to hang out with this person?'" I mean, if my therapist ever spoke to me that way I would answer "no, but that’s why I’m paying you bitch. So shut up and write my Adderall prescription.” Read article>

In a heartwarming case of the gays leading the gays, Ellen DeGeneres has sold her 49 million dollar estate to her favorite Maybe Gay Bro, Ryan Seacrest. The place is on three acres so Seacrest will have plenty of room to host his nonexistent family. However, we hear he’s turning the guest house into a bathhouse and the bathhouse into a sex room, and the sex room into the new E! headquarters. We hope we’re invited soon! Read article>

Adele walks around London in her PJs, looking like shit. No one cares. Surprise surprise, everyone just thought it was another unkempt fat girl. I mean, Adele, we love you but we also wouldn’t REALLY care if we saw you walking down the street. It’s not like we’d be trying to fuck you and it’s not like you’d belt out Rolling in the Deep. Adele proclaims she doesn’t want to be a celebrity and be in magazines. In that case she should put on some fucking spanx and walk around like a normal person. Celebrities, they’re just like us. Except fatter. Read article>

kim and obamaSee, he's even of her preferred race
For this week’s rendition of fucking crazy shit that guys in finance do, we bring you Michael, the type A maniac who makes all his dates fill out a survey after they date him. Aren’t investment bankers just the most romantic!? Swoon. However Mike’s survey has forgotten a few questions so we’ve taken the liberty of adding them. In addition to his question about who paid the check (If you have to ask, that’s already a dealbreaker), we suggest adding: How are Mike’s skills when it comes to scaring the shit out of his young dates? Did you at any point feel that Mike was going to rape and kill you, and then stuff you in his car and bury you under the Morgan Stanley building? Is Mike’s Oedipal complex obvious? What’s with Mike’s obsession with surveys? How appealing is Mike now that you know he surveys his dates after meeting them, as if this were a fucking Time Warner customer satisfaction call? Read article>

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6 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. lj says:

    You guys should do anti-betch of the week starting with Anne Hathaway and moving onto Tswift etc.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Betchessss says:

    I hope you mean malum in se

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    Why didn’t you recap “Mad Men” this week? Sally out-betched the once BotW Betty, and you say nothing?

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    Omg please! Make my hungover morning peruses that much better.

    Posted on Reply
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