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Middleborough Massachusetts wants you to shut the fuck up and stop cursing in public. The town is voting on a law to fine you $20 for cursing in public areas. So like, swearing is a crime now? I guess that means we’re fucked. How many more nice-girl laws are they going to implement before betches are granted their freedoms to life, liberty, and the pursuit of getting fucked up? If you live in Massachusetts vote no to the ban on cursing or forever be branded a cunt. Read article >>

Smother your parents with a pillow now or they are guaranteed to live forever. Turns out people are living longer which means your grandpa’s bank account isn’t going to you anytime soon. Like, seriously how many people have to die for a girl to get a new pair of Louboutins? Fucking old people. Guess you poor people are going to have to resort to a life of 20 dollar birthday checks in the mail for the next hundred or so years. Read article >>

Lady Gaga was so annoying at her concert in New Zealand that one of her backup dancers couldn’t fucking take it anymore and hit her in the head with a pole, thus giving her a concussion. We’re not exactly sure what the name of the allegedly fired dancer was, but if he’s reading this he can come work for us. Next time someone should tell him he should use a big rare steak. Read article >>

Deena from Jersey Shore’s mom and dad can be seen here picking her up from jail. Deena, who is 25 and looks like a 40-year-old inebriated mess, was arrested for dancing in the street drunk and not letting a driver pass. I mean sure we’ve all been there but common bitch, get your shit together. You don’t even look skinny here! It’s just embarrassing. If your daughter is Deena from Jersey Shore you should probably take a serious look at exactly how when and where you went wrong in the parenting department. When your parents and friends are watching your kid discuss giving rim job to gorilla juiceheads on MTV it’s safe to say you probably should’ve gone to a few more little league games. Read article >>

Madonna pulls a Janet Jackson and lets her boob slip out at a concert in Turkey. The queen of pop had some sort of wardrobe malfunction which seems like the kind of shit you might got shot for in a place like Istanbul but whatevs. Life goes on. Another day another nip slip. Props to Mads for taking dressing like a slut to new levels even at the ripe old ass age of 53. Read article >>

R-Patz hates his nickname, makes us want to call him it more. Apparently not a fan of #9 nicknames, Robert Pattinson is looking for Leo DiCaprio style seriousness and wants you to stop calling him R-Patz or he’s going to tell his mom and then she will call the principal who will then call your mom. Seriously though, maybe it’s because all the headlines that describe the impending breakup or marriage of R-Patz and K-Stew sound like some sort of Wal-Mart hillbilly air freshener sale. Maybe it’s because he’s upset he and Kristen didn’t get dubbed some sort of trendy binding nickname like Patinstew or Krisbert or is just shadily angry that RobEn is taken. Whatever it is, time to own your name Robby because if bitching to the Guardian and starring in Water for Elephants with Reese won’t get you the parts you want, nothing will. Read article >>