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By The Betches on

So after receiving an overwhelming response from our fans that voted the next show we should recap is New Girl, we decided to try it out. I think everyone can agree that upon watching the pilot the general opinion was that this show was about an annoying optimistic freak who moved into an apartment of mediocre looking guys and we probably won't continue watching. TG we did because New Girl turned out to be one fucking hysterically brilliant piece of television.

Okay, yes Zooey Deschanel aka Jess is this quirky nice girl who likes weird shit like rainbows, animals, polka dotted dresses, breaking out in spontaneous song, and children. Normally, your immediate reaction to watching such a character prance around on screen would be to projectile vomit. However, don't shove your fingers down your throat too quickly, because for some reason this nice girl is surprisingly entertaining.

 

new girl schmidtNothing hotter than a sexy Jewish santa

 

We are in no way saying that being quirky or teaching kids to play the musical bells is a thing you should do, we're just saying it's funny when Jess does it. But the real comedy in this show lies with a character that we would do ANYTHING to go out with. Yes betches, we're talking about the most endearing douchebag you'll ever see on TV, Schmidt.

The only appropriate way to introduce Schmidt would be to just throw out some of his amazing quotes from the season.

Where in the room do I look sexiest?

The most sexy holidays are the 4th of July, Independence day obviously, Women's history month, and Christmas."

I had figure skating lessons until I was 13, and then my mom sobered up and realized I was a boy.

Can someone please get my towel? It's in my room next to my Irish walking cape.

Look, guys, has anyone seen my good peacoat?

Winston.. did you know that N.W.A. didn’t stand for “never walk alone" ???

Guess whose personalized condoms just arrived!?

Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere!

Schmidt is a one of a kind character, he speaks in more abbrevs than we do for fucks sake. 'Kosher yoggggz.' If that doesn't turn you on then you should definitely reassess your sexuality.

Okay so what happened last episode:

 

new girlHEY wait, you're not Sookie...

 

Winston's trying to hook up with Kahlua from Bridesmaids. Show me your love is eternal face. We literally don't give a shit about this story line.

Nick's plans with his girlfriend, Janice Ian, are ruined when she has to stay at her office late. Ew, work. Whatevs, we're pretty cool with the fact that Janice Ian is on the show but we're not cool with the fact that NICK IS NOT DATING JESS.

Jess, in an attempt to have her first "one night sex," finds Jason from True Blood at a bar. And surprise, he turns out to be a vapid yet extremely gorgeous 'tard. Looks like someone has been typecasted. We both looovee...lunch. When people talk about breakfast being the best meal of the day, I'm like ..what!? What about lunch, man?

Schmidt hooks up with Jess's bestie Cece. I mean, we can't wait for next weeks episode when everyone finds out. Cece's also casually gorgeous but also casually has a stupid fucking name.

LOL: Jess, after calling her vagina 'lil Jess', brings a 100 pack of condoms to the bar. How big was your bag that you could fit that shit? Who are you, Mary Pervert Poppins?

Schmidt Quote of the Night: "Bad idea, you bonded emotionally, if you end up having sex with him it's gonna be missionary with a lot of eye contact. Look that's not one night stand material. I know what I'm talking about I had my 10,000 hours, Outliers? You should read it, Malcom Gladwell, it's one of my desert island books... along with Machiavelli's The Prince, Freak by John Leguizamo, and any of the scripts from the first season of Vampire Diaries."

 

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8 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Megan says:

    I am so thoroughly fucking excited that someone outside of my living room has noticed Schmidt’s hilarity. I’d put a $50 in his Douchebag Jar any day.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Sweet Dee says:

    This entire show, besides a HUMONGOUS girl crush on Zooey, leaves me in stitches every week. It’s fantastic, though I had my doubts in the beginning. Thanks, Betches!

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    LOVE THIS SHOWWW

    Posted on Reply
  4. E says:

    AHHH FINALLY - this show is fucking genius.  “instead of airports he says, ‘airps’”.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    OMG!!! Thank God you started recapping this show!! Excellent choice Betches!

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    “Who are you, Mary Pervert Poppins?”

    Bahaha love this site.

    Posted on Reply
  7. Mami says:

    I agree, this show turned out to be surprisingly good. Love how Schmidt says “chutney”

    Posted on Reply
  8. Rick says:

    I definitely agree. Schmidt is one of the funniest characters I’ve seen in a long time. Also, the show really meshes well. I was skeptical during the first couple episodes, but the show’s only been getting better since then. I like all the main characters a lot.

    Posted on Reply
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