BETCHES LOVE THIS

Welcome back Schmidt lovers, it's been a while since May but we couldn't be happier New Girl is back. Honestly, I didn't really know what I was going to do with myself during the two week hiatus of no new television other than watch Awkward marathons and cry that I am actually exposing my beautiful mind to Real World Challenge Battle of the Seasons. (Frank and Zach are totally going to hookup by the end of the season.)

Last night's two episode premiere of the second season of New Girl reminded us why we love this show: Schmidt, shower diaper and all. But as we said in the finale's recap, we really hope the producers don't fuck his character up by overdoing it. Thankfully, they didn't last night.

Jess:

Jess loses her job and hooks up with hot Sam, the actor from that show Bent that no one in the world but I watched, who also happens to eerily look and sound exactly like Dylan from Modern Family.

It pains me to say this because I hate quirky-know-they're-cute-no-prescription-glasses-polka-dotted-underwear people but I was thoroughly impressed by Jess last night. From referring to a frittata as egg pie (Schmidt: Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this, prison?) to creating creepy felt art (It's multi cloth collage! ) to being a borderline mentally challenged shot girl (Anybody want me to wet their whistle?) to being unable to sext (see below), Jess/ Katie killed it.

"So I had the best sex of my life last night, he brewed me like a fine chamomile."

On the aforementioned sex:
Jess: "Katie knows how the sausage gets made"
Nick: "Ew"

"Is there a hot way of saying 'I don't feel sexy after I've had a lot of cheese?'"

Jess's text to the fat guy:
"Just kidding, get ready for a night you will never forget...because once you see my body you will go brain dead and have memory loss...send! Oh no autocorrect changed body to meat bar."

"I'm a good teacher, I care about my kids! I spent a 2 months in summer school with an Indian student named Vaj Rejuve and I did not laugh once, not once!"

Nick:

Nick and Jess are going to fall in love and then this show is going to get boring so the producers are going to drag the flirting out as long as fucking possible, or in other words: good TV.

Sooo like who else Nick was really hot last night, and by Nick we mean old man Looper Nick. There's something about white hair a nice set of dentures that makes me want to give head.

The only other notable thing that happeend with him is that when he was leaping around the apartment as a dancer half cricket I almost cried laughing, which was weird, so let's forget about that.

Nick telling Jess she is a horrible shot girl: "This is the easiest job in the whole world, the only thing easier than this is passing out cigarettes to prisoners... and what if I wanted to take a body shot off you? I cant, because you're wearing a turn of the century bathing costume."

Winston:

Barely any portion of the plot line was allocated to Winston so I was content.

Schmidt:

If there's anything that majoring in marketing and minoring in theater studies has taught Schmidt is that everyone has a brand so he decided to "rebrand" himself (we have that in common, you'll see in a couple of weeks) by showing the world/Cece that his penis is finally fixed (we do not have that in common). Other than the fact that Cece's new boyfriend could/may have been on the Office or Mad Men, there's not much else to do here but list Schmidt's quotes because the writers were on their game last night. Also, Parker Posey was unreal, "I do accept payment in the form of whip-its because I've got a phd, pretty heavy drug problem."

On his broken penis: I know what you've been thinking, and the answer is yes.. I have been able to reach completion with some very precise and vigorous nipple play.

Winston: "Who are you going to invite?"
Schmidt: "The ladies from Lululemon, my urologist, my badminton partner, my financial partner, Philip Seymour Hoffman."

"Can you believe the zoo didn't let me borrow their white tiger? The nerve. Philip Seymour Hoffman is gonna be like look at that idiot, couldn't even get a big cat."

On Winston's work suit: "Suit? That's something they put on Morgan Freeman when they let him out on Shawshank."

"Did you see Cece's new boyfriend? The commoner. There needs to be an explanation for this like he's the Lord of Winterfell."

On Winston's mother: "Historically speaking, I'm like catnip to tough talking African American women. It's cus I don't front."

Again, on Winston's mother: "The loft just became Big Momma's House!"

Honestly, this episode was great down to the very last few seconds when Schmidt and Winston's sister reenacted a scene from He Got Game but I still thought it was more like Love and Basketball.

So betches, what did you think? And don't even get us started on our opinions on that new show starring that Stanford girl from The Social Network/casually Melanie Griffith's daughter and that guy with the bad teeth. Fuck Fox for making me watch that. But we did like Mindy Kaling's. Want us to recap?