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By The Betches on

Holy fucking girl porn. Last night’s episode of “New Girl” totally made up for all the previous head-scratching episodes that have been boring as fuck (ex: Nick in the swimming pool, the one with Nick’s dad etc.).  In short, OMGBESTEPISODEEVER.

Nick steals his neighbor’s Inspector Gadget trench-coat after the package gets delivered to their apartment (we forgive the writers from stealing this storyline from the “Friends” cheesecake episode) and refuses to take it off because he thinks it makes him more outgoing. Turns out the trench-coat has magical powers because he actually manages to use his pathetic, 80 year-old, cranky ass charm at the bar to chat up a noticeably brunette Brooklyn Decker. Schmidt’s not happy because he can’t understand how a loser with a sob story wearing a woman’s coat could score Brooklyn’s attention. We agreed with Schmidt until we remembered she’s married to Andy Roddick, so gremlin looking men are clearly her type.

Winston brings nothing to the table as usual. He can’t manage to talk to any girls at the bar, which we totally buy because he sucks. He ends up chatting with the Asian psycho from the Social Network. She attempts to make him somewhat more interesting than the paper box Jess wears this episode. Jess is left at home because Nick realizes she’s his “cooler” AKA cockblock, which we would believe if Nick possessed any game whatsoever. Jess thinks someone’s breaking in and freaks out and obv calls her knight-in-shining-loser Nick to come rescue her and we’re like awww but immediately forget about it because Jess looks skinny in her bra. Everyone comes home and plays “True American: Clinton Edition”, or what appears to be the best game ever so Jess can help Nick get some and prove she’s not a cooler. I wish I could understand at least one rule because they make jumping on shit and getting fucked up look like a fucking blast.

Cece shows up with her British Indian man-friend and everyone joins in on harassing Nick & Jess to kiss as part of “True American.” Nick obviously drops the ball…only to make up for it in the best plot development to ever grace “New Girl” when Nick spontaneously grabs Jess in the hallway and pulls her in for a surprisingly non-nauseating and insanely adorable make out sesh and we were all like YES.  Nick sometimes sucks and Jess is annoying but together they’re the suckiest and most annoyingly charming Jessnicka.

Other Shining Moments:

Cece's date about Schmidt: “I’m sorry... you love that small, shiny man?”

Jess on being scared: “Seriously, I think it may be gang related. I’ve always been worried about my blue curtains…Crips.”

Schmidt on seducing Brooklyn: "Sometimes I urniate when the wind bows…::makes wind sound::…ce...ce…You know, I left something in the desert that day: my faith in true love and my biracial child"

Schmidt in True American: “It’s Abu Nazir!”

14 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. dontmissquoteschmidt says:

    schmidt said “sometimes I HEAR HER NAME in the wind….ce ce” urinating makes no sense, le duh.

    Posted on Reply
  2. mary says:

    after the Kiss the Best part of the whole episode is when Schmidt passes the fuck out!

    Posted on Reply
    • betchybetch says:

      totes agree. best part of the episode. i actually LOLed for once

      Posted on Reply
  3. Carly says:

    Best episode ever! When Schmidt says “it is like taffy pulling on a hot summer’s day” I died. Also we need to find the rules for True American

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      It really is the best game once you’re able to figure out all the rules

      Posted on Reply
  4. Kelsey says:

    The asian girl is definitely from the disney channel - brenda song

    Posted on Reply
    • omg says:

      THANKYOU for mentioning that. I was like seriously she is not “FROM” the social network, she’s from Zack and Cody mostly, Wendy Wu Homecoming Warrior, Get A Clue, and a bunch of other sht that was particulary special.

      Posted on Reply
      • wowww says:

        the fact that you know all this Disney Channel shit is soooo not betchy. weak.

        Posted on Reply
  5. Your Name says:

    in love with schmidt

    Posted on Reply
  6. Betch says:

    *I hear her name

    Posted on Reply
  7. katie says:

    Can’t believe Jess’s blatantly racist Kenya/Zimbabwe running comments didn’t get a mention

    Posted on Reply
  8. anon says:

    Is that their ship name? Jessnicka? thanks for clearing that up betches because i’ve been shipping a ship with no name for way too long.

    Posted on Reply
  9. cheers betch says:

    tots Brenda Song, I thought the same thing

    Posted on Reply
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