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By The Betches on

“If you want a scary black lady to like you, compliment her nails. It always works for me at the bank” -- Jenna Maroney, 30 Rock

Let’s travel back to an age long ago called 2008. It was a simpler time. Blackberries and Whitney Houston were still relevant, loving Chris Brown was a guilt-free way to be, but more importantly our nails were one of two things: painted pink/red, or like, Wicked. Now flash to today and tell me…what the fuck color are your nails? Gray? Orange? Teal with a gold cross?

We don’t know exactly what happened. Maybe it was (God help us) a trend started by Lady Gaga. Maybe Anna Wintour wore Russian navy pants and flip flops. It's unclear because we remember a time when our moms allowed us to wear black nail polish only if it was Halloween yet now you're only cool if your collection contains 50 different shades of black. It's safe to say that now in 2012, the color of your nails is just as pivotal to your ensemble as the height of your heels or the concavity of your collarbone.

So, always at the forefront of trendiness, betches got on board. We casually bought a few dozen bottles and immediately set ourselves apart from the rest of the TTH flosers by switching to colors that Frenchly manicured nicegirls could never pull off. And as time passed, the manicures became even more outrageous, and therefore more chic. Ombre mani? Sure. Extending a black "french tip" to the perimeter of each nail? Loves it. Making your nail long and pointy then color coordinating the manicure with your nationality? Count me in.

Although painting one’s own nails is seriously povo, learning to do our own nails without seeming like we did so blindfolded has given us the potential for gay-pride-flag levels of nail color diversity. I mean obviously the nail place remains a spiritual betch mecca, but when we decided we wanted to change our color bi-daily, or maybe just repaint one finger a completely random non-matching color (a completely sane trend), we need to take matters into our own hands when we don't always have the time or sobriety to make it to the manicurist.

Not to mention the obvious: the nail salon experience is fucking cumbersome. Have you ever walked out of there not feeling like you just ran a marathon? You make an appointment with your favorite Korean refugee whos casually named Kathy. Once you arrive she immediately starts talking shit about you in her native tongue and finally you ask if somethings wrong. Oh no honey, you fine, nail look good, you so pretty you pretty girl you have a boy?

Seriously between the dozen Asian ladies telling you to like, pick a color, and the hour of fake convo with a woman who knows 5 Engrrish words, getting your nails done is never enjoyable. Add in the fumes which get you more high than you were when you walked in (which was very), and you're practically back in a high school chemistry lab, except worse because instead of just copying the notes of the person next to you, the person next to you is suggesting you need an upper lip waxing when you all you asked for was a fucking top coat.

Let’s talk about brands. When it comes to polish, you basically have two options: Essie and OPI. Some betches are loyal to one, while others have no qualms mix and matching. It’s a personal preference really as Essie frequently kills it with the seasonal trends while OPI is great for more classic hues. Of course Dior, Chanel, etc. all have lines and are great but nail polish is the one purchase where the designer option is not always preferable. They don't come out with colors as often as the standard brands and unless your entire collection is loyal to one company, the designer bottles will just offset the aesthetic of your nail polish display. Oh and it goes without saying that the 4 dollar bottles from CVS should only be purchased as a Secret Santa gift for the fat secretary in your office who always tells your boss when you’re a few hours late in the morning.

So betches, we assume you’re reading this post between waiting for your coats to dry. If you’re not then you probably should be. After all, you can’t prof pic yourself holding a vodka soda with fugly unpainted nails, or even worse, Fiji.

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50 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. CK says:

    OPI is for Kardashians, Essie is for betches.

    Posted on Reply
  2. belle says:

    Fiji is one of my favorite colors! Essie all the way.

    Posted on Reply
    • betchyyy says:

      fiji is the best. get it right

      Posted on Reply
  3. EssieBetch says:

    Fiji is 100% betchy. Soft pale pink shades are perfect.

    Posted on Reply
  4. rach says:

    This post was great but I still love Fiji! Also—no mention/making fun of nail stickers???

    Posted on Reply
    • Katie says:

      Like actually, though. Nail stickers are just tacky.

      Posted on Reply
  5. Freshly Manicured Nails says:

    What about Gels or Shellac? Or color changing nail polish with your body temperature. It’s like the new Betchiest thing to do. DUH! But I am on team OPI and of course Chanel.

    Posted on Reply
  6. Kate says:

    just because we don’t eat Butter doesn’t mean we don’t wear it on our nails, seriously where’s the love for Butter London or Deborah Lippman?

    Posted on Reply
    • Nail Betch says:

      Yes! I was wondering the same exact thing!

      Posted on Reply
  7. Sylv says:

    Fiji and Turquoise and Caicos never let’s me down. Major betch increase when wearing

    Posted on Reply
  8. nailart fanatic says:

    The era of OPI and essie is gone…it’s more chic to use Butter London and Deborah Lipmann, just saying.

    Posted on Reply
  9. mani-betch says:

    calm your shit betches don’t purchase bottles of nail polish….. we just pick out the best at the salon. duh

    Posted on Reply
    • true mani-betch says:

      Actually, betches purchase bottles of polish to be kept at the salon in our own special drawer, with our own tools.  I don’t want to use the same polish/tools as the masses.  Fucking duh.

      Posted on Reply
  10. betchin says:

    A true betch uses Butter London, or shellac if the colour’s worth committing to.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      this is the only betch on here who knows what she’s talking about. estmans s750

      Posted on Reply
  11. betchyy says:

    Butter for sure.

    Posted on Reply
  12. FIJI says:

    FIJI ALL THE WAY

    Posted on Reply
  13. Elizabeth says:

    Have you ever heard of Julep?
    Betches check it——> julep.com

    Posted on Reply
  14. Betchlove says:

    Essie by far, but Figi is my favorite by far. Seriously, good post until the end.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Betch says:

    How come you can’t spell Fiji? Obvi you don’t drink the water.

    Posted on Reply
  16. anon says:

    Don’t insult Fiji, even though its hard as fuck to apply its still a great shade.

    Posted on Reply
  17. anon says:

    Where did that first picture come from? I’ve seen it on fb and like, I don’t get it.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      breaking bad duh

      Posted on Reply
    • mermaidhairr says:

      jesus christ get off this post

      Posted on Reply
  18. db12345 says:

    getting the manicure is a pleasant experience… unless you go to some 2nd class manicure place you probs would hate it. but where i go these asian women give me free smoothies and massages

    Posted on Reply
  19. betch says:

    Jin Soon obvi has the best colors

    Posted on Reply
  20. Nope. says:

    True betches wear butter London. The most expensive and prettiest nail polish. And it’s British…

    Posted on Reply
  21. california says:

    Essie, OPI and butter London, fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  22. CS says:

    Amazing post! But I love Fiji :(

    Posted on Reply
  23. Search? says:

    Betches your new site has a ton of glitches. I’m trying to search “a strongly worded letter to the condensation on my iced coffee” to send to my friend who was bitching about it today, and it’s not in the letter section (nothing is?) or a search result. I obviously am not interested in doing work so that’s the only searching I’m going to do. Get it together betches, please. How can we spread the gospel if you’re making us work to do it?

    Posted on Reply
  24. No says:

    Fucking stupid. Lets waste time and write an article on painting our own nails - which no one does, and then bash the best Essie color of all time.

    Posted on Reply
  25. fiji says:

    Relax ladies: perhaps Fiji was directed towards the brand of bottled water as an alternative to vodka soda i.e. you cannot drink a bottle of water without properly manicured hands? If not, then yes, you absolutely missed the mark. Some sort of frosty shimmery pink: sure that’s terrible but a light pink creme? That’s a classic.

    Posted on Reply
  26. jenna says:

    i love fiji!

    Posted on Reply
  27. color change says:

    loyal to opi even though it apparently gives you cancer(?) can’t get enough bubble bath when i feel like i need a dose of audrey hepburn in my life. also java mauce-a helps a becth stay classy at work [in my betchy world, the hubs and i are BOTH pros..or DINKs as we call ourselves. dual income no kids]. pinterest has made it especially fun to spend my thirsty thursday night trying not to fuck up a creative paint-job over a bottle of vino - but i must admit, i suck so bad at painting my dominant hand i’ve opten for “color changes”. screw the massage, i don’t have time for that shit, but i need me some come again see you next tiiiiime XD

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      java mauve-a**

      Posted on Reply
  28. fiji says:

    theyre making a jab at fiji because it was all long island girls wore on their fingernails in the 7th grade. fiji ended with the year 2004, but its okay if you dont get that just because you didnt have the money to grow up in new york hahah

    Posted on Reply
    • duh says:

      sorry foreigners

      Posted on Reply
  29. essie says:

    or bust.

    Posted on Reply
  30. anon says:

    opi all the fucking way

    Posted on Reply
  31. Fiji says:

    “So betches, we assume you’re reading this post between waiting for your coats to dry. If you’re not then you probably should be. After all, you can’t prof pic yourself holding a vodka soda with fugly unpainted nails, or even worse, Fiji.”

    Fiji is amazing stfu

    Posted on Reply
  32. Your Name says:

    honestly not loyal to just essie or opi. sometimes essie has better colors and sometimes opi does.

    Posted on Reply
  33. futuredeb says:

    Nail polish in anything but red/pink or neutrals is tacky looking and therefore not betchy

    Posted on Reply
  34. NBC says:

    Your 30 Rock headline quote is not a Jenna Maroney quote, it’s a Pete Hornberger quote. Right series, wrong performer.

    Posted on Reply
  35. Melissa says:

    Not a fan of this article.  This seems like it was written by a poor person.  I always bring my own Chanel or Lippmann Collection to the manicurist.

    Posted on Reply
  36. Mia says:

    oh em gee my jaw dropped when I read fiji. i guess my 8th grade color has to go!!!

    Posted on Reply
  37. Comment says:

    Fiji is just a pale pink that looks pretty much like any other pale pink. Why does it matter?

    Posted on Reply
  38. queenbetch says:

    what the fuck.
    Chanel Frenzy.
    fucking duh

    Posted on Reply
  39. lexa says:

    Used to be devoted to Essie until I discovered the magic that is Zoya. Literally no competition, it’s just hard to find.

    Posted on Reply
  40. me says:

    um ok butter and julep are the best.  they at least deserve an honorable mention in this

    Posted on Reply
  41. Lili says:

    That quote is from Pete Hornberger not Jenna!!!

    Posted on Reply
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