BETCHES LOVE THIS

While nicegirls probably spent last weekend like, playing Jenga, betches from across the world were found deep in the Las Vegas desert rolling fucking face at a three-day installment of what can only be described as Fear Factor, los drogas edition.

This was our second EDC but between bathsalts and zombies this time was assured to be extra fucking intense. So we were like, prepared for people to try to ingest us. What we were not prepared for was a desert storm that shut down the entire festival on Saturday. Right in the middle of Calvin Harris’ set, just as we were contemplating popping another pill, we were told to leave…so like that killed our roll.

But fuck what we missed. Let’s talk about what we did see: lots and lots of nipples and ass cheeks. Oh and some DJs.

Notable occurrences:

- An onscreen tribute to DJ AM: not exactly a Tupac hologram but it was still pretty wild

- Pretty Lights was dece

- There really were multiple people tripping on bath salts.

- Aoki casually showed up and crowd surfed till 4 am on Sunday night, but we're not surprised,  seeing as he's deeper in the EDM rave scene than Jennifer Aniston's emotional wounds.

Bassnectar: Throughout the weekend, we never felt more sincerely “thizzing” than we did during Bassnectar. Hearing “Va Va Voom” live sent us into a euphoric encapsulation of classic dubstep and it was fucking awesome. Our ears were bleeding, but in like a chic way.

Bingo Players: Haven’t heard of Bingo Players yet? First of all, embarrassing for you. Second, you fucking will. Definitely the most energetic set. Throughout its entirety, everyone was jumping around like toddlers in a bouncy house...if those toddlers had just snorted three lines of cocaine in a porta potty.

Armin van buuren: Arguably the best overall set of the entire event, for sure the most transcending. He initiated the ideal bass-induced stupor which we set out to find at the start of the weekend. “Not Giving Up On Love” was so fiery it melted off our fucking faces.

Kaskade: Best visuals hands down go to our boy K and his Fire and Ice tour. He had all these insane flames/fireworks, and I’m pretty sure there were people parachuting on stage but it also could've been the drugs. During his light show we felt like we were looking at the world through some sort of ecstasy kaleidoscope. The highlight of his set was definitely the “Lessons in Love” intro, but honestly at this point in the evening our pupils were already the size of dinner plates and we would have been happy listening to the humming of a garbage disposal for an hour.

Avicii: One of the biggest disappointments of Saturday night getting shutdown (other than the obvious 300,000 people who were suddenly left music-less with nowhere to go but while still rolling balls) was the fact that it preempted the set of our beloved Avicii. Thankfully, in what may qualify as the most surprising act of kindness of 2012 next to Jessica Simpson finally setting free the toddler growing inside her, Guetta gave up half his set for the Vic-mister. Even though at this point I’m more excited to watch my grandmother take her wig off when she’s drunk than listen to Levels, it just wouldn’t be EDC if we didn’t get to hear it.