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By The Betches on

Dear Head Pro,

Out of curiosity, what is your take on blow jobs on first dates? I understand that sex is a solidified "no" on a first date...

Would giving head on the first date terminate all potential of a second date?

I'd love to hear your opinion on this. Thanks!

Sincerely,

Not a slutty betch, but it happens.

Dear Slutty Betch,

Man, I HATE it when a blowjob happens. I’m just minding my own business, filing my taxes or ironing my socks or whatever, and then BAM, dick in my mouth. You’re right, there’s really nothing you can do about it sometimes.

Let’s do some Real Talk, gurlfriend. Blowjobs are not a “safe alternative,” or even an “alternative” to sex, the same way clam chowder is not an “alternative” to soup. It is soup. A blowjob is sex. If you ever wonder if you’re having sex, take this quick quiz: Are any of your orifices and/or extremities in possession of sex parts that are not the ones you were born with? If yes, then you are either having sex or are a surgeon, both of which are wonderful circumstances.

In a way, blowjobs are actually more intimate than “sex” sex, if you ask me. With coitus, you’re both sweating and grunting and putting parts in the places they were designed to go and at least mutually trying to have a good time of it. With a beej, you’re performing a service. You’re getting nothing out of that, save for MAYBE the satisfaction of someone else’s arousal. I feel like blowjobs are best reserved for skittish high school kids and boyfriends, because hey buddy pay attention I’m doing you a fucking favor here (or at least I imagine that’s how girls feel while they’re polishing my pole).

Bottom line, if you’re sucking dick in lieu of having p-in-v sex because it’s a first date and you don’t think you’re ready for sex and/or it would be “inappropriate,” then you don’t need to be doing anything of the sort. If you want to fuck someone, fuck them (safely). The guy’s not exactly going to think you’re Helen of Troy after you slobbed his nob in the alley behind P.F. Chang’s, anyway. Blowjobs are not the clam chowder you’re looking for.

Ki- FUCK, sorry, another blowjob “happened”

Kisses,

Head Pro

 


 

Dear Head Pro,

So I have a sort of moral question: do I tell my guy best friend that I fucked his other best friend? First off, I know that y'all say that girls and guys can't be best friends, but we are. Yes, we've had a few drunk make outs, but it always stops there and we are completely just friends. But back to the question, his best friend from high school that goes to our college and I were hooking up for a couple months at the beginning of the year, and he's been trying all summer to pick it back up since we're from the same hometown. I'm def not interested anymore, but now that the situation is coming back, I'm starting to feel guilty about it happening in the first place. The first time we had a drunk make out at a fraternity party, my guy friend didn't talk to either of us for a week because he was so pissed about it. So I'm pretty sure he will never talk to me again if he knows we had sex on the reg for like 3 months... I feel guilty having this secret from him because I know it would upset him, but at the same time I don't want to lose one of my closest friends. What should I do?

In need of your sage wisdom,

I'm not a slut I swear

Dear I Swear (love that song, both the All 4 One and John Michael Montgomery versions),

You may not be a slut, but you’re definitely a delusional moron. Do you know who I’ve never, ever had a drunken makeout session with? ALL of my friends, male and female alike. Why? Because you don’t make out with your friends, just as you don’t shower with your dad or let your dog lick peanut butter off your privates. If this guy, purportedly your friend, is willing to make out with you MORE THAN ONCE, he is not a friend. He is someone who is willing to make out with you, which, barring any complications, probably also makes him someone who wants to have sex with you.

You know who doesn’t get irrationally angry with me when I sleep with someone they know? ALL of my friends, male and female. That’s because they are my friends, and what I do with my sex parts is my business, and they know that. Sure, they may offer concern,  like “Head Pro, that girl gets around, I hope you used a condom,” or “Head Pro, that’s a stuffed animal you’re trying to have sex with go home you are drunk,” but not rage. You know who would get irrationally angry about you fucking his friend AND be willing to make out with you? A jealous, impotent, would-be lover.

This guy of yours is many things: A pussy, a loser, etc, but “a close friend of yours” is not one of them. He wants to do you, and you don’t want to do your friends. It’s as simple as that. I could see him getting upset if the guy you were banging was some kind of tremendous dirtbag, but in that case why would he be friends with him? He’s just mad that his buddy had the balls to make some moves and take you to the boneyard and CRUSH THAT PUSSY BRO.

If he were your friend, it would not be any of his business who you’re fucking, but he thinks it is, so he is not. If he cries about it, you’re not losing a friend. You’re losing an emotional dumpster, and the two of you have been exploiting one another for years now. Drop the baggage and bullshit “friends” and get on with your life.

Jealous kisses,

Head Pro

37 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. as always, solid advice from head pro says:

    i think WAY too many girls think they’re obligated to suck dick and don’t take time to actually think about what sucking dick entails—submitting yourself to please someone else, which is totally fine for a boyfriend/someone you like, but for a random guy you just met at a bar? no. just no.

    Posted on Reply
    • true says:

      couldnt have said it better

      Posted on Reply
    • mysticriver says:

      i disagree. fellatio isn’t always an act of submission.  when i meet an guy that i am very physically attracted to i want to devour him, his dick included. i almost can’t help myself. to me his penis is like a yummy meal or a toy to play with.  i get to pleasure my mouth and senses with it. i’m more concerned with my own pleasure than his.  as long as its two consenting adults who accept whatever consequences good or bad,  then there’s no reason or necessary condition.

      Posted on Reply
  2. well said says:

    the second one was so accurate. guys don’t just happen to make out with you more than once if they’re “just friends.” girls can be so delusional

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      IDK, when I’m drunk I’ve had it happen and it ends there, but that friend would NEVER get me shit for hooking up with one of his friends. He’d probably be stoked that two of his favourite people got together. The second girl’s case is DEFINITELY a friend with secret feelings based on that alone.

      Posted on Reply
  3. French Betch says:

    Give blowjob once you’ve had great sex. Don’t know why you’d even think about it without wanting his penis where it feels good but anyway.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Been there Betch says:

    I gave a guy a blowy on the first date once. Apparently it was so bad he assumed I wasn’t slutty..which let’s be honest, I was. We’ve been together for 4 years now so maybe there’s some merit in blozza giving after all.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      Your relationship worked out despite the first-night-shitty-blowjob, not because of it. two very different things.

      Posted on Reply
    • lalabeejobs says:

      As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that there is nothing gratifying about giving a blow job UNLESS I actually like a guy. Determining if I actually like a guy happens after a while. Even then, I’m like, I don’t really love this. I have to be the right kind of wine drunk (but not too drunk) to want to suck dick. And, Jesus, it’s the worst if they want you do to it to completion.

      Posted on Reply
  5. Your Name says:

    Little unnecessiarily harsh to the second girl. But yea—your “best guy friend” is prob in love with you and would be crushed about discovering his best buddy was able to get out of the friend zone and inside you while he continues to suffer.

    Posted on Reply
  6. duh says:

    questions to ask before giving a bj

    1. how much do i like this guy?
    2. what has he done to deserve this?
    3. is he going to please me in return?
    4. why do i want to suck this dick? (because i like him? or because i’m afraid he won’t like me if i don’t?)

    Posted on Reply
    • Dee says:

      So accurate. Also great questions to ask before having sex…

      Posted on Reply
  7. lcw says:

    you aren’t funny and are probably gay for giving advice on this website.

    Posted on Reply
  8. kels says:

    CRUSH THAT PUSSY omg dying. best post in a while Head Pro! That girl was delusional, duhh he wants you.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Sylvia says:

    some of your best work. hilarious

    Posted on Reply
  10. hannah says:

    umm no bj’s don’t have to be intimate ...yes you’re doing a service, but when i give a bj, i get aroused at the thought of someone liking what I’m doing….
    we keep pretending like we’re moving forward with women and sex, but then we go to this boulshit about how certain things are intimate
    a woman can suck a dick and it can mean absolutely nothing special
    grow up you fucking church nuns
    stop making everything sexual sooooooo intimate

    Posted on Reply
    • Betcha betch says:

      Hey I agree!
      I gave my 30 old BF a BJ on the first date and we’ve been together for 2 years.
      I asked him later if he ever thought of cutting it off after that and he said it never occurred to him to do that. If a guy is feeling you, a guy is feeling you. BJ or none, he will ask you on a second date if he wants you. To the betch who wrote the first post, the head pro is only going with one perspective. His.
      All is not dead after a BJ!!!!!

      Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      “when i give a bj, i get aroused at the thought of someone liking what I’m doing,” says the girl who likes sucking random dick. sounds like someone has daddy issues

      Posted on Reply
    • yup! says:

      Hear hear! I agree. If you wanna give a bj, and he wants it, go ahead. I find head pro’s advice a little on the slut shamey side.

      (this is coming from a dyke. i feel bad for girls who don’t get to have sex whenever with whomever without being judged. break free of the chains of society, my sisters!)

      Posted on Reply
  11. Betch City says:

    Head pro makes sex sound really unappetizing. Like two pigs in a den. 
    Besides this, post was great.
    BJs should be after sex.

    Posted on Reply
  12. Your Name says:

    I think these posts are hilarious!
    But head pro, you never answered the question for the girl in the first post.
    I wonder if she ever got a 2nd date…...........,,

    Posted on Reply
  13. Annoyed betch says:

    Damn these “Aerie pillowsoft bras”  ads are fucking annoying

    Posted on Reply
  14. gay betch says:

    lol @ all these straight girls talking about how giving a blowjob is a “service”. if you don’t like doing it, let us gays blow your boyfriends wink

    Posted on Reply
  15. BJ queen says:

    Personally, I think I’m really not good at sex, but I’m incredible at giving BJs. Given to 5 different guys in my life, all of whom have said it was the best they’ve ever had.

    That being said, it’s all about perspective and if you’re happy and realistic with your situation. I’ve been happiest giving BJs to my boyfriends because it’s from an emotional place—a selfless act, and seeing them happy makes me happy.

    I’ve also been satisfied giving BJs instead of sex with random hookups. It’s less personal for me because it’s actually quicker and easier than sex (and pregnancy risk free).

    The only time you should NOT give a BJ is:
    1. You really like a guy, and finally have the chance to hook up with him. Don’t blow him the first time! Make him wait and work for it. Don’t fuck things up too early. There still needs to be some mystery to it.
    2. You want a guy to like you/you want him to think you’re cool. Then, you’re not doing it for you or for the right reasons. You’re too worried about what the guy thinks, and this is bad for your self-esteem. Don’t let your self worth be dictated by you putting out.

    I say this to try and help betches keep reality in line so you don’t get hurt down the line! Best of luck!

    Posted on Reply
    • Umm says:

      Maybe no risk of pregnancy, but definitely at risk for chlamydia, herpes and hpv. Blow your boyfriends not your hook ups. Sucking dick is personal. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying it, but be choosy for fucks sake.

      Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      Well written! I find this empowering…

      Posted on Reply
  16. O says:

    I honestly completely disagree with your opinion on giving head…ha. shouldn’t you actually care more about your rep of being the best at giving head as opposed to being a trashy whore who has sex on the first date? let’s be real, everyones sexual in their nature and if it happens its always better to give head than an 8th grade handjob because sex is out of the question..don’t ya think? and ps you should be picky enough about a guy you hook up with before you actually do it, so that if head actually happens at least itll be a guy you get props for, no?

    Posted on Reply
  17. uhhh... says:

    “If you ever wonder if you’re having sex, take this quick quiz: Are any of your orifices and/or extremities in possession of sex parts that are not the ones you were born with?”

    So being intimate with someone of the same sex isn’t sex as defined by you? Im sure you werent trying to be a dick by excluding gay or lesbian sex, but come on. Get it together and be inclusive of all orientations.

    Posted on Reply
    • Agreed! says:

      I think the head pro didn’t answer well at all this time. It was entertaining. But man, is he closed minded. This Is like his way of mind fucking the universe and tricking all of us to go home run on the first date versus other options. I personally wouldn’t give a BJ on the first date now.. I have done it in the past which didn’t really help me out with a 2nd date. But still, I would have rather done that then fuck. Seriously head pro! Are you even considering oxytocin? When women fuck we get attached!!! At least with a BJ were still in control. You should re-write this post.

      Posted on Reply
    • Ummmm fucking dumb much? says:

      Just because you were born with ‘a’ vagina, doesn’t mean you were born with some other girl’s vagina.

      “parts that are not the ones you were born with” including any other persons parts regardless of gender

      Posted on Reply
    • uhhhh....what says:

      I may be gay, but I wasn’t born with a dick up my who-ha or in my mouth.  From a ladies perspective, not to many born with another’s breasts, booty, or snatch in their hands - excluding some rare occasion twin-simultaneous-birth. Head Pro wasn’t excluding you.  Rest assured.

      Posted on Reply
  18. Confused says:

    The betches should have answered the first question. I get it. Safety first. But why would sleeping with the dude be safer than a BJ? This is completely irrational.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Megan says:

    I can’t believe I’m sharing my ‘secret’ but here it is: HONEY. If you want to provide yourself and your partner the best experience, grab some honey and take 2 Tblsp.’s (or more) of hone before you indulge. It secretes the saliva glands in your mouth and you’ll be/he’ll be slipping and sliding on honey heaven! I keep an h-bear in the goodie drawer next to the bed. You’ll love me for this trick. By the way, the best thing you could do is to read a book called Jack’s BJ Lessons (jacksblowjoblessons.com), it transformed my sex life.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Lol says:

    Did you people ever think that some woman actually like giving blow jobs? Lol you guys are ridiculous making guys fill out applications and handing out resumes to see if he’s qualified to get a bj from you. Blow him if you like sucking dick or don’t blow him if you don’t like sucking dick, it’s really that simple. Arrogant sluts think they need to be fucked in the face by the greatest man with the greatest dick in the world, sit down sluts you all deserve the same type of dick.

    Posted on Reply
  21. anonymous says:

    I agree with LOL. This “Women don’t get anything out of bj’s” is nonsense. There are women that experience their own physical sensations when giving oral. The mouth is an erogenous zone, and a woman can also be fingered or have her breasts massaged. People that assume that women don’t gt anything out of it are either 1 ) vanilla 2) projecting their own dislike

    Posted on Reply
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