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By The Betches on

Soooooo, we fucked up. We understand that our readers take each post quite seriously, so we’d like to apologize for post #34, BBM. We’re saying sorry not because we offended anyone, we sort of hope we did, but because a betch’s choice of cell phone should not be limited to the Blackberry. Fuck all of the things we said BBM is good for, the Blackberry is a piece of shit. BBM was great in theory but it's annoying to screen messages on a phone as useful as the J that was Casey Anthony's prosecution (J means joke, for our geriatric readers).

Hence the great betch migration to Steve Jobs' promised land. All hail the iPhone.

Iphone painting

Let’s face it, BBM is a prison and our obsession with it was like a case of fucking Stockholm Syndrome. But finally, #45 graduation cometh and suddenly having a Blackberry was like tweeting #winning two weeks after Charlie Sheen’s rants. You don’t even realize how nice it is to lose the feeling of obligation to answer people until you no longer have BBM. It almost makes you want to answer them more.

We all knew this switch was going to happen sooner or later because Apple products have always been superior to anything else in their industry. Like who doesn’t feel uncomfortable when you’re forced to use a PC or find out a close friend actually has one? Makes you reassess your entire friendship. PCs are for poor people and the government.

Apple reflects everything that a betch aims to represent. It’s sleek, chic, and ahead of its time. The products make life easier, aiding betches in #36 never doing work, and are therefore amazing. Companies try to sell PCs by lowering the price, but Apple makes shit expensive. Betches respond well to elitist marketing strategies.

Anyways, we're die hard for the iPhone now. A betch can rule the world from her iPhone. Shit syncs from your phone to your iTunes to your iCal to your fucking heart monitor. The only thing it's missing is a #31 wine opener app.

Also Hanging with Friends and Angry Birds make Brick Breaker look like it was designed by a caveman. Yayyy for Apple coming in and devising new ways for us to tune out those around us!

The iPhone also provides a new way for betches to express themselves. White or black? White for the girly girl, black for the power betch. Likewise, your choice of iPhone case makes a huge statement. Because everyone's so fucking unique with their mass produced piece of plastic.

iBeerCan somebody say #5 diet?

The iPhone has also created a revolution in Mobile Uploads. You and your friends go out #20 clubbing decked out wearing upwards of $2000 on your person, but open your Camera+ app, slap on a cross-process effect and a Polaroid border and suddenly everyone’s a fucking hipster.

[Extra perk of Camera Plus: you can now crop the #48 dud out from the side of group pics without ever using iPhoto! She’s out of your pics even before she’s rejected by the bouncer.]

Finally, we have the invention of Instagram. For those of you who aren't familiar, it's about to be the next big thing, so you better get on the Instagram train and fast. It's an app but it's basically the love child of #6 muploading and #39 Twitter and it's the new way to show off all the betchy shit that you and your besties are up to. No betch passes up an opportunity to get more followers, especially not us. @betches.
So betches, go get yourself an iPhone. If you still don’t appreciate the wonder that is Apple, we pity you and hope you find someone who can autocorrect your dumb ass.




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50 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    I’m so obsessed with #34 BBM and would never(before reading this) dareeeee to eveen think about switching to the iphone.. But after reading this I am team apple.. Just told daddy to order me a black one #powerfulbetch.. After all who goes against what the bible says?

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  2. The Betches says:

    WOW. I understand loving this site, but seriously? Not being able to make your own decisions without the help of a web site, that is satirical no less, is totes NOT betchy.

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  3. The Betches says:

    Duh, just switched to the iphone in February and my mobile uploads on facebook have already been taken over by instagram photos.

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  4. The Betches says:

    this post is so fecking gay

    Posted on Reply
    • The Betches says:

      agreed.  especially because the “all hail BBM” article was literally posted 3 weeks before this one.  lame

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  5. The Betches says:

    Plus, the iPhone allows a betch to talk shit without BBMing…AKA group messaging.

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    yeah i dont believe any of this. any go hard betch knows that dropping an iphone is near insta-death and drunk betches love dropping shit. Blackberries are superior because of their durability, and any phone at the hands of a real betch knows its in for a wild ride.
    BBM isn’t that important, truth be told, its only for #Duds and desperate bitches at this point. But have you seen the autocorrect on iphones? It can get embarrassing and betches should never have to be embarrassed, especially if it isnt even their fault.

    Touch screens are gross and if you arent careful they will serious damage the tips of your perfect manicure. Sure apple computers can be a betches best friend, but iphones if you dont recall, are for major geeks that get off on the ‘cool’ things their phones can do because their friends can’t.

    But finally, true betch will never get an iphone because all those apps are for attention whores, and a true betch does ask for attention she just gets it.

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  7. The Betches says:

    Please get therapy; you sound like a fucking psycho. iPhones are FAR superior to outdated blackberries. This doesn’t even need to be debated.
    Someone’s not due for an upgrade and can’t afford the full price…

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  8. The Betches says:

    Actually, any go hard betch knows that with the right case, an iphone can live through the fucking Apocalipse. Furthermore, even if the phone does break, who the fuck cares? Daddy will pay for a new one before your next mupload needs to be taken.
    Saying that blackberries are superior because of their durability is stupid, because any true betch knows that durability isnt important. We think in the present;that planning for the future shit is work for our personal assistants to do later on.
    Last but not least, iphones are most definitely not for nerds. They are for powerful betches who (sort of) have their shit together and have many peoples lives in the palms of their hands.

    sorry shitmybetchsays but you’re not a betch, you’re a wannabe who should gtfo this site until they ponder about what they have said and get a fucking iphone.

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  9. The Betches says:

    It’s about time you betches caught on!

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  10. The Betches says:

    Amen betch! Just slap a hot case on that shit and you won’t have to worry about it breaking, even though they look so sweet sans case (made that mistake, whoops). And the HeyTell app is even better than drunk texting your besties because you can actually hear how shitty they are, and can help you find them and save them from some bro’s house pre-walk of shame.

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  11. The Betches says:

    Also to be mentioned is the fact that the iPhone allows you to flip the camera so that you can a. look at yourself while pretending to do work and b. easily take pics of you and your besties

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  12. The Betches says:

    I love my iphone betches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also I think your blog is awesome!!! Keep up the good work!!!

    Posted on Reply
  13. The Betches says:

    Funny post. I have been an Android person for the past year because my carrier, Verizon, did not have the iPhone when I updated from the blackberry. Now, of course, they do. So, just a matter of time until I switch the entire fleet (wife, kids, mother-in-law, to myself)

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  14. The Betches says:

    Totessss agree with this post, betch. I was an avid blackberry user, like blackberry-or-die, and then in January I switched over and I fing love it. The camera is just the best, and perfect for #muploading so everyone can see the fun betchy shit my friends and I are doing. I gotta say though, I miss the blackberry keyboard and #bbm, but overall, the iPhone wins.

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  15. The Betches says:

    I mean fucking duh Lilly Pullitzer and Kate Spade do not make adorbz covers for the Blackberry.

    Posted on Reply
  16. The Betches says:

    I know its off topic but I really need help from a real betch.

    Posted on Reply
  17. The Betches says:

    I have a HTC Droid Incredible and perfectly happy with it except the battery drains really quickly. Very comparable to an Iphone, IMHO

    side note: does anyone know anything about trazodone? I just got an Rx today and I’m not quite sure how I’ll react. Currently on the paxil, Kpin and Diet Coke diet. Getting married in one year to a PRO betches!

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  18. The Betches says:

    Trazadone didn’t help me sleep but in combination with those drugs it might. it made me feel sort of congested.

    Posted on Reply
  19. The Betches says:

    always thought iphones were superior….its fucking apple

    Posted on Reply
  20. The Betches says:

    Just love your site….it’s soo true, Apple’s the best.

    Posted on Reply
  21. The Betches says:

    beats the hell out of the droid. i made the switch. blackberry is just too slow for me

    Posted on Reply
  22. The Betches says:

    Betches don’t even bother with the droid… if you’re a betch I wouldn’t go out advertising you own one. and if you don’t have a smartphone (unless you just lost yours when you were a drunk ass and you have a go phone for a couple of days), i’m fucking sorry, but you’re not a betch.

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  23. The Betches says:

    Whatevs. I’m happy with it.

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  24. The Betches says:

    thank god. i swear if i had to get that new horrendous bold touch, i would actually consider not upgrading. of course i have verizon, no betch settles for less than the best. so now that they have the iphone and the blackberry is as over as uggs, i am definitely switching. btw, to that earlier post: 1. you sound like a fucking dad (which i’m pretty sure you are, so wtf are you on here for?!) 2. ANDROID?! ew.

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  25. The Betches says:

    Name all the things that the IPhone can do that the Droid can’t. Plus, in LA verizon has the best service and there’s no Verizon Iphone yet.

    Posted on Reply
  26. The Betches says:

    Are you a fucking idiot?! Uhm, first: VERIZON GOT THE IPHONE, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!? Second: it’s called instagram. Can’t get it on droid. And something droids will never get that iPhones have: the fucking cool factor. Enjoy the droid with the geek squad at Best Buy. I’ll enjoy my new iPhone (in black, derr) with my iced coffe. Vente.

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  27. The Betches says:

    So I obvs made the switch a few months ago but now I’m going abroad. Going back to the blackberry will be torture but everyone uses bbm abroad, what’s a betch to do? #HELP

    Posted on Reply
  28. The Betches says:

    Use whatsapp! Its just like bbm and compatible with all smartphones, just find it in the app store…

    Sent from my iPhone, betches

    Posted on Reply
  29. The Betches says:

    Thanks S… I took Trazodone for the first time Monday night and it knocked me the fuck out. I went to bed at midnight and the only way I woke up is because my BC alarm went off at 2pm. Fucking hell its powerful.

    The Kpins are helping me relax and curb my appetite but that in conjunction with Traz is deadly.

    Posted on Reply
  30. The Betches says:

    @WaspBetch Jeez, sorry I didn’t know. I’m the greatest techie in the world which is why the geek squard probs uses Iphones, idiot.

    Posted on Reply
  31. The Betches says:

    I meant I’m NOT the greatest techie. I have more important betchy things to do than to obsessively follow when verizon gets the Iphone

    Posted on Reply
  32. The Betches says:

    But wait.. The iphone, unlike the berry, has no international plan.. And don’t true betches travel the world? That’s what I effing thought.

    Posted on Reply
  33. The Betches says:

    iPhone… plan….honey, what are you smoking….cause I know it ain’t Marlboro Lights. At least once you have a BB plan you can travel the world and not have to worry about a crazy ass phone bill headed for that front door to meet Rosario. Trust me…I’ve done the iPhone thing/phase you get over it….cause betches know its getting wayyyy to common!
    Got to go, my red light is flashing….

    Posted on Reply
  34. The Betches says:

    All I have is a Tracfone minute phone. No apps, no contracts.

    Posted on Reply
  35. crackberry betch says:

    the only problem i have with the iphone is the touch screen and the auto correct thats why prefer my bb curve

    Posted on Reply
  36. Long island betch says:

    Just switched to the iPhone 4s totes loves it! All betches need an iphone

    Posted on Reply
  37. Anonymous says:

    who comments 400 times asking about pills on an iphone post? you’re so weird stop. i realize this was months ago, i hope your abundance of meds has made you normal since then.

    Posted on Reply
  38. carelessbetch says:

    some betches need to get serious! worried about the durability of their phone…?? honestly, do you still put plastic covers on your couch too ?? your just a hopeless betch, looking for excuses to stick with your BBM, because you desperately need to know whether or not that hott bro read ur BBM yet.. newsflash. yah, he did. he’s intentionally not writing back. maybe take the plastic off your couch, get a better phone, and worry about obviously more pressing issues… like the fact that your probably still a PC betch, and all ur friends are now re-evaluating your friendship…. good luck CTRL ALT DLT’ing ur way outta that one.

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  39. SassBetch says:

    When im not muploading i want to be checking up on the betchiest of sites, this one. But i dont want to click on fucking safari every time, so an Iphone app would be ideal…much less work, just saying.

    Posted on Reply
  40. Anonymous says:

    have you heard of the windows phone? it is so betch it makes iphones look like that old lady who has the face of your elbow.

    Posted on Reply
  41. slender betch says:

    wasn’t due for an upgrade but got sick of my POS cell, ordered an iPhone without signing a new contract and paid $800. not even mad.

    Posted on Reply
  42. slender betch says:

    juicy couture and kate spade iPhone cases along with another one, ordered from the Apple store for free because i have connections.. perf.. another reason why i went iPhone instead of Blackberry

    Posted on Reply
  43. slender betch says:

    hahah you’re not serious. gtfo thanks

    Posted on Reply
  44. Anonymous says:

    decided to get a droid until the iphone 5 comes out in june, they only came out with the 4s because the 5 wasn’t done. the new iphone 4s only has 3G and not 4G ... aka SLOW. i mean the droid was 100 dollars more expensive than the 4s but it’s fine.. i love it! not getting on the iphone bandwagon for a couple months til it’s worth it

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  45. asianbetch says:

    eventhough iphones are far superior, it can’t read my acrylics. that’s why true betches have a blackberry and an iphone and switch accordingly.

    Posted on Reply
  46. Smart says:

    I have got a PC, and it’s more effective than any Mac available, more powerful, more expensive, I can do things you will never do with your current Mac, envy?, I know smile By the way, a Mac is a PC as well, didn’t you know it? LOL, you are so stupid.

    Posted on Reply
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