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By The Betches on

You may not know the hashtag but you definitely know the girl. She's the one who's constantly pic-stitching a sunset with a vodka soda, photographing her sashimi like it's a fucking Annie Leibovitz shoot, and reminding her besties to "like, don't comment!" on her pics. She might even have a public profile in order to accept likes from randos. Public...gross!

It's a disease betches, it's called living for the like, and if we learned anything from Contagion, this pandemic has an R-not of at least 12. And its victims are the instawhores.

Every betch knows that nothing is worth doing unless it generates double-digit instagram likes. It's a form of respect, and unlike things like Chanel bags and college admission, it cannot be bought. If no one likes a post within 2 minutes, consider it as meaningless as a Kirstie Alley diet.

While check-ins are frowned upon on Facebook, geo-tagging is revered on Instagram, especially if it enhances an otherwise underwhelming photo. Look how chic this Skinny Girl marg looks on this boat next to my feet, with the American flag waving in the distance as the Nashville filter overlays this East Hampton scene. Side Note: Anything with an American flag is an automatic double digit like, but throw down an East Hampton locale and watch virality happen.

On the other hand, vacations and music festivals are the holy grail of social media likes, as more people talk about Coachella than they do about voting. While at a festival or concert be sure and get an “in the moment” pic of everyone’s arms in the air with lasers cutting through the crowd. Shots of lasers blurred with the smoke and further blurred with filters are standard.... captioned with Everything seems like a city of dreams..when you’re rolling face.

So how do you know when you or a bestie has become the instawhore? Aside from constantly checking your feed like you suffer from insta-tourettes, some tell-tale signs are making your profile public and then excessively hashtagging in a non-ironic way (and then deleting them so no one knows you did it) to get more likes from strangers. For example, #nails #nail #hand #hands #red #pretty #sparkle #sparkly #opi #essie #long #longnails #manicure #mani #likemypicturepleaseiamdesperate

Another sign is asking your besties to like your insta, which is slightly ridic but then again, with so many people betting their entire self-worth and esteem on instagram likes, it's like the new rules of feminism that you should be liking approximately 100% of your besties' instas, and about 30% of outer circle instas. However the real power betch is sparing with her likes so it becomes like an honor to have had her like your shit. It's a science, respect it. Apply some tilt and National Geographic will be in contact shortly to let you know you won photo of the year.

#197 Overreacting >>

18 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. a says:

    Thanks for calling this shit out. People need to realize that no one cares about their paragraphs of fucking hashtags

    Posted on Reply
  2. Your Name says:

    So like is being an instawhore a bad thing?

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      yeah, it’s fucking annoying. fucking stop with all the hashtags no one actually reads anyway.

      Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      yeah. fucking stop

      Posted on Reply
  3. Sharzad Kiadeh says:

    HILARIOUS! Wait I mean #Hilarious #TotesFunny #Obsessed #Betch

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      Omg shut the fuck up.

      Posted on Reply
  4. Your Name says:

    #sparkle made me think of Tierra

    Posted on Reply
  5. ty says:

    thank you for reminding me, without her I wouldn’t have needed to watch the bachelor for as long as I have

    Posted on Reply
  6. Perfect says:

    This nailed it, dying over the double digit quotes which are all unbelievably true. While I may be an insta baby prostitue, a few steps down from whore, nothing is more desperate than a pile of meaningless hashtags with the exception of “LB” and “R4R”...those poor Jenner girls.

    Posted on Reply
  7. uh says:

    “this pandemic has an R-not of at least 12.”

    You mean R-naught????????

    Posted on Reply
    • Noughty says:

      R-not lulz the best? I say indeed they are!

      Posted on Reply
  8. Captain America says:

    I think that people being instawhores in no way affects me, so I don’t waste my time complaining about it or what other people do with their lives. smile

    Posted on Reply
    • P. Faloola says:

      I completely agree! It’s all fun & games, so who gives a shit if people are instawhores? Only people who are jealous of the instawhores pictures on the beach in Antigua will bring up that bollocks! Sad jealous people….

      Posted on Reply
  9. n says:

    k

    Posted on Reply
  10. Marina says:

    I say hey! whatever makes you happy….  instagram your ‘shit’ if you like, I mean clear demarcation of contents if you like..whatever makes you happy.. freedom of expression people!

    Posted on Reply
  11. Meesh says:

    I personally don’t think going public is all that big of a deal because if you want to look at my page, go ahead and see how awesome my life is. I won’t follow you back and I’ll allow my fremenies to see how fabulous I’m doing.

    Posted on Reply
    • bambi says:

      ^^^^^says an instawhore herself

      Posted on Reply
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