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By The Betches on

"The invention of Instagram. For those of you who aren't familiar, it's about to be the next big thing, so you better get on the Instagram train and fast." - we said this, #68 The iPhone Switch, July 25th, 2011


As many of you may not remember, we got Instagram way before anyone else. Don't get us wrong, it was a total fluke, simply because we thought it was a speedy drug delivery app. Instant grams...could you blame us? Imagine our confusion when the app didn't even ask for our zip code, instead prompted us to take a picture!

What's this we see, a chic and pretentious new way to mupload? That'll do iPhone, that'll do.

Some of you may be losing sleep over the fact that you #141 hate hipsters yet you love Instagram. We're here to put your mind at ease, a virtual Xanax if you will. Instagram is a great middleground where hipsters and betches can unite in their appreciation of like, postmodern photography. We both like to 1) pretend to be artsy and 2) use expensive cell phones.


instagram pictureIsn't this the chicest laundry you've ever seen?


In addition to iced coffee and bitching at people, everyone knows that betches love exclusivity. What's more elitist than an app that's only available on the only phone that matters. A phone that bans Insta is a phone that bans life.

So what makes Instagram different? The appeal is all in the effects. They assist us in understanding what life would be like in The Wackness or the We Found Love video, but with less violence and black people.

Think of Instagram like putting sunglasses on your muploads. It makes them automatically cooler and provides protection against the haters. For example, you just got a new pair of Loubs. Tweeting about it is social suicide and an ordinary mupload defines you as the TTH. But with Insta, even though you might work at JP Morgan, who's to say you're not building a portfolio for your upcoming Vogue interview? Wow you slapped on that sepia in such a thoughtful way, it really illuminates the garbage truck in the background!

You see, with Instagram, everyone's an artiste, but not one who bothers with complexities like aperture or shutterspeed. Instead you'll say things like: Commendable efforts on the Amaro betch, but when MY picture has a bluish hues, Walden is best for accentuating contrast. Sure you have no clue what you just said but on the bright side, the drop effect is perfect for obscuring the Dud.


instagram pictureYum! #dinner
(our first insta pic)


Suddenly, your besties who you thought never ate, are all foodies. Why? Because if you mupload food onto Facebook, people will assume you're going to eat it, whereas on Insta, you're simply showcasing your appreciation for plating technique. How did you get your tuna tartare to look so lively? Ugh I should've used Nashville.

Now that we think about it, this app is really an emo person's dream. Before Instagram they had to shed their upper class tears to the sad tunes of Taking Back Sunday, but now they just snap a pic and the whole world will be aware of their existential crises. Don't you think Valencia is a little too hopeful? Perhaps next time use Inkwell for a more 'I'm going to kill myself' feel.

So betches, next time you encounter a really beautiful tulip or an especially long blade of grass, carpe diem. Fuck Kodak, it's called an Insta moment.

Follow us on Insta @betches.


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40 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. THEbetch says:

    Instagram is lame and hipster. Come on, betches…

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    agreed. screw that middle ground BS

    Posted on Reply
  3. trendybetch says:

    Hipstamatic takes talent, isn’t used by every loser with a phone and actually costs money to download and buy film… way betchier.

    Posted on Reply
    • uh says:

      you’re right about the whole “costing money” thing but to use it you have to… call yourself a hipster yeah right

      Posted on Reply
  4. B says:

    But betches like the pretties.

    Why settle for ugly things when filters can make the harsh reality of the world hot.

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    available exclusively on the only phone that matters!

    aaaaaaaaaaand all the other smartphones too.

    try again betches.  looks like the poors win this round

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    the guy who invented it sold it for a billion dollars. let us know when one of your ideas is as profitable

    Posted on Reply
  7. Betch Fanatic says:

    Although touched on some true points, the post was lacking classic Betch humor. Writers need to step their game up!

    Posted on Reply
  8. Anonymous says:

    Instagram is also available on other smart phones… I know this because I forced my non iphone friends to get it. And they did.

    Posted on Reply
  9. Anonymous says:

    what’s wrong with black people?

    Posted on Reply
  10. anon says:

    who are you? the only ‘round’ poor people have ever won is in bingo at their half-way house….

    anyways, “insta is like putting sunglasses on your muploads”. fucking perf

    Posted on Reply
  11. Taryn says:

    This post is probably my new favorite on this blog. Thank you for being the quintessential betches,—oh and then blogging about it.

    Posted on Reply
  12. gottalovethisbs says:

    Look everyone! I took a picture of everything I did! Look how I’m living!

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    um, lots of ideas that aren’t “betchy” are also profitable. for example and i’m sure you frequent that website. you can go shave your back now.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:


    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    Stop talking shit about this site because you are just a bunch of poor people. (Ew).

    A Betch

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    agreeeeed. this post had so much potential, def not usual betch humor

    Posted on Reply
  17. betch says:

    lol as if you have non iphone friends

    Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    You’re only allowed to say shit like this if you drive a Bentley dumb fuck! get the fuck off! I’m pretty sure poor people hate you even more!

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    first of all bItch you ARE fucking poor. your parents have money. so until you’re making millions yourself shut the fuck up.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Anonymous says:

    dude. “They assist us in understanding what life would be like in The Wackness or the We Found Love video, but with less violence and black people”

    not cool.  betches are racist, too? 21st century, sweetie. where do you live? redneck, mississippi? get your acts together.

    never do shit like this again. i’m a betch. i’m black. my family probably owns your family. so reassess

    Posted on Reply
  21. Anonymous says:

    whats wrong with poor people?

    Posted on Reply
  22. lydia says:

    love me some insta smile and you now have a new follower @betches.

    Posted on Reply
  23. Yummy says:

    Ok, hipsters are probably the coolest people you will ever meet. Yes I understand that instagram is the “middle ground” between “betches” (cough cough girls that have the need to be liked by everyone so they act as stuck up as humanly possible) and hipsters. But come on…there is nothing wrong with hipsters. They all have a free spirit and awesome style. Period. So you can all shut your jealous mouth’s up and chill. Nobody likes a jealous bitch…

    Posted on Reply
  24. Yummy says:

    Paleeez…your just straight up mad at the fact that hipsters use instagram more than “betches”. If “betches” used instagram more often then I’m pretty sure you would be like “oh em gee, instagram is hot shit, I love it like its totes hot.”

    Posted on Reply
  25. Anonymous says:

    Um that’s not how it works

    Posted on Reply
  26. Slutbag says:


    Posted on Reply
  27. Anonymous says:

    how much does a hipster weigh???

    -an instagram

    Posted on Reply
  28. Queen Betch says:

    Is the imaginative life not the most distinctive characteristic of human be’inz?

    Posted on Reply
  29. Blonde Betch says:

    Wait is this comment actually serious? Please PLEASE tell me it’s not.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Blonde Betch says:

    I’ll give you the “costing money” thing, but Hipstamatic actually involves doing work. Why would a betch prefer that?

    Posted on Reply
  31. Sof says:

    Haha love the subtle Summer Heights High reference, classy wink

    Posted on Reply
  32. Yummy says:

    I do not understand why I should hate them when they are nice people and they actually care about this Earth. Do you have a problem with that? Ohhhhh myyyy goddd I’m like sooo sorry for having an individual opinion…like I must have committed a crime

    Posted on Reply
  33. RKOI says:

    Betches love Rich Kids of Instagram.

    Posted on Reply
  34. maddie says:

    baha - you call 2011 to be EARLY on the instagram band wagon? uhhh…try 2 years too late.

    whoever wrote this is neither a betch nor a hipster…just a cool wannabe.

    Posted on Reply
  35. Alexsmith says:

    Come on, Instagram is not that bad, it’s such a success especially because people love it. We all social media and all it comes with it, just as you can use mylife to manage your social media accounts, Instagram is being used to manage the pictures you like. I see nothing wrong with it.

    Posted on Reply
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