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By The Betches on

Hey betches. Do you have a shitty personality and a fugly face? Do you have a horrible wardrobe and conversational skills on par with a brick wall? Do you have a mother with no dreams of her own who would like to live vicariously through your success in college? Despite all of these things do you still want to rush a sorority and gain social advancement through your association with people cooler than you? If the answer to all of these questions is yes then we have great news for you!

The New York Times has highlighted a new phenomenon where mothers can hire 'rush coaches' for their daughters (like at this website) at about $150 an hour to teach their daughters how to be a normal functioning human who can carry on the world's greatest fake conversation. The best news is, it's all in the name of rush and giving off the impression for 40 minutes that you're way more normal and awesome than in reality! Our favorite lines from the article include:

"One coach who offers a Friday-to-Sunday intensive, for $8,000. One day is devoted to carrying yourself properly and the art of conversation...Avoid politics and religion. “I teach them how to make interesting small talk: what you saw at the cinema, a trip to Europe. I don’t know too many 20-year-olds who are having a debate about economics.” Another day is for getting physically ready — hair, makeup and wardrobe. Ms. von Sperling organizes “outfits down to accessories, completely strategized.” Just in case a client forgets, outfits are photographed and placed in a style file."

For only $8,000 your daughter can learn to talk about her trip to the South of France and that time she saw The Dictator in the most coherent way possible. If she's especially retarded, we'll even take pictures of her in the outfits we picked out just in case she can't remember how to do complicated things like put on a cardigan.

"Sundresses by Lilly Pulitzer, the designer of happily hued clothing, are particulary popular for August rush. Two years ago, the company introduced the “Sorority Line” — totes, scarves, makeup bags and the like — using chapters’ colors and symbols." 

If your daughter is lacking in things like creativity, originality, and insight, there's hope for her yet! She can just buy the entire Lilly Pulitzer sorority collection and she gets to look exactly like everyone else and could possibly be mistaken for a WASB with money!

"One rushee states, “It’s going to be stressful — not only making a decision for the next four years but for friends you will have for the rest of your life.” Because the experience can be so emotional, consultants provide “on-call services.”

If your daughter has a shitty personality and is also prone to emotional breakdowns, she will probably not have any friends throughout college if you fuck this up. Thankfully for only $50 an hour, rush counselors can be on call during your daughters mental breakdowns and suicide attempts so you don't have to! Outsourcing rules!

“I lost six pounds that week,” recalls Julie Baselice, whose daughter Christina is now a Chi Omega at the University of Texas. “It was the most stressful experience of my life.” As for Christina, she is grateful for the counsel of Marjorie Burciaga, an Austin, Tex., consultant, on how to handle herself during recruitment events. “It’s so easy to go in there and start talking, talking, talking,” she says. “You need to learn how to have a filter.”

If you're a mom with absolutely no life who's a particular brand of psychotic and actually lets things like a college sorority affect her weight fluctuations, we won't be able to help you be a real contributing member of society but rest at ease, we'll postpone your daughter's bulimia until after pledging is over! In all seriousness any mother who names rush as "the most stressful experience of her life" deserves to be burned alive and forced to watch the movie Couples Retreat.

"One obvious reason for rejection is inadequate grades. At the national level, sororities set a grade-point average, and individual sororities often raise the bar. Beyond that, candidates can rarely discern why a sorority rejects them."

We know exactly why the sorority rejects them and so do you, candidates. It's because you're ugly. Case closed.

"Madeline D’Arcambal Braun, a Manhattan native entering her junior year at Indiana University Bloomington, says she had “absolutely no idea” why she wasn’t asked back. She dropped out of rush freshman year after the houses she wanted didn’t invite her back. “It’s exactly like a breakup. That’s how this feels.”

It's exactly like a breakup except if a guy broke up with you because you had shitty grades or couldn't intrigue him with your conversation about how interesting your child psych major is and thought your Lilly Pulitzer dress was just too flowery.

 

36 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Embarrassing says:

    The original article mentions that the girl was rushing at UVa, she’s now in Tridelt there.

    Posted on Reply
  2. goddamn independent betch says:

    WOW LOL SO FUCKING SAD. real betches don’t get on all fours, desperate for a little attention let alone shell out nearly 20G a year to have fake friends and ugly tshirts with neon letters that don’t spell anything real. they laugh at all the fuckers scrambling around for a little fucking recognition and pay 50G a year on tuition. do you have a shitty personality and fugly face? are you a serial homie hopper? do you like to pretend you’re ‘down for whatever’ when you’re actually too insecure to think on your own? do your parents have a lot of money? join.. i mean.. rush STD at the University of Miami! we’re just as desperate for you(r money) as you are for friends!

    Posted on Reply
    • chill says:

      WOAH why are you randomly attacking sdt at umiami?? someone holding a grudge?

      Posted on Reply
      • delusional says:

        I always find it funny when people like you believe that an independent who calls out a sorority or greek life in general is holding a grudge. Maybe she realizes that greek life is pointless and gets you no where in life. No one needs to pay for friends, let alone a “rush coach” to help them through such a fake process.

        Posted on Reply
        • Ummm says:

          More likely someone didn’t get a bid…

          Posted on Reply
          • GDI. says:

            there’s always spring rush 2013.

            Posted on Reply
        • facts says:

          Just to clarify, sorority sisters are not the only girls “paying for friends”.

          In fact, if you attend any college, you are paying for friends. It’s called tuition. Without tuition you wouldn’t be at college, and you wouldn’t have made your friends if you hadn’t paid for them.

          Cheers wink

          Posted on Reply
      • hey dumbass says:

        she said STD, which is hilarious because your actual sorority’s letters are just eerily similar to a sexually transmitted disease. go figure.

        Posted on Reply
    • Umiami Betch says:

      it’s funny this bitch is so specific about the U. did someone get their feelings hurt during rush?? and FYI- Umiami is the one school where it really doesn’t matter if you go greek.. it’s not like they check your letters at LIV. although greek or not i’m guessing you can’t get into any of the real clubs anyway. have fun waiting in line whore!

      Posted on Reply
      • UM Goddamn Independent Betch says:

        oh is it?  more like i touched down in mia, assumed the soro-sluts would be hot like the ones from USC and UCLA (and the movies), gave it an open mind and couldn’t even. the extent of fugly was just too much to bear.  i mean, the hoops these insecure girls jump through to play by someone else’s rules are flabbergasting.  no grudges, i’m just not into graphic tees with neon writing.  besides, every real miami betch knows that there is more than one entrance to liv and that waiting for anything is simply out of the question.

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      • CJBee says:

        I’m pretty sure that UMiami is NOT the ONE school where it doesn’t matter…it’s pretty much ALL schools. Sorry you had to pay for friends, that’s really sad.

        Posted on Reply
    • get over itt says:

      GDI’s hold a grudge because no amount of fake coaching, fake mac makeup, or fake noses could make them look pretty enough to get a bid. Sorry we’re #notsorry that no amount of coaching on this earth can make get you over your insecurities enough to go out there and face rush just based on who you are. I wasn’t a legacy AND my parents moved here from Mexico but I got a bid from a top chapter at my school because I knew how to present myself and impress the beautiful, influential women at rush. Sorority girls pay for t-shirts, retreats, and social events, not friends and being pretty. Now STFU about greek life and go take your selfie profile pic because god knows there’s nothing else going on during your weekends.

      Posted on Reply
    • a says:

      omg! you’re so presh! i remember when i knew people who went to skanky state schools and were on sites like ‘juicy campus’...enjoy.  if you’re nasty enough to not understand the value of greek life, then frankly, even if you were pretty enough to get in somewhere, they wouldn’t have accepted you.  good luck realizing life IS a popularity contest and you’re losing.  xoxo!!!!

      Posted on Reply
  3. R says:

    that video makes me cringe.

    Posted on Reply
  4. wow says:

    OMG THE GW AEPHI VIDEO, funniest thing i’ve ever watched. Saddest part is that these japs think that it’s amazing.

    Posted on Reply
    • duh says:

      **JABs…nice try

      Posted on Reply
  5. Umm says:

    Is the AEPhi video a joke from the betches?

    Posted on Reply
  6. k says:

    Something tells me they don’t run this rush game.
    - Shell Kell, Katie Whit, Hannah Lee

    Posted on Reply
    • B says:

      Hahahaha perfect

      Posted on Reply
    • LOL says:

      so truee
      obsessed with the kappa rap

      Posted on Reply
    • K says:

      GKODB

      Posted on Reply
  7. its not that hard says:

    okay listen up betches,
    if you have to hire a “rush coach,” you’re clearly not meant to be in a sorority. you have to be pretty and smart. it’s not that hard.

    Posted on Reply
  8. GW says:

    haha betches love this either wanted to go to GW or knows a lot of people who attend

    Posted on Reply
  9. gw betchhhhh says:

    betches… it’s spelled Lilly

    Posted on Reply
  10. JAB says:

    most of you “betches” are too fugly to rush and clearly got your feelings hurt like some fucking nice girls or some shit.

    Posted on Reply
  11. wgp says:

    “I don’t do sororities. I can’t write in bubble letters and jungle juice is too caloric. Plus, I’m too into black dudes.”

    Babe Walker

    Posted on Reply
  12. srattin' hard says:

    Obviously you aren’t a true betch if a. need a rush coach. (pathetic) and b. you can’t spell Lilly right. Not sorry ‘bout it.

    Posted on Reply
  13. r says:

    lilly pulitzer is not betchy at all. ya’ll have totally gone downhill. low class.

    Posted on Reply
    • Clever says:

      Hahahhaha I see what you did there

      Posted on Reply
  14. Aephi Wanna-be! says:

    Those GW betches are sOo HOT! Greatest cinematography I have ever seen!! They are so beautiful I wish I was IN AEPHI AT GW!!!!!! I MIGHT TRANSFER JUST SO I CAN JOIN AND BE IN THE NEXT VIDEO.

    Posted on Reply
  15. wtf says:

    that vid is sad.. you can tell that’s the Dud sorority

    Posted on Reply
  16. good lord says:

    hahahahaaaaaahahah that video is just embarrassing

    Posted on Reply
  17. Ava says:

    I literally got ready for every single rush event in 10 minutes, wasn’t at all nervous and had a great time. Rush is so much fun if you just act like yourself. I got a bid from the top house, but I turned it down because I had too much other, more important stuff to do.

    Posted on Reply
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