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By The Betches on

Sometimes when a high quality but kind of unbetchy show starts on a premium channel we'll get really into it but won't be sure why. In Homeland's case it could be due to the fact that 24 made counterterrorism chic, or perhaps our inability to look away when Carrie puts on her crazy eyes and a burka... but we have a sneaking suspicion it's just a sheer appreciation for our boy Mandy Patinkin. We definitely don't love the show for Brody the scary ginger terrorist or the presence of like any hot or funny characters other than Mike (maybe), but for some strange reason betches everywhere are more fucking obsessed with Homeland than Carrie is with Brody, Abu Nazir, Estes, or Saul (just wait, season 3, it's coming).

Sexy

Honestly we haven't loved a show so much with such an unbetchy backdrop since the premiere of Girls. Like literally nothing about this show is betchy. When they're not inside a mosque or scary terrorist holding cell they're either at the CIA (lots of #36 work going on there) or like, chilling in the forest. Notice they love the forest on this show. When was the last time you met up with your besties in a heavily wooded area with no seating? Camp was so 2003.

I mean, due to Homeland, many weird things have been happening to us and we feel confused. For instance, at a pregame this weekend our non-persian bestie just randomly shouted out "allah huak-bah" and instead of being like, "what the fuck did you just say," we all laughed and spoke at length about how we regret not dressing up as slutty terrorists for Halloween. Oh and the other horrible thing that happened this week: we didn't have one bad thing to say about Anne Hathaway as Carrie Matheson on SNL. We even laughed. That bitch.

But let's talk about each character and the shit that wasn't said on any waning sketch comedy shows or online: 

Carrie - Can you imagine someone more entertaining than a real life BSCB who also happens to be the ultimate delusional dater of the century? She's a huge fan of self medication, ugly crying, using CIA interrogations as an excuse to tell Brody about her feelings, and making her eyes really wide. She brings a whole new meaning to the age-old fucktarded question Am I a Carrie? But at least Claire Danes's face doesn't resemble the bunions on a ballerina's foot. 

We're excited for her to get over Brody and move on to the new hot / shot CIA bro because truthfully, if I am forced to watch naked Brody thrusting at Crazy Carrie ever again I may have to start watching Homeland with a puke bag. Here is our favorite Carrie face:

or maybe this: 

Brody - Major props to the producers of this show for channeling American antagonism towards terrorists and gingers into one gnarly bro. As we said before, we're positive that any time he kisses anyone betches all over the world collectively cringe. And as SNL also pointed out this Saturday, Nicholas Brody gets the award for world's smallest mouth. Seriously, you need Lydia Davis' magnifying glass to be able to see his mouth physically moving while he speaks. Also, British actors need to realize that grunting at a really low octave is not the best way to pull off an American accent. Think about it... Chuck Bass.

Jessica Brody - Stop calling your husband 'Brody' to his face because in that case, you should be calling yourself Brody. And stop being so mean to Dana for no reason, it's not her fault she doesn't know how to speak without looking like her cat just died. Also, your neck is too long to be trusted.

Saul - The Mazel of the Day goes to Saul aka Mandy P (yeah you know me). Why do we love this bearded bro? No fucking clue.

Estes - More like #69 besties. Finding out that both him and Brody have British accents in real life made them so much hotter. It's casual he used to hook up with Carrie, but it's also casual that he doesn't really do any work. Be honest, upon hearing about the real life CIA scandal, how many of you thought it was about David Estes for a split second?

Dana - What a little Maude Apatow. Seriously, why is this girl so eager to get arrested, like sprinting into the police station to turn herself in for a hit and run? Better take a lesson from your #55 dad and learn how to kill people then lie about it effortlessly. Now we're not going to lie and say we're shadily pissed off she and Finn Walden hit someone with a car because we don't want Finn in trouble because he is soooo cute...no pedo.

Brody's son - Who?

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17 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. socalbetch says:

    Carrie’s electro schock screenshot is by far the best scene in Homeland thus far… ( I swear i’m not a sociopath)
    - I am team Brody & Carrie, can Brody’s bitch wife just step out of the picture and know her place.. and let Carrie take back what is hers..?
    -Poor Mike he is once again the back burner bro, just like he was in NBC’s Mercy
    -I love Dana’s & Finn little love affair, I was waiting for Finn to get physical and violent with Dana’s obnoxiously whinny bute cute voice.. i’m sad they’re over…
    Dana’s brother who..? like what is his point in the show..

    anyways in LURVEEE with the showww since last year obvs

    Posted on Reply
  2. huh says:

    ugh love the writing style but such an average topic

    Posted on Reply
  3. Copycats says:

    Totally thought of this cuz of the snl opening…

    Posted on Reply
  4. Texas says:

    The reason we love Mike is because he is the same actor who plays Aaron Samuels in Mean Girls, duh.

    Posted on Reply
    • Definitely Gay Bro says:

      Mike is actually the same actor who played Shane Omen in Mean Girls.  Get your shit straight, betch.

      Posted on Reply
  5. Cam says:

    Dana is literally the worst part of the show; I wish Finn would have run her over by accident. Totes agree with the above comment about Team Carrie-Brody, and I basically live for Carrie’s faces. Guilty pleasure all the way.

    Posted on Reply
  6. amaze says:

    I def thought I was the only betch watching this admittedly unbetchy show. Great job betches, loves it!

    Also, SNL? People still watch that?

    Posted on Reply
  7. recap!! says:

    PLEASE START RECAPPING THIS SHOW

    Posted on Reply
  8. katie says:

    dana’s eyebrows

    Posted on Reply
  9. betch says:

    its allah hu akbar. jewish betches always wrong!

    Posted on Reply
  10. betch says:

    its allah hu akbar. jewish betches are always incorrect.

    Posted on Reply
    • betch_of_all_betchez says:

      why would a jewish betch know shit for shit about some terror betch saying betch?

      Posted on Reply
  11. LS says:

    did anyone notice that mike is totally shane oman from mean girls? in the projection room above the auditorium???

    Posted on Reply
  12. Your Name says:

    Love BRODY!  He is bad ass wonderful Dick Winters from Band of Brothers and wrote to POTUS on his boxed set of season one “To one Muslim from another” - he’s awesome and puts up with both crazy Carrie and annoying “Tell me what’s gonig on” Jessica who never gets it even when it’s happening.

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  13. Allie says:

    we all know that the reason why carrie has such insane dating and behavior issues is because jordan catalano seriously fucked with her back in the day….

    Posted on Reply
  14. JAB says:

    Spot on.  Well done, betches.  Also, if you want to know why we love Many P so, check out the show Dead Like Me.  He uses terms of endearment like “peanut” and lots of tough love.  The greatest

    Posted on Reply
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