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By The Betches on

Okay, so we admit we haven't actually watched Gossip Girl since Season 3 because it jumped the shark sometime around Serena's fifteenth shady love affair with someone twice her age, also married, but we can't deny that Gossip Girl as a franchise is extremely betchy.


gossipgirlThe show was great for our #5 diets. Puke break!


So about the show... We don't really like what they did there by essentially taking away all the edge from the masterpieces that were the Gossip Girl books novels. If we wanted to watch poorly scripted plot lines about rich kids and their day-to-day troubles, we'd tune into The Hills. Chuck's mom isn't really dead? She's coming back to life? What the fuck? No. Just no.

Also, Serena used to be a big cokehead at like, what? 14? If Serena were still like the real Serena, we'd be into it, but she's not. She tries to be all nice and shit and date a poor guy, but she's just really fucking bad at it.

And Serena would never EVER want to go to Brown. What's next? Jenny goes to MIT?

Not only do we love Leighton Meester, but we also love how they manage to bring back Blair's bulimia whenever they're running low on story arcs. Quick, Blair's throwing up! Somebody call the New York Times!


gossipgirlThere's only one thing right with this picture. The iced coffee.


Taylor Momsen dresses like a freak. The real Jenny Humphrey is supposed to have red hair and freckles and not be fucking flat chested. Seriously they butchered this poor girl.

Our last quip is that it's weird that no one on the show got a Blackberry until like, three years after everyone else did. Yet another unrealistic sell out move. It would be like betches promoting Kate Spade messenger bags.

But our favorite part of Gossip Girl is that no one ever acknowledges the fact that they're all being stalked. Seriously, text message updates? Spotted S and B hanging out on the Empire Rooftop... Leave the creepy pseudo lesbian texting to Pretty Little Liars.

Oh, and if we did watch past season 3, it was purely for the entertainment of reading the Daily Intel recap the next morning. That shit was L O fucking L.

As for the books, they were great. So fucking betchy. They were a thousand times more accurate in every way, from their use of brand promotion to the way they describe sex scenes and relationships.

Still, we're into the secret identity thing, and that's why we'll never reveal our own.

We'll leave you with a hint though. We run shit, we have millions of followers, and we have a whole entourage of bros who bow down to us. And we’re not the fucking Pope.

xoxo, B's.



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26 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    I was excited when I saw the title, but unfortunately, it looks like this betch went to public school followed by Penn State or some other b-side college. This post is the most disorganized, ineloquent piece of writing I’ve seen all month… An obvious statement (Gossip Girl is betchy) followed by an assortment of various disconnected, irrelevant commentary on the characters, one too many “Also”s, and a complete misuse of the word “quip.” Don’t flatter yourself betch…if you’re going to call yourself witty, you should probably know how to express ideas coherently first….

    True about the cell phone though –betches don’t carry the Verizon Chocolate.

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    So true about J. she totally is misrepresented in the show. she was a betch in the book but just a freak on the show.

    keep betchin

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  3. The Betches says:

    I agree with everything said in this. EVERYTHING

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  4. The Betches says:

    Been waiting for this post betches! Loveee GG

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  5. The Betches says:

    I love you betches, but Jenny was a brunette, not a redhead. And Taylor Momsen’s flat chestedness was the second most frustrating part of the show aside from Vanessa not being bald.

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  6. The Betches says:

    ahhh loved the books but ew the show sucks. the novels were way jucier and and in real life id imagined serena as hotter and more fun (there something so lesbo about blake lively to me) blair was a crazier bitch and wasnt chuck bass gay and possiby even gossip girl?

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  7. The Betches says:

    Oh betches, I feel like you could have done this so much better. If you’re going to talk about the positives of the show, you could have at least mentioned Georgina. She was a psycho betch, but way more of a betch than tv-Jenny could ever hope to be.

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  8. The Betches says:

    Season 1 Serena & Blair was betchiness at its best. Its gone way downhill since then.

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  9. The Betches says:

    I like Gossip Girl, and I like Taylor Momsen’s band Pretty Reckless.

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  10. The Betches says:

    “Aside from the fact that it’s a book and betches don’t read,..”- Post 71 and 3/4 Harry Potter.

    “As for the books, they were great. So fucking betchy. They were a thousand times more accurate in every way, from their use of brand promotion to the way they describe sex scenes and relationships.”- Post 73 Gossip Girl.

    Seems a bit inconsistent..

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  11. The Betches says:

    so i guess you’re the dud? obv betches read betchy things— why else would i be here? as for the harry potter post it’s called a hyperbole, fucking duh.

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  12. The Betches says:

    Nice post and blog. cute kiss shot there

    Posted on Reply
  13. The Betches says:

    Not sure how you could hate on Pretty Little Liars. the entire show us about the death of Ali, an ultimate betch.

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  14. The Betches says:

    I’ll soon return to the US after 12 years away, so by telling me what I should and shouldn’t be watching, you betches are providing a much-needed public service here.

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  15. The Betches says:

    THANK YOU SO MUCH. The books were the fucking shit in middle school and provided all betches in training a glimpse or their futures. the show just does not do it justice. Pretty little liars is the exact same, the betchiest of books but a pathetic attempt with the show.

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  16. The Betches says:

    Jenny is suppose to have brown curly hair and big boobs so but get your facts straight before you post…

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  17. The Betches says:

    I completely agree. The books were displays of true betchiness, but I can’t bring myself to watch the shows. It’s a disgrace to the book series to even be labeled the same, since literally nothing is true or the same. Kudos.

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  18. parttimebetch says:

    Downside to Gossip Girl - it’s on fucking CW which is embarrassing. Upside - Vanessa isn’t a fat bald bitch as in the best-sellers. Also, why the FUCK do they keep dismissing Jenny and then bringing her back. SEND HER TO FUCKING BOARDING SCHOOL SO SHE CAN BE THE IT GIRL GOD DAMN IT. And I stopped watching after season 3 as well because Chuck and Blair need to get the fuck over themselves.

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  19. Ara says:

    Exactly. Besides, if I really wanted to watch “realistic” socialites being betches I’d turn off the t.v. and go out with my frenemies.

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  20. Anonymous says:

    Season 1 was sooo good. So good. By season 3 everyone on the show had fucked everyone else at least once, but usually on multiple occasions and Blair went from being the shit to being an obnoxious brat whose schemes always blow up in her face. Tragic.

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  21. Ali says:

    I agree this betch doesnt know wtf shes talking about gissip girl is this tits and although people may think they are smarter than everyone else by saying they read the books… A fourth grader could read them so get off your high horse about being able to read them. The show was the tits. The comment about the phone however, hularious. Dying about verizon chocolate!! FYI its the 5th season and I’m pretty sure Blair is still rocking a curve.

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  22. fucking duh says:

    the books were way better. i agree

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  23. P says:

    You must be fat and/or ugly (prob and). Stfu

    Posted on Reply
  24. lilly says:

    would you all consider recapping the last season of gossip girl on here?

    Posted on Reply
  25. Blondy says:

    I just reread this b/c I fucking needed to remind myself how ridiculously good this site used to be (still can be).  Also, Jenny was a brunette not a redhead.  The books were the shit… I mean novels.

    Posted on Reply
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