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By The Betches on

Last night Girls took a break from every single main character breaking down in tears to go to the only place worse than Staten Island: rural upstate New York. 

We open with Jessa and Hannah waiting at a train station for Jessa's absentee dad to pick them up, while Jessa muses about potentially being molested by a substitute teacher. NBD, it was probably Lindsay from the Bachelor.

With all the old people and disgusting random sex with junkies, I'm surprised it took Hannah this long to develop a UTI. "The best way to get rid of it is to stick garlic in your pussy," adds Jessa, not so much in an effort-to-help-Hannah-out but more so to hear herself talk. And ugh, girls saying pussy to refer to a vagina. NO.

What this whole episode really did was remind me that none of these girls would actually be friends in real life. They're too fucking different and you can sense during this entire trip that Jessa just like completely hates Hannah. Every line she says to her is an insult and everything she says is condescending. It'd be like every interaction you had with the #48 dud if the two of you took a road trip together. Finally, I cannot believe that Hannah didn't go ape shit after reading that cheesy fucking note. If my friend left me a handwritten note that said "see you around love X" and then ditched me at her dad's house in bumblefuck I'd be plotting exactly where and how I was going to burn all her clothes before just casually leaving and calling to thank mom and pop for a wonderful upbringing. 

Hannah: Your dad is really late
Jessa: It's really lame that that bothers you.

On the porno mag:
Jessa: Helping a boy discover his sexuality is like the most noble thing you can do.
Hannah: What about being a doctor?
Jessa: Who says she's not a doctor?

Upon hearing about her sex with Frank:
Jessa: Are you serious? That is disgusting. He is a child.

Now on to Jessa's dad, the source all her daddy issues, who looks like Charles Manson and apparently drives the same car. He also is insanely predictable just spewing out the same exact shit you'd expect a father of Jessa's to say including but not limited to: 

"It's not a theory. Camry drivers are cunts." If by cunts you mean poor then yes, they are cunts.

"You know, we're not like other people." Translation: I'm not a regular dad, I'm a cool dad. I don't pick my kids up from train stations and I eat bunny for every meal of the day. Talk about a TTH hippie.

Hannah, true to form, won't stop bitching about how hungry she is and tries to fuck anything with a pulse. Her flavor of the week: Frank the 19 year old camel toed virgin who is the only person I can truly believe would be that amped to fuck her. We also get these gems which are dece but not on par with the usual dialogue:

Hannah: Nice to meet you I'm Hannah. I really like the way you fold down your turtleneck.

Frank: I had sex with a girl who lives near me. Her name was Rihanna.

While less excruciating than the episode where Hannah has a three day affair with a separated doctor, I can't say I didn't wish Tyler didn't drive that car off a fucking cliff in an effort to make this episode moderately less painful than the 2 hour and 45 minute mark of the Oscars.

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21 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Marcia says:

    Girls is getting worse every week.

    Posted on Reply
    • juststopgirls says:

      agreed 100%, it’s just starting to get weirder and weirder

      Posted on Reply
  2. snooze says:

    This show just sucks. I stopped watching after the coke episode. I read your recaps but even that isn’t worthwhile. Can we just forget it ever happened?

    Posted on Reply
  3. Tdizz says:

    After carefully draping Jessa in cloaks and scarves, they did a shitty job of hiding her prego gut while she was testing the limits of that rusty swing set.

    Posted on Reply
  4. datbetch says:

    this was like a really sad episode

    Posted on Reply
  5. ugh says:

    how did this show win best comedy?  it’s terrible

    Posted on Reply
  6. yikes says:

    can’t believe you failed to mention that Frank is a young Ben Flajnik

    Posted on Reply
  7. Girlsbetch says:

    are you all so bored that you don’t like the show and decide to read the recap anyway/let everyone know in this comments section?  newsflash- no one cares.  “whine whine betches stop recapping this”  no. you stop fucking reading it.  the show has so much intelligent humor and dares to push limits, and if you can’t appreciate that, you should probably go back to watching something a little more shallow.

    Posted on Reply
    • this show is shallow says:

      this show is lena dunham saying HEY LOOK AT ME.  and it’s garbage.  lena’s ego is almost as big as her ass

      Posted on Reply
      • no says:

        you’re insane, and if you want to talk about shallow, we can discuss your idiotic and unoriginal fat joke.

        Posted on Reply
  8. OMG says:

    How has NO ONE mentioned that we this week we were all subjected to Hannah’s squatting to take a PISS at the train station??? I will never get those 4 seconds back!! UGHHHHH

    Posted on Reply
  9. TBetch says:

    This show is like a train wreck - its terrible, but I can’t look away. I must know what weird ass unrealistic thing is going to happen next. I cannot relate to any of the characters in a real way. None of them seem like real people. At all.

    Posted on Reply
  10. imoutttt says:

    seriously not up to par..first season was wayyy better!..dont know what direction theyre trying to go in, but its not working. there’s no wisdom or humor here and its just stupid situation after stupid situation. also…could they make Jessa’s daddy issues more cliche? ew.

    also, @OMG…totally agree, over the top. but i guess they had to make up for her lack of nakedness from last week.

    Posted on Reply
  11. Love Girls says:

    Loved this show last season. Also have been disappointed with this season. Hannah needs to take more control of who she sex with. Someone kisses her and she automatically decides that person is okay to have sex with. Doesn’t even seem like she used a condom with Frank. Disgusting and bad role model on a show that’s supposed to be about this generation.

    Posted on Reply
    • anonbetch says:

      you sound like an old mom

      Posted on Reply
  12. J127 says:

    Is any one going to talk about how Hannah managed to find the only two people who live in bumblefuck yet still manage to have a British accent? The only thing more rare than that is an episode of this show that doesn’t feature Hannah’s fleshy undercarriage.

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anyone? says:

    Does anyone notice that jessa’s dad looks like sirius black?.. just saying

    Posted on Reply
  14. Jessa's dad says:

    Did anyone notice that Jessa’s dad looks like sirius black? just saying

    Posted on Reply
  15. kt says:

    was totes going to say jessa’s dad is sirius black. he didn’t intentionally not pick them up from the store, he fell through the black veil, duh.

    Posted on Reply
  16. kt says:

    also, based on the name of the epi i assumed we would be hearing some lana del ray. instead, cue “silver lining” by rilo kiley as frank splooges all over hannah’s underwear. perfection

    Posted on Reply
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