BETCHES LOVE THIS

Hi, Betches.

I’m the Fugtorialist, here to make your J. Brand pastel-colored jeans and Alexander Wang bucket bag look about as hip as butterfly clips and platform Sketchers. You can think of me as a younger, less wrinkly version of Joan Rivers or like, a Sherpa who will steer you away from dressing like Miley.

xoxo, The Fugtorialist

NM’s Fugliest

There's a lot of seriously fugly fashion out there and I’m not talking about the obvious Ed Hardy variety, but like top-shelf shit from our favorite places to text&shop (aka Neiman’s, Bloomies, and BG). This weekend I strolled into Neiman Marcus post boozy brunch and came across some of the most terrifying shit ever. I had to stop and dry heave over a garbage can because some of the clothes and shoes I saw actually brought me to that level. Like, I was at the point where I wanted to be Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman and have them ask me to leave the store. So basically, don’t fucking wear these clothes unless you want people to start calling you Hanna Horvath.

Dolce & Gabbana Tomato-Print Sweetheart Dress ($2,681) - Some days, I wake up and say to myself: "You know what? I would love to look like a tomato today." Like, what screams Zooey Deschanel/quirky-chic more than a '40s-esque tomato-print frock? It's fucking genius—like no one will ever notice that I’m not eating, because I’m literally swathed in tomatoes. For the indecisive fashionista, they have also done us a huge favor and designed onion and eggplant prints. My dream of showing up to the rooftop party dressed like the ingredients in a fajita is finally coming true! See it here>>

Stella McCartney Argyle Sweater Dress ($1,050) - If Mr. Rogers fucked my 5th grade art teacher, this sweater would be its love child. Like, what am I supposed to do with this? Wear it to the tri-state area Jester Convention? Even a fucking minstrel on Game of Thrones wouldn’t be subjected to this sartorial water-boarding. See it here>>

Giuseppe Zanotti Tasseled Velvet Loafer ($750) - When I heard that this was a “smoking slipper,” I got more excited than Jessica Simpson over a buttered Pop Tart. Penny loafers to blaze in? Jackpot. Some of them are actually cute—like the leopard ones. But take a gander at this mess. Between the crimson velvet and bejeweled tassels, it’s like a Renaissance fair junkie’s wet dream. I don’t know how else to describe these shoes other than they are what I would imagine it would be like having to smell K. Stew’s breath in the morning. See it here>>

Jimmy Choo Iris Beaded Crochet Sandal ($1001) - Jimmy Choo can do no wrong, SJP? How do you explain this—Rastafarian couture? Also, what the fuck was this made with? Saltwater taffy and the leftover material from the embroidered beach bag I bought on our 2005 family vaca to the Cayman Islands? See it here>>

Burberry Brit Exploded Check Tunic ($395) - Sweet plaid. Apparently this is from the Old Navy for Neiman Marcus collab. See it here>>

Kate Spade Melinda Floral Vinyl Print Satchel ($278) - This bag reminds me of something a fat 50-something named Linda/Peggy with calloused feet would wear. Like, waltzing into her nail salon with this concotion. Omg thank you for asking, Phuy-Then. I got this on my trip to New York City for 75% off from this lovely African man in this quaint little side street called Canal Street! See it here>>

JWLA for Johnny Was Smith Embroidered Tunic ($140) - Oh my gosh, maternity section at Target how did you sneak in there? Oh wait, nevermind, it’s JWLA (seriously though, who the fuck is that?). Somewhere, Isaac Mizrahi is gleefully clapping his hands. See it here>>

If you want to contact The Fugtorialist email her at thefugtorialist@gmail.com and follow @fugtorialist on Twitter!