BETCHES LOVE THIS

Recently, I was casually hooking up with this guy who I thought was my prince charming.  I was taking things slow.  I’m normally not a prude, but I didn’t want this muscular hottie thinking I was some kind of slut. He was an amazing kisser and there were no complaints in terms of size, so I knew it was worth the wait. But after a month, we still hadn’t had sex. 

On my birthday, I decided it was time.   In his room, we started kissing and then undressing each other.  BTW: He has one of those bodies that clothing can never do justice.  He threw me on the bed, and we started doing it.  I was on top, and I was riding him like a classy fucking cowgirl.  I started to go in and out - higher and higher and… Oh fuck

Is there something in my butt? Oh my god. THERE IS SOMETHING IN MY BUTT.  I screamed and rolled off of him.  My asshole was throbbing.  I had never been so aware of the area between my cheeks.  After the shock subsided, I realized I couldn’t see. Nothing. Complete darkness.  I stood up and started groping at the air like a blind prostitute.  I stumbled naked toward where I assumed would be the door.  Oh no. His roommates were in the common room.  I couldn't wander out. They’d think I was Helen Keller. The only words I could muster were, “Can’t see…  need – my ASSHOLE!”  My balance began to waver.  Is the floor moving? My knees gave way.  I hit the floor.  And then NOTHING

Minutes later, I came to with him kneeling over me.  He had a glass of water and a towel.  I had fainted for the first time in my life.  I couldn’t remember a thing.  I’d blacked out before, but always from alcohol, not mistaken anal sex.  This would happen to me.  I was humiliated.  My ass was burning.  The floor was cold.  I wanted to leave.  I drank the water.  Got dressed. And waddled all the way home (and for the next week).

Dear Dick Induced Blackout,

Not going to lie here, I too have been the victim of a backdoor break and entry so believe-you-me I know how awful it is. I admire sluts who can take an ass pounding and pretend to enjoy it but alas, two fingers are two much for me.  I say we form a girl band called “One Directon” in reference to our buttholes. Just promise you won’t faint please. Tres embarrassing.

Like for real, so embarrassing. But just think, if you didn’t wake up and an ambulance had to come and they carried you out naked and had to explain--oh god I wish that happened. Then we’d have a story. You didn’t even give a follow up. There’s no way he called you again after you pulled a Weekend at Bernie’s on him. Or did he? Actually, who cares? Stop being such a tight ass.