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By The Betches on

After a girl has been the #16 breakup betch for a while, the logical next step is to find someone new. However, as we’ve already described a betch in a relationship as a much lamer version of herself, having a fuck buddy is really the best of both worlds. It allows you to be your truest betch self while getting laid on a regular basis without having to deal with some miserable boyfriend around telling you that your crop top looks too slutty.american pie

A betch knows that there are some times in her life when she can’t be tied down because there are just too many people out there who want to hook up with her. You can go out and rage, do whatever drugs you want, and not have to answer to fucking anyone. However, while guys can get off to a piece of fucking apple pie (Was it just a piece or was it the whole pie?), a girl has a much better time when a guy knows how to give her what she wants.

While we know there are a lot of dicks out there, some are more special than others. Betches like everything they do to be special and exclusive, even the things that go in us. But since we’re not about to date anyone, our established fuck buddies become VIPs, our Very Important Penises.

This also allows betches the freedom to explore as many options as we want, while still having consistent sex and minimizing our number. One might call them a friend with benefits, but unlike my actual friends who I would be there for in times of sickness and trouble, the only reason I would text my VIP when he’s ill would be to see if he’s gonna make it out tonight! They’re not really your friend, and maybe you talk occasionally, but if not for the sex, there would probably be little to no contact at all.For a betch, having a VIP is just like making an investment (thanks for teaching us about the stock market dad!). You do a lot of research and carefully select who looks the most promising. In other words, he’s tall, has a penis on the larger side, and knows what the fuck he’s doing. We’re not trying to devirginize anyone here. Sometimes a betch has a few investments that are going great for her, that way she can choose who she wants at any given time. Every Wall Street asshole understands the importance of a diversified portfolio, and so does a betch. Just because we’re hot doesn’t mean we’re stupid. Feeling a slow and sensual tryst set to the tune of Boyz II Men? Call Todd! Looking to conquer the third floor of the library? Good thing Andrew’s around!

So bros, if you’re lucky enough to be a betch’s VIP, don’t worry about her excessive drunken BBMs, it’s just that she wants to fuck, and one of her other VIPs might not be answering at the moment. Just remember, if you secure a coveted spot on a betch’s VIP list, you should always RSVP in a timely fashion or next time you might not get in.



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24 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    What does a betch do if she has her period?

    Posted on Reply
    • Aaryn Costello betch says:

      Any Normal / head betch has it so good down there (bomb pussy as a rapper/black celeb would say), fucks so well and is smart enough to fuck a hot/amazing/best in bed guy that they will have sex with you on your period. Just wait after the first 2-3 days, if it’s a boyfriend you can let him the second, or first day if your really needing an orgasm not from yourself, and use a towel underneath, have a wet warm/cold cloth ready to go after and obviously shower after which is what every betch should do after sex.

      Posted on Reply
      • Aaryn Costello says:

        I never said that. Can you please have someone delete that?

        Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    you fucking tell him youre obvi are on your period….duh. no one likes a bloody dick…

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    Sounds like a bunch of sluts

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    To all my girls with a man who be tryin to mack
    Do it right back to him and let that be that
    You need to let him know that his game is whack
    And Lil’ Kim and Christina Aguilera got your back

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    You’re obviously fugly.

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    sounds like you’re not a VIP

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    I love my VIP! He’s da best.

    Posted on Reply
  8. The Betches says:

    Fucking LOVE this site. Something on collegeacb? Would love to see you guys sink your betchy claws into that topic.

    Posted on Reply
  9. The Betches says:

    WAIT. Also how have you guys not done shit on sorawrities / big-little / something as equally #whitegirlproblems – worthy.

    Seriously this site is actually my life.

    Posted on Reply
  10. The Betches says:

    Damn, I love betches! I need to write a song about this shit -right after I get done smoking a betch -ha!

    Posted on Reply
  11. Liza says:

    as a young, betch in training this is prolly the best lesson to learn. fuck boyfriendsss, vips can still buy you thihngs;)

    Posted on Reply
  12. Jocelyn says:

    No… you fuck anyways. Who cares about HIS bloody dick? Not your problem

    Posted on Reply
  13. Bro King says:

    You dumb sluts are funny.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Layla says:

    How do you get a VIP?

    Posted on Reply
  15. kat says:

    you are not a true betch if you have to ask questions on any of these posts. one cannot simply try and be a betch or change their lives to be a betch. you were born that way and you read all these posts and say things like ‘hmm i agree’, ‘i remember doing that’ or you don’t because you were too black out drunk, or ‘fuck is someone like following my life’

    Posted on Reply
  16. Logic says:

    3 Biggest turnoffs personally: Ditzy, pretend to be dumb, stuck up. If you think your knowledgeable enough to be giving advice through writing an article, you’d know guys prefer fuck buddy’s way more than girls. Commenting on slutty clothing is the best example of annoying boyfriends? Maybe so but thats a grain of sand compared to the beach of problems girls give guys. Forget once to hold a door open, get a bitch fit. Leaking vaginal blood is DEFINITELY not a good look. If your thinking it’s your version of a money shot guess again. It’s a version of a hilarious story that will and has been laughed at by others. You’ll be remembered for a leaky vagina forever…not attractive

    Posted on Reply
  17. Eyes Opened says:

    Absolutely… Not only is the VIP-snagging fake “betch” ruining her reputation among the Demigod Bro community with incredibly high GPAs, especially given the strategic raging we’re doing whilst working awesome jobs/internships throughout the week, but also, she is losing severe points on the attractive scale among us. As a matter of fact, we are collaboratively assessing her decline as we make hilarious grotesque comparisons to her animal-istic behavior. Comments like: “look at the water-slarshing hot-ass buffalo” ensue, and “damn!, if I was drunk enough; I’d love to get an STD from her” resonate. No bro wants to be pestered by a semi-hot fake betch (who may have had a chance to be hot had she not leaked animal-lust-liquid on the dancefloor) that is blowing up your phone while demigod bros are targeting demigod betches—who have and show respect to themselves and our game.

    Posted on Reply
    • Ew says:

      I’d rather pretend to be dumb than actually be dumb. *you’re *buddies

      Posted on Reply
  18. this betch says:

    *surfing the crimson wave

    Posted on Reply
  19. Ashley says:

    EXACTLY!  i’m with you on that wink

    Posted on Reply
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