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By The Betches on

This post needs no introduction. We are all, unfortunately, all too familiar with the proverbial thorn in your side, muddy spot on your suede Tod’s loafers, the bitch you share your NetJet with, the ingrown toenail your $70 spa pedicure failed to remove. We’re talking about the frenemy.

The frenemy is often another betch in your circle who you’ve probably been friends with for a while, and it would just be awkward if you openly stopped being friends. Still, it’s widely accepted that you kind of fucking hate each other. It’s also expected that she comprises a large piece of your #1 shit-talking pie, but because your social lives are so intertwined, it’s not worth starting World War III over just anything. It takes more effort to rally the troops to defeat the frenemy than it does to just fucking deal with her. Everyone knows betches #36 hate doing work.

Sometimes you keep the frenemy around out of habit, since she used to be cool but now she’s lame. Maybe she has some dirty secrets on you, like you hooked up with your other bestie’s boyfriend, or your boobs aren’t real. Either way, every betch has to learn to suck it up and deal with the frenemy. Putting up with the frenemy is like ironing your hair. It’s annoying and kind of fake, but you realize there’s no better way out. I mean… it’s better to listen to your whiny frenemy at her beach house than hang out with your actual friend at a public pool… right?


Lauren and KristenIf you say Stephen's name one more time I'm gonna rip out your fucking hair extensions.


So, how do you know when your relationship has reached frenemy status? Sometimes the feeling of frenemy-ship is subconscious and you might not even express it aloud. But typically it happens like you just hit a fucking wall. You wake up one day and the thought of seeing her face makes your blood boil. You can’t listen to her painful voice bitching about her goddamn boyfriend one more time. You no longer see her as a person, and she evolves into more of an “it” until the point that the use of her birth name disintegrates completely, as you build an arsenal of many, many #9 nicknames. You can be sure you have a frenemy when you find yourself experiencing feelings of happiness at someone’s failure. Becky’s boyfriend cheated on her? And her dad cut her off? Fuck yea, best day of my life!

Maybe you have multiple frenemies within your group (and you probably do if you’re a true betch) and you need to pick and choose which one you hate more in any given situation. I would be unhappy that Julie got into Emory because I obviously secretly hope her life will be a failure, but I know Lexi wants to go there too, so hopefully Julie took her spot. Hah, dumb bitches.

To someone outside the bestie circle, navigating these elusive friendship dynamics can be complex and dangerous. Relax betches, everyone has their shit with each other, and you never know who’s frenemy you might be. There’s always going to be betches who are really jealous of you…just ask Julius Caesar how hard it is to be the most popular girl in Rome.



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4 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    But how do you know when its time to finally cut of the frenemy? if your blood always boils with her, then when is it time to say enough is e-fucking-nough?

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    That’s the thing, a true betch knows how to cut the frenemy off without being too obvious. Time to just talk more shit, start rumors, and be selective with who you invite where and to what. A bitch would just say it to her face, but a true betch knows how to outsmart the system and cut the frenemy out of her life. Also, sometimes the frenemy is necessary- she helps you get all your anger out and vent about something and gives us yet another excuse to drink more wine!

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    Ok so seriously, if you have an iPhone just take her out of the group text by starting a new group text without her. She will never know and the you also are excluding her. She won’t even realize she’s not being invited to the party or missing out on inside jokes. Best part is… Nobody will be texting her. Bingo, it’s golden. It’s what I did at least.

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  4. SugarfreeHazelnut says:

    I know this is an old post but I LOVE it. I was besties with a girl for a year until she started getting on my last nerve. She was totally boy obsessed and I was getting tired of trying to give her advice all the time on how she shouldn’t be fucking every bro out there. When she told me we should “take a break” being friends I was just like, seee yaaa. It’s hard because sometimes you don’t even realize they’re a frenemy until after you guys stop talking.

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