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By The Betches on

Leo: You shouldn’t have lost all that weight man. There’s nothing funny about a physically fit man.
Ira: I know, it’s lame right?
Leo: Yeah, no one wants to watch Lance Armstrong do comedy.

- Funny People

You used to be able to spot him from a mile away, but not anymore. He’s the bro who won’t go swimming on spring break so as to avoid the shirt on/shirt off/dangling excess skin dilemma. He’ll be the guy drinking a white wine spritzer at a tailgate. He won’t hesitate to verbally assault his mother for suggesting he skip the gym on Christmas Eve. He is the Former Fat Bro and he has more issues with body image than Jessica Simpson.

If a guy is a true fat "bro" and not just a regular fat invisible person, it's most likely because he's either extremely rich and pays for all his friends' shit, or he's fucking hilarious, but probably both. The most important thing to understand with fat bros is that the tire around their stomach is where they store their sense of humor and once they lose weight their personality usually goes from technical to nonexistent, only to be replaced with a severe workout complex, obsession with food, and a state of the art bathroom scale.

There are two notable types of FFB, so let’s break them down.

The first is the bro who shed his chub years ago, likely around puberty or the start of high school when he decided to start rowing crew or having sex. In college, despite the fact that most of his frat bros didn’t even know him during his former fatty existence, it still heavily influences his worldview. It comes through in little ways like when he casually punches his friend in the face for jokingly calling him a fatass after putting almonds in his salad.

The second and more poignant FFB is he who goes from fat to thin right before your very eyes, most likely over the summer. As we all know, every group of bros has the one fatass who is not only abhorrent to females physically but also, because they would never dream of fucking him, he is horribly offensive to them. The rest of the bros use his mere existence to elevate their comparative desirability. He is rude and obnoxious but chances are he’s equally hilarious and could outdrink the entire Lohan family combined... in other words, a real catch.

So, what happens when the group’s designated fat fuck decides losing his virginity before he turns 25 is something he might be interested in? More often than not, along with the 100 + pounds, the FFB will also shed most of his personality. He will switch from beer to wine (which is obviously the start of the problem), and of course he’ll stop smoking weed to avoid munchies and have the energy to go to the gym hot yoga. He will leave behind all of the rowdy behaviors that made him so much fun to party with and pretty soon he will give up partying all together in exchange for an ugly girlfriend with whom he stays in and dines on fat-free parfaits. Should we split one!?

By the time the transition is complete, the FFB will be unrecognizable both physically and emotionally, and within no time he could disappear completely. Literally. So if the fat bro in your guy friend group is still with you, consider yourself blessed. And if at any point you sense him wanting to make life changes or see him skip a day party because he “drank last night” you should immediately start feeding him Kalteen bars. Friends don’t let fat friends lose weight.

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11 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Your Name says:

    Spot ON. He’s still fat as fuck but he has all the personality issues you mentioned… except he’s not funny. Why are we still friends with him?
    (Obvi because he’s rich as fuck and buys all the liquor)

    Posted on Reply
  2. sarah says:

    Ha my roommate is literally this exact description. He’s also the MGB to a T….. awkward

    Posted on Reply
  3. emj says:

    So, the former fat bro goes from fat to…gay?

    Posted on Reply
    • betch says:

      omg yess totally happened to one of my besties… such a great turn around

      Posted on Reply
  4. Coca cola says:

    Not true.. Don’t forget about the fat bro who does becomes a snow bunny

    Posted on Reply
  5. bravo says:

    Or the funny fat guy who gets super buff in college and would actually be really cute now, except that he sends off this vague try-hard vibe…probably because he’s never been in the position before to get with pretty girls that weren’t drunk and/or feeling fat that day…it’s just awkward, like a bunch of nerds deciding to have themselves a “crazy” holiday party where they play “Wasted” by Gucci Mane and giggle after they say things like “Schwasty!” is awkward…amateurs! That’s it! It’s an amateur thing! Yep. Haven’t slept in 36hrs (fuck mid-term papers), so pardon my whatever. I’m outtie.

    Posted on Reply
    • ... says:

      pop a Xanny…chill tf out

      Posted on Reply
  6. anon says:

    the quintessential former fat bro: josh peck

    Posted on Reply
  7. Betchesfolyfe says:

    I also like to call FFB “ex-heffers”

    Posted on Reply
  8. BamaBelle says:

    I had (yes that’s past tense) the FFB bestie.  He lost the weight during college then walked around with a chip on his shoulder towards any woman that expressed interest in him “Because she wouldn’t have given me the time of day before”.  Yet, before he lost the weight he hated all of them because they wouldn’t even look his way.  Then he got engaged to a chubster and gained all the weight back, and we weren’t allowed to hang out anymore because this fattie-fiance was insecure.

    Posted on Reply
  9. ffb says:

    Yeah this hit home hard, esp some of the comments are spot on. As in, I just lost a bunch of weight and now get numbers all the time, but due to that “chip off my shoulder” or lack of current personality or whatever don’t actually make anything happen with them. Instead I spend my nights doing the same shit I did when I was fat-smoking weed and trolling the internet-and occasionally end up on sites like this and get a reality check. I mean, it’s obvious the only way to measure self-worth is how many people I fuck rather than pounds I lose or bench press.

    Posted on Reply
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