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By The Betches on

When we say expensive skin shit we are obviously referring to the large collection of skin and body products that, as a betch, it's your duty to accumulate and apply. If you don't have at least 40 or so bottles and tubes of moisturizers, creams, and oils in your bathroom for your besties to envy and test out, then you might as well move to South Side. The key to purchasing expensive skin shit (ESS) is to accept the fact that you can never have enough. Fuck the body and blood of Christ, your collection should be made from the sweat of ethnic newborns, plucked from the exotic trees of Morocco, and bottled in the finest huts of Indonesia. I mean, whoever said Snapple was the best stuff on Earth was clearly fat. The best things on earth are the most expensive creams that have the longest names. A betch knows Chanel Precision Sublimage Serum Essential Regenerating Cream is the best stuff on Earth. If your beauty regimen consists of anything less than this, you probably have the skin of Teen Mom's Amber. Now there's a fact you're unlikely to find on the back of your Snapple cap.


mrs doubtfire cake


But no matter how much fancy, exotic shit you have you will always omggg just neeeeeed another one! What betch hasn't arrived on Spring Break, only to discover that she left her $35 Jurlique Rosemary mist spray at home and had a major panic attack. Ugh, sweating is for lesbians on the basketball team and people who aren't perfect. Fucking duh.

Any true betch knows the dangers of mistreating their skin by using ESS for the wrong purpose. It makes us sick to think there are nice girls out there who would actually think of putting body cream on their face. After treating your skin to a day of toxic UV rays, applying the correct moisturizers to their proper body parts is essential. This makes it necessary to have each distinct product of any particular brand. For instance it's not okay to just buy the Bliss body butter and use it all over your body, rather it's necessary that you buy separate products that are designated for your body, face, feet, hands, under eyes, inner elbow creases, etc.. Sometimes it can get confusing because all the products claim to do the same thing, and a betch needs a little help. When in doubt, it's always best to just buy the most expensive ESS available. More expensive is more exclusive and since it's probably not an effective treatment anyway, this is the most effective method of choice.


dior cream$115 for a cream that I'm not really sure what it does? I'll take it!


Let's talk about brands. If we wanted to go to CVS and pick up a bottle of Jergens we might as well buy an accompanying sign that says "I'm a cheap whore with shitty crass skin." The only acceptable place to buy your expensive skin shit is online because they are so exclusive the plebs can't find them in stores, and ideally they are imported from #3 abroad. The occasional trip to Clarins or Sephora is an exception to this rule. Remember, you're never too young to start using stem cell regenerative anti-wrinkle creams made from the golden apples of Switzerland. Our motto is, if it's good enough for Gwyneth, it's good enough for me.

Occasionally your boyfriend or dad will look at your credit card bill and be like "why the fuck you need all this shit? It doesn't do anything anyway." To that you should rebut with a prompt 'fuck you'. If we wanted to pay thousands of dollars for treatments that actually worked we'd get plastic surgery. But we don't. Because we're too pretty. And like, natural.

So betches, next time you're #137 bored, go to the store and take this post as an excuse to revamp your collection of expensive skin shit. Think of it like your seasonal wardrobe except for your entire body. What better way to show you're better than everyone if not with your elite skin product regimen that no one can see.


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38 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Anonymous says:

    A dumb article. True betches are born with perfect skin.

    Posted on Reply
  2. Anonymous says:

    If you had reading comprehension skills, you’d know that I don’t have to try. Have fun putting shit that doesn’t work on your ugly face!

    Posted on Reply
  3. Anonymous says:

    Hair products are also essential. They need their own post though.

    Posted on Reply
  4. Anonymous says:

    actually if YOU had reading comprehension skills, you’d know it says none of them really work and you buy it because you can. kisses

    Posted on Reply
  5. Anonymous says:

    “What better way to show you’re better than everyone if not with your elite skin product regimen that no one can see.” #truth

    Posted on Reply
  6. Anonymous says:

    how could you write an article on this without mentioning creme de la mer??!! love it or hate it—its still the ultimate expensive-skin-shit staple!

    Posted on Reply
  7. Anonymous says:

    Betches who love tanning need to start their anti-aging ESS regimen at 18.

    Posted on Reply
  8. Skinny betch says:

    I know you anonymous fugly Betches stole the use of my word “plebes”. Like, come up with your own shit.

    Posted on Reply
  9. j says:

    The one and only.

    Posted on Reply
  10. Anonymous says:

    agreed. i was surprised you didn’t mention this

    Posted on Reply
  11. Anonymous says:

    boo you whores. this was awful. all betches have great skin. why spend money on skin shit when you’re hot enough to have people buy it for you?? or give it to you for free?

    Posted on Reply
  12. ilana says:

    no mention of la mer? what is this

    Posted on Reply
  13. anonymous says:

    clearly, you have never heard of products such as la mer, darphin, or la prairie.. finest skin products on the market. true betches would use these and only these.

    Posted on Reply
  14. Anonymous says:

    They obvi implied using your daddy’s or BF’s card. Who in their right mind would let a guy buy skin shit for them?

    Posted on Reply
  15. Anonymous says:

    Who cares… if you have perfect hair does that mean you shouldn’t buy the most expensive shampoos?

    Posted on Reply
  16. Anonymous says:

    umm have you never heard of Lamer, you are poor betches

    Posted on Reply
  17. Anonymous says:

    have you never heard of a face lift?
    you must be a poor betch smile

    Posted on Reply
  18. JK says:

    Please.  You did not invent that word.

    Posted on Reply
  19. Bitches says:

    Good damn bitches

    Posted on Reply
  20. kristin says:

    clearly, you have never heard of products such as la mer, darphin, or la prairie.. finest skin products on the market. true betches would use these and only these. #BOOM a fucking men? chanel ... please.. if you have ever used darphin lily face wash, it would be more like chanel who? chanel is not unique at all when it comes to face grandmother wouldnt even use chanel face products. this post fucking sucks

    Posted on Reply
  21. bro69 says:

    fuck you guys I love snapple

    Posted on Reply
  22. they know says:

    burst out laughing at this comment, perf

    Posted on Reply
  23. please says:

    dior and chanel face creme? if you chose these brands for skin care you are paying for the logo on the bottle. a true betch uses la mer and la mer only. duh

    Posted on Reply
  24. Anonymous says:

    real betches know the only thing sephora is good for is stealing

    Posted on Reply
  25. hehe says:

    its so entertaining to read people´s posts on these articles bc theyre all trying to out “write like a betch” each other.. just write like normal people, and make an actual point.

    oh and signing something “kisses” doesnt make you betchy. OWNED.

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    That is such a dumb response… stop trying to hard!

    Posted on Reply
  27. judge me says:

    where was the la mer reference?????

    Posted on Reply
  28. headbetch says:

    this was boring.. i expected more

    Posted on Reply
  29. ummmm says:

    i have lost all respect for this betch because she didn’t mention la mer… i thought we were similar but obviously not

    Posted on Reply
  30. Brittany says:

    thank youuuuuuuuuuu. literally, the same exact thing i thought.

    Posted on Reply
  31. la mer says:

    ....did anyone mention the fact that La Mer wasn’t mentioned yet? jeeeeesus. chill the fuck out

    Posted on Reply
  32. lady tata says:

    x2 for the burst out laughing

    Posted on Reply
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