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By The Betches on

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The Pregame: Getting Blackout in Peace

Being an alcoholic of Chelsea Handler proportions, you’ll be able to find an excuse to pregame pretty much anything. Besides major events like birthdays, tailgates, dates, and clubbing, short of taking the LSATs and going to our first day of work, it’s basically man- datory that we get fucked up before any and all activities. For all the drinking we write about, the pregame is the only part we can be sure we’re describing accurately, and even that doesn’t include the end. OMG, I can’t even remember leaving the PG! is a common phrase to leave a betch’s mouth.

The pregame is the thing of our generation. It’s because we don’t often drink for pure enjoyment. Instead, we drink to guar- antee that we’ll be drunk enough for whatever activity follows the pregame. If we didn’t, we would need to rely on men to buy all our drinks, and I mean, we already need them to get a house and a baby, why do we need them to get us drunk, too? That’s why all independent women pregame. So, no, Mom, I can’t just fucking drink when I get there. If I wanted to be sober around strangers, I would take a bus.

If the morning after you still have vivid memories of your time at the bars/clubs/graduation/your grandma’s ninetieth birthday party, you know you didn’t pregame hard enough. Wait, did I really ask my grandpa for a drag of his cigar last night? That’s more like it.

But more important, we enjoy the exclusivity of pregames. Who will we invite? Who will be snubbed? Facebook invite or word of mouth? This can make or break how much fun you have. Everyone knows that the best bonding occurs not over baking cakes and cookies but over the three-too-many mimosas consumed during the drunk brunch before a bestie’s birthday drunk lunch.

The best way to avoid unwanted guests at any small pregame is to say that you don’t have either enough alcohol, chasers, or room for more people in the apartment. While this is obviously not true, because you have like money, the annoying people who end up attending will probably feel bad and bring you a bottle of alcohol. This is obviously worth having them over for ten minutes before you go out. This brings us to our second strategy, which is to pre- tend that you are about to leave your apartment when you want them out. If it’s too early to say you’re heading to the bars, you can say you’re about to leave for dinner or go to someone else’s pre- game, to which you can’t invite people, sorry, because you “barely know the host yourself.”

Remember, always bring your A game to the pregame. It’s your responsibility to set an example for others, prove how hard you can rage, and fuck up anyone who tries to get in your way.

You can also find this section on Brobible.com

This excerpt is from the section How to Party Like a Betch in our book Nice is Just a Place in France: How to Win at Basically Everything


The Theorem: Not Having Sex with Bros (Sometimes)

While men are allowed to approach sex mindlessly and are praised for the amount of meaningless sex they have, women are led to think that giving into their sexual desires without question will leave them pathetic, alone, and with the reputation of the village bicycle. Sad as we are to admit it, people who idolize Tucker Max and Charlie Sheen are correct about this double standard. But if you’re smart, you can manipulate this unfortunate truth to your advantage.

If the biology tutor our parents hired in high school taught us anything worth remembering, it was that no matter the species, males are always looking to spread their seed to as many hot women as possible. Women, on the other hand, are supposed to be more selective. Who is going to show up to my cousin’s wedding with me, make all of my friends jealous, and make a great father to my future kids? And who’s going to want to be the one to invest an entire life of resources and time to make sure this child not only survives but also gets into Dalton?

Lesson learned: If you’re screwing a poor bartender/actor on the first date for the sake of getting laid, you’re really just fucking yourself. This guy will not have any of the durable attributes—wealth, stability, and status—that are integral to the survival of your superior genetic code. The facts don’t lie, and neither do we.

It may seem counterintuitive that the most desirable betches are the ones who also deny bros the most often. It’s important to realize that it’s not just appearance that men find attractive, but also how selective you are with your sexual partners. Ever heard a bro’s boring story about his hunting trip? Did any of these stories end up with him saying, “Yeah, that deer just ran into a tree and I picked it up and felt like the man.” No, that would make him feel like shit because killing that deer was easy, and who the fuck places value on things that are easy?

The fun is in the chase. Even when the bro finally kills the extraordinarily elusive deer, he still treasures it because he knows that he worked hard for it. It would have been really difficult, if not impossible, for anyone else to do it. Thus you hold a secret that no bro will tell you, but every bro knows: He wants to feel special. He wants to feel like you’ll do shit for him that you wouldn’t do for others. And that is why men crave women who project self-respect and self-control, and who are particular about what they put in their body and with whom they spend their time. If a bro knows that you’d just as easily hook up with his short, chubby, B-team friend as you would with him, you’re very quickly putting yourself in a bad place. You can be sure he has no interest in putting his dick in the same place as a second-tier bro.

Having sex with you is a prize for which bros should work. If you’re giving away the music for free, no one’s going to buy the album. It happened with Napster, it will happen to you. Being a strong, independent, and powerful betch is about understanding this fact and using it to dominate in a world where men believe they have the upper hand.

So next time you find yourself having sex with a guy you just met at a bar or on the first date, realize that the only shots he’ll be getting you from now on are the kind that are about to come out of his penis.


 

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9 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. Stacey says:

    So after how many times of hanging out is it ok to sleep with the guy?

    Posted on Reply
    • Say Say says:

      If you’ve gone as far as first base during the first two dates, by the end of the third, hallelujah.

      Posted on Reply
  2. amelia says:

    pre-game excerpt: on point
    sex excerpt: weird internalized objectification bullshit. gross.

    Posted on Reply
  3. YES anne boleyn says:

    I have always admired Anne Boleyn as a seriously betchy historical figure. idol status

    Posted on Reply
  4. avehansen says:

    do you have the book on tape?
    betches don’t read

    Posted on Reply
  5. Your Name says:

    I always have sex on the first date, if it’s what I want. I dont give a fuck if he wants to feel special, I want to have sex. and no one that I have had sex with the first night hasn’t tried to date me. so bye

    Posted on Reply
  6. carly says:

    everything is so fucking on point. love you betches.

    Posted on Reply
  7. GeekyBetch says:

    Missing a lot in the “What your drink says about you”..your liquor cabinet seriously running that low?

    Posted on Reply
  8. D1 Lacrosse Player says:

    Some serious flaws in your paragraph about lacrosse players.  Yes we are the biggest douchebags in America but please use legitimate examples.  The Duke players were acquitted on all accounts and the stripper who accused them of rape is in jail on an unrelated charge. Perhaps, you should have done a little more research and used the George Hugley trial as an example of what monsters we are. And there are actually 3 pro leagues (2 outdoor, 1 indoor in the U.S. alone) .  The oldest of which was founded in the early 2000s.  Have you ever heard of the NHL? It was originally 6 teams. Every major sport has to start somewhere in the professional market.  I would say the World Championships is the equivalent of the Super Bowl. Interesting comparison because football is such a provincial sport that there is no international competition.  Therefore, if you remove yourself from Manhattan bubble, you would understand that lacrosse is a far more globally recognized sport.  And we don’t play for our reputation. We play to win and prove that hard work and dedication pays off by winning a championship. You would not know too much about winning sports because you are morbidly obese. Instead of writing this book, you would have better spent your team reading the fictional book “Of Course You’re Single! Look at Yourself, You Dumb Slut” from the widely popular sitcom, How I Met Your Mother.

    Sincerely,
    Your Neighborhood Fact Checker

    P.S. I turned down an offer to attend Cornell for lacrosse. True story.

    Posted on Reply
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