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By The Betches on

When betches are sitting around doing what they do best, #1 talking shit, one of their favorite things to do is point out the recent weight fluctuations of other betches. Jamie’s face looks totally bloated lately, she should really be holding the dressing on that salad! Sucks for her! OMG, all that food Brittany ate when she went #3 abroad went straight to her thighs! Yuck!

While a betch will not eat for days because “nothing tastes as good as thin feels,” it’s hard to conjure up that inspirational picture of yourself when you had mono in 11th grade, if you’re blackout drunk and Domino’s is on the way (get the door!!). Do the calories count if I don’t remember!? Nahh!

Sometimes a betch will achieve the holy grail of betchdom, and actually lose a few pounds and look better. (Side note: no matter how skinny a betch is, she will always claim to be on a diet. The marginal 1% of betches, the fat ones, are kept around to make the others feel good about themselves, and to eat their leftovers to dispel the eating disorder rumors). Most of the time, a betch’s weight loss will be met with resentment from her “besties,” who will comment that she looks “too thin, flat chested, and no guys like her anyway.” This is most likely to be the situation if a betch’s weight loss actually resulted in her becoming the SKINNIEST BETCH IN THE FRIEND GROUP!! This would be considered unacceptable and will increase the time spent #1 talking shit about her behind her back.

So exactly how skinny does a betch desire to be? This would be a good time to mention some of the most influential betch idols when it comes to size:

 

prattOMG Steph looks so ano! Jeal.

 

1. Gisele Bundchen 2. Mary-Kate Olsen 3. Natalie Portman 4. Adriana Lima 5. Victoria Beckham 6. Blake Lively 7. Angelina Jolie

(Vomit break)

Anyway, how does one achieve skinny betch status? Obviously, we go on a DIIIIET!!!

When a betch declares to her friends that she’s “going on a serious diet” (usually she’s “going ano…but really”), it's never a diet any doctor would approve and her goal weight is always about 20 pounds under the "underweight" categorization of the BMI chart. South Beach and Weight Watchers are wayyyyyy too hard and just don’t work with our drinking habits, no offense to science and all.

Here are some of the worst-kept diet secrets, so prolific that we don’t even know what brilliant betch deserves credit for them. So try out some of these tips, and just remember, food looks wayyyyy better on the plate than it will on your ass!!!

The True Ano Diet: Generally the most popular of the betch diets, it involves eating nothing for as long as humanly possible. When you're about to pass out have a sushi naruto roll and a bottle of water. If the eating part of this sounds unappealing, just pop an Adderall and you'll forget that cheese fries even exist. Avoid binge eating while drinking. This diet doesn’t require exercise and helps a betch get drunk faster, thus avoiding calories from additional shotssssss (no beer, ever). Typical foods include salads (dressing on the side, duh), grilled chicken or shrimp, diet coke and iced coffee, carrot and celery sticks, 100 calorie packs (only one per day, two if you’re starrrrrving). After all, "eating disorder" is just another way of saying "effective dieting." (Thanks BrosLikeThisSite!!! Betches love you!!!)

The One Meal A Day Diet: Similar to the True Ano Diet, except a betch will usually have one large meal consisting of anything she wants, thus she is eating her entire day of calories in one sitting; more effective if combined with exercise, especially since the one large feast will provide the energy to run for a few minutes at least. This method is easily executed if a betch can keep occupied with school work (Adderall to suppress the appetite!), exercising, napping, and going out (still no beer allowed!!!!).

The Cabbage Soup Diet: Eat only cabbage soup, day and night; most common in preparation for a big event like a fraternity formal, or vacation involving bikinis; difficult to maintain over a long period of time. The Exercise All The Time Diet: go to the gym for hours at a time and hit every machine possible, in addition to exercise classes like hot yoga and Soul Cycle (ugh, love Soul Cycle). Try not to overeat, but eat enough to be able to maintain a full day of exercise. This is not the diet plan for the lazy betches out there. Try to be compulsive enough to get right under that level where other betches will sit you down for an intervention (jealous betches!). Some people might call this exercise bulimia. We don't care about them.

The FroYo Diet: Eat fro-yo in place of at least two meals a day; most effective with fat free frozen yogurt; use toppings sparingly (unless you like sprinkles, since sprinkles are so small, they’re like basicallyyy no calories!) .

The Drinking Only Diet: After sipping on wine all day, pound shots hard and fast. Then take a Xanax and pass the fuck out before your body realizes it hasn’t eaten in 12 hours.

Any one of these fail-safe, betch-proof diets is SURE to get you to the weight you wanna be, so just try it and we PROMISE you'll see the results!!!

 

 

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97 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    Hahaha this is amazing! I die.

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    HA! Story of our lives – you are totally reading our minds. Us betches need this site (and love it!) to know we are not alone among the commoners. Keep up the amazinggggg posts betch. Oh, and can we send in our own?
    xoxo

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    youre promoting eating disorders and thats beyond fucked up you stupid bitch.

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    if you have such a problem with what this betch has to say then youre obvi a hater and can take your dumbass opinions and go eat your fucking feelings. she speaks the truth if you dont like it then dont read it.

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    It would seem as if someone’s sarcasm meter is broken.

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    every betch knows that the most successful diet coke and orbit diet is to get packs of every flavor for when your like starvingg. switching up the flavors when you get bored is practically like having a meal. obvi this site is the shit, youz just a hater

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    Hahaha the best part is that all of the google ads at the bottom are for eating disorders…ironic? I think not!

    Posted on Reply
  8. The Betches says:

    you know that ads on sites are targeted to your own site viewing right? for instance, i ride horses so mine is for saddles… Maybe you need rehab? just make sure it is a posh one!

    Posted on Reply
  9. The Betches says:

    Hahaha this is so funny and so true.

    To all the hater, it’s the cold hard truth. No one wants to be fat.

    Posted on Reply
  10. The Betches says:

    you are so dead on with the “One Meal A Day Diet”. I have been doing that for the two months and its effective as long as you take your addie

    Posted on Reply
  11. The Betches says:

    I love the “Betches” diet advise. I think they need to create a diet book “The “Adderall”-kins” diet.Such questions as”does the olive or celery in a martini count as a vegetable? And does the green apple or pomegranite martini constitute your fruit requirments for the day? ; would help all of the young ladies our there keep a balanced view on dieting!

    Posted on Reply
  12. The Betches says:

    hahahah… its true though, nothing tastes as good as thin feels!

    Posted on Reply
  13. The Betches says:

    NOthing works better than the NO BREAD diet. Cut all bread, cereal, rice, potatoes (techinically all starches) Every betches best friend diet. You still can eat and go out with bros, you are just really skinny at the same time.

    Posted on Reply
  14. The Betches says:

    ha, love you betches that commented on this. shots for being skinny hayyy, and stfu if you’re gonna hate on this cite, you’re obvi not a real betch and can’t handle the truth- buh bye!

    Posted on Reply
  15. The Betches says:

    You forgot the chain smoking diet

    Posted on Reply
  16. The Betches says:

    You forgot Rachel Zoe as a Betch icon when it comes to size! Love that betch.

    Posted on Reply
  17. The Betches says:

    Attention bitches railing on the betches: this is a satirical site and is not meant to be taken seriously, only to entertain. It’s funny. And I love it.

    Posted on Reply
  18. The Betches says:

    this makes me so sad. there is NOTHING funny about joking about eating disorders. By making jokes about anorexia you are making fun of people who have a real disease. I’m sorry to be a debbie downer but i think that is very disrespectful

    Posted on Reply
  19. The Betches says:

    Don’t hate bitch. I’ve been ano for years and I find this hilarious. You’re probs a pasty fat bitch who eats her feelings, so if you have a problem with the betch lifestyle then I have a solution for you: get the fuck off this site and go stuff your face because you’ll never be a betch with that attitude.

    Posted on Reply
  20. The Betches says:

    totally gonna try the ano!

    Posted on Reply
  21. The Betches says:

    You forgot the cocaine diet! That’s easily the most popular weight loss method among betches ever.

    Posted on Reply
    • stylejunk says:

      not just coke, any drugs will do. speed is my favorite for weight loss but MDMA, opiates, psychedelics, benzos….....as long as it’s distracting and keeps your food budget low, it’s effective! i feel like i eat whatever i want and i’m 30 lbs underweight. smile hope you’re not being sarcastic, haha!

      Posted on Reply
  22. The Betches says:

    I’d like to add that the South Beach is superr effective when you don’t have to cook. I mean, if course it wouldn’t be considered if a betch like you or me had to do all the work, but with a personal chef it is delicious AND so easy!

    Posted on Reply
  23. The Betches says:

    I totally used to do a combination of True Ano, One Meal a Day, Exercise All Day, and Drink only diets. Wake up at 12pm, big iced coffee, workout for 3 hours, drink water/diet anything/more iced coffee, then have a big dry salad, and go out.

    Then I grew up…but it was effective & awesome at the time.

    Posted on Reply
  24. The Betches says:

    HAHA! Classic…..im just about to undertake a “SERIOUS” diet myself…….the wonderfully delicious cabbage soup diet,YUM!! However, i usually only ever last till day 4 but as long as im debloated by weekend time i dont feel too guilty bout the glass vodka that was one too many Love your blog betch!

    Posted on Reply
  25. The Betches says:

    UHmazing. You read my mind betch.

    Posted on Reply
  26. The Betches says:

    I did this and then I started craving bread (carbs) so much that i just ended up binging…………and then purging. :/ i do it so often now, but it’s to keep myself from getting fat from all the binges :/ ughhhhh kill me. Three mothafuckin years now and I hate it so much cuz I’m not even getting any skinnier.

    Posted on Reply
  27. The Betches says:

    that’s so [th]inspiring!!  )
    how much weight did you lose from doing that? how long did it take? were you able to maintain that weight?

    Posted on Reply
  28. The Betches says:

    LOVE THIS. But how do you ask people for Adderall w/o sounding desperate/retarded?

    Posted on Reply
  29. The Betches says:

    just tell this it’s to study for midterms, then save it all up for the crash diet pre spring break

    Posted on Reply
  30. The Betches says:

    As I sit here munching on my carrots stix and brownie, in alternating bites, I deeply enjoy the commentary. I realize being a skinny betch is for others, being a MILFY betch with a little curve is for me. YOU GO BETCHES! RIDE ON!

    Posted on Reply
  31. Lolitatruebetch says:

    Please don’t forget about dukan. I mean, who is the number one betch who has reached all betch goals ?? Kate Middleton duh!! That betch is a skinny princess now. So, we all need to do the dukan diet, obvi.

    Posted on Reply
  32. Jess says:

    ok first of all this is fucked up…its not about actually being anorexic it’s just about looking anorexic. plus, seriously, when guys are dying to take you to expensive dinners, you at least need a solid reason for choosing a salad and steamed veggies…yum! going vegan is the ultimate accessory to the betch (read: skinny bitch).

    Posted on Reply
  33. Em says:

    right on I dropped extreme weight from the cocaine diet! you’re hardly ever hungry and you’re constantly moving. best betch diet ever in my opinion.

    Posted on Reply
  34. Micah says:

    Thanks for using the time and effort to write something so interesting. 
     
    My blog:     
    Rachat de credit www.rachatdecredit.net

    Posted on Reply
  35. Anonymous says:

    I bet the reason all you betches are ano is because you have daddy issues- because you’re ugly.

    Posted on Reply
  36. brunette mafia says:

    Shut the fuck up. Don’t read this website then. It isn’t called “nice girls” its called “betches”

    Posted on Reply
  37. Brunette Mafia says:

    This is GREAT! And shut the fuck up all you complainers

    Posted on Reply
  38. kayttt says:

    i thought i was the only one who was like this! love all you betches. now send me some adderral!!!!

    Posted on Reply
  39. annabelle says:

    Actually in the middle of midterms right now! asking all my bros for their adderrall!!! Sneaky betch right here!

    Posted on Reply
  40. Betchy MacBetch says:

    No bread diet is the best. Betches lose so much weight on that. Paleo diet is where it’s at.

    Posted on Reply
  41. M says:

    I see the humor in this site, don’t get me wrong, but this is straight up disgusting. Before all you other bitches start calling me fat, I’m 5’8” and 130lbs and look pretty normal. I used to have an eating disorder and weighed 100lbs and it was the hardest thing to get over. Encouraging girls not to eat is so wrong and this site should be ashamed they posted this article. Be skinny and diet, but do it healthily and stop acting like a fucking disorder is something to be proud of.

    Posted on Reply
    • betchy123 says:

      I find this site absolutely hilarious, I love it, but this is taking it a step too far. Stop encouraging eating disorders - they’re life ruining illnesses, not fashion statements. You make them out to seem like a vain life choice, and I actually find hat really offensive. I know this whole site is satirical, but there is a limit to the type of things you can openly degrade. You’re providing people with a place to fuel a serious mental health disorder, which is not fair, especially the way you hate on people when they comment on the obscenity of this (like you’ll do to me, I’m sure). And please don’t refer to it as ‘ano’, it’s disgusting.

      Posted on Reply
  42. Anonymous says:

    white people…

    Posted on Reply
  43. Anonymous says:

    you definitely have an eating disorder, i wouldn’t be posting this on this website. you need to get help for this

    Posted on Reply
  44. ExAno Betch says:

    Umm so everything else on this site is hilarious. But like, this post is so wrong. All these girls who say that they do these diets can def only keep up with them for like, 2 days. I did this for four years….ended up in the hospital…not very betchy to be in those robes with an IV, even though I was 5’4 and 80 pounds. I was a REAL ano betch, and it didn’t work out too well. So puh-lease, please don’t make this into a pro-ano site. Betches love life…anorexics want to end theirs.

    Posted on Reply
  45. Anonymous says:

    omg, bulim or ano?
    ano!
    me too!!
    -high five-

    Posted on Reply
  46. fuck you says:

    Vegans are stupid cunt betches who shit pretentiousness. good job, you stupid fucking betch.

    Posted on Reply
    • rude. says:

      I went on a vegan diet for a while for my health.  I still wore leather and everything.  It’s not pretentious. Some people just do better on a vegan diet, and the food tasted better to me.  Now I eat fish, but still don’t consume dairy.  It’s not for everyone, but you shouldn’t hate on all vegans when you don’t know EVERY SINGLE ONE of them.

      Posted on Reply
  47. Clur says:

    Ads are for skiing, #126, love being a betch

    Posted on Reply
  48. maikibetch says:

    won’t get you laid.

    Posted on Reply
  49. Allie says:

    YOU GUYYYSSS this is a total joke.  why else would they so blatantly point out the stereotypes of an eating disorder i.e. Other girls are Jealous!!  POUND SHOTS AND TAKE XANAX TILL U PASS OUT!

    it’s a total joke.  sure it’s a little sick and realllly sarcastic, but just don’t read it if you dont like it.  that’s what i’m about to do, close the page tab, because i think it’s stupid.

    but it’s stupid because I’T IS A (sick, not very funny) JOKE.

    peace.

    Posted on Reply
  50. princess nice girl says:

    ya eating disorders are gross there’s nothing sexy about being unhealthy. The opposite sex is biologically attracted to signs of good health (nice skin, hair, nails) because of reproduction.
    BUT I accidentally did the fro yo diet and it worked. Looked bomb. Put a little fruit and maybe almonds for protein and eat veggies & protein for your one meal. You’ll look like a star. I’m not a betch but I’m a princess :*

    Posted on Reply
  51. Anonymous says:

    You’re all saying this is a joke but I’m pretty sure it isn’t THAT much of a joke. Look at all the responses and girls actually do this weird shit. How unchill !!! I feel like a loser for posting back but I;m bored. merry christmas BETCHES

    Posted on Reply
  52. Erica says:

    When I stopped partying I gained all this weight…it was redic…back to partying around 4ish nights per week & the weight fell off with little to no effort and only a slight stuffy nose…Loves it!!

    Posted on Reply
  53. stella says:

    It’s called bulimia. I was diagnosed 2 years ago and I got treatment and have been purge-free for about 6 months now… go to emilyprogram.com, they really help.
    Love from a betch

    Posted on Reply
  54. Anonymous says:

    Ew. Yellow teeth and stank. Betches don’t smoke (unless we are druuunk).

    Posted on Reply
  55. Daisy says:

    this is the best thing I’ve ever read! the one meal a day diet is obvi amazing, I look skinnier everyday, I’m just glad to know I’m not the only betch that counts on celery and adderral to get me through the day. love ya betchesss, oh and for all the haters, sorry you don’t have enough self control to put the candy bar down and get your flabby ass on the treadmill

    Posted on Reply
  56. chloe says:

    i am so upset ahhhh i cant diet, fuck i really want to someone help…

    Posted on Reply
  57. morgan says:

    ahhh hes so hott but i cant do it, fuck

    Posted on Reply
  58. youwishbitch says:

    true betches are born skinny, diets are for peasants.

    Posted on Reply
  59. Yes says:

    Thank god betches with an actual brain read this site

    Posted on Reply
  60. Laura says:

    I 100% agree.

    Posted on Reply
  61. AhMaGawdBetch says:

    800 cal a day diet plus exercise and get wasted on the weekend. Just found this site. I love and hate betches, but mainly love!

    Posted on Reply
  62. Gaggan says:

    I have found that the junk food cravings we are all so familiar with go away completely. No longer do I crave Doritos and ice cream. The cravings I do have are for healthy food, and I eat them without guilt gender selection.

    Posted on Reply
  63. Anonymous says:

    One of my besties, asian betch Irene, makes this tea that after you drink it, you literally feel like you had a full meal. No calories, and no grody, cancer-causing aspartame

    Posted on Reply
  64. anonymous says:

    ...so being a skeletor is attractive?

    clearly, you need some help.

    with love,
    a betch

    Posted on Reply
  65. honest says:

    Ummmm I died of the hilarity. This article was too good and so damn true. Reading the comments is also pretty fucking funny.

    Posted on Reply
  66. Anonymous says:

    um excuse me betches smoke.  french cigs only though obvi.

    Posted on Reply
  67. Anonymous says:

    the fact that you just used the phrase “debbie downer” should mean your banned from this site indefinitely. like what the fuck.

    Posted on Reply
  68. Anonymous says:

    you can tell by this comment that you are both desperate and retarded…like pull yourself together betch.

    Posted on Reply
  69. So true says:

    But nobody ever talks about it..

    Love you betches!

    Posted on Reply
  70. Anonymous says:

    Just get off the site then

    Posted on Reply
  71. Your Name says:

    My sister was hospitalized three times for anorexia, and came so close to death. It was so hard to watch her go through that, and now watching this site promote anorexia disgusts me. It is a mental disorder that seriously affected my family, this is a horrible post.

    Posted on Reply
  72. sara says:

    society tells anyone who doesn’t eat 3 huge meals a day plus snacks 24/7 on chips and pretzels that they’re anorexic. obviously there’s a disease but just because the girl doesn’t wanna eat a piece of pizza doesn’t make her ano.. it may mean you’re just jealous of her self-control.

    like seriouslyy, who actually follows the dietary guidelines that tells you to eat like 9 servings of carbs a day..? if you do, you’re on the path towards obesity, my friends. check out my blog http://www.eatfeelfresh.com if you wanna know how to eat right

    Posted on Reply
  73. Whatever says:

    Idgaf if you hate me, as long as you think I’m thin

    Posted on Reply
  74. Molly says:

    In all honesty i thought I was the only fucked up betch who thought of this shit. I am guilty to some of those, at least for a little while. And while it’s pretty fucked up, its a reality. It’s obviously being slightly sarcastic too which gave me a real good laugh internally. Everyone knows its bad for you, but do we care? fuck no. Just wanna be skinny no matter what it takes. I may try that fro-yo shit though, sounds good.

    Posted on Reply
  75. Brunettebetchhhh says:

    Total seconds to the Dukan diet. I’m basically always on it now just depends on how much weight I need to lose at the moment (currently like 102921902109 pounds), and the Princess is my thinspo so it’s perf.

    Posted on Reply
  76. SugarfreeHazelnut says:

    This is a suppperrr old post…and although I don’t promote eating disorders, 2 things a betch can’t live without are Wishbone salad spritzers (each spritz is like, 1 calorie each and it just kind of tastes like watered down ranch or balsamic. Still really good) and arctic zero ice cream. 150 calories a PINT. amazingggg.

    Posted on Reply
  77. cherry says:

    idk, the reason i’m legitimately diagnosed anorexic (well, ednos/subclinical ‘cause i’m on birth control so i still get periods but whatthefuckever) but not offended by this is that you can diet and call yourself “ano” all you want but even if you eat in a way that society considers “anorexic” (because society doesn’t have a shell of a concept of what that means) you still don’t necessarily (and probably don’t) have an eating disorder. a HUGE part of having an eating disorder is hating yourself to death and distorting your body image. you can starve all the fuck you want and literally FEEL your jeans falling off your body and still see a linebacker in the mirror.
    just the fact that you said “we PROMISE you’ll see the results!!!” means that as an actual anorexic, i’m not offended, because we (anorexics) don’t. ever. look at isabelle caro. she felt fat. she died before she saw results. i’m not trying to be a downer or get all high-and-mighty like “my eating disorder is REAL, yours isn’t”—opposite, actually, i’m talking to girls like ms “debbie downer” (also wow, really? grow up and get the fuck out) and saying chill, there is NO reason to have a cow over this. i know i’m only one person, but again, real eating disorders are a COMPLETELY different thing from what these girls are talking about. girls who do this would collapse the second they felt the emotional onslaught of a real eating disorder, jusssst saying. believe me, it’s a lot easier for me to tell myself that i’m dieting like a boss betch (true ano/half a meal a day until they find out and lock me in rehab again) than to deal with all the shit i feel about myself, but most of you girls will never have to feel that in the first place. consider yourselves lucky and keep doing what you’re doing if it makes you happy. (no sarcasm)
    also, side note: adderall/vyvanse/concerta can and most likely will fuck you up for life whether you’re railing it or not. google “all my friends are dead” and “adderall” together. some of that happened to me. vyvanse (i didn’t rail it, it doesn’t do shit when you do that) made me forget food existed—my dream—and i still gave it up because i had a lot of the experiences that guy talks about.

    Posted on Reply
    • kennedyy says:

      i literally love this

      Posted on Reply
  78. Ya Betch says:

    But… Adderrall is like soo 2011. Get on that vyvanse, betches.

    Posted on Reply
  79. NymphOfCoffee says:

    not for everybody, but for many… it’s just the naked truth. what else to say!?!

    Posted on Reply
  80. anti betch says:

    adderall is so 2011? try so 2006. fucking amateurs

    Posted on Reply
  81. KarenWalkerOGBetch says:

    Does anyone fuck with Diet Pills? Recommendations or should I not even try it?

    Posted on Reply
  82. Your Name says:

    Is this meant to be serious? Are you trying to give real diet advice? I have an eating disorder and although i am not offended, this is kind of innapropriate..

    Posted on Reply
  83. Trueskinny says:

    Dont you all wish you weren’t genetically heading towards chubbiness? This was funny as shit. seriously almost spit my big-ass delish dinner on my comforter. You dipshits are ruining your bodies with all this bullshit. I don’t think about calories and weigh 98lbs. If your that worried dipshits then remember that your metabolism is your best friend. So stop killing your best friend.

    REAL DIET ADVICE.

    eat fucking six times a day. Yes six. but make five times a small snack like tomato slices, nuts, fruit, an egg ect. don’t count the calories you cuntnugget.
    Make breakfast the one big meal with a protein, some veggies and a CLEAN carb (oatmeal is bomb as fuck). BREAK THE FAST LOSERS.
    Then drink eight glasses of water a day.
    Drink all the fucking booze and take all your pills whateves.
    there. No exercise, no hard math and you turn your metabolism into a fucking Olympian. your burning cals while you text and it clears your skin up hella.
    true skinny doesn’t come from a crash diet you sluts.

    Posted on Reply
  84. fuck you says:

    are you guys retarded? this is satire; not meant to be taken seriously AT ALL. this article/entire site is making fun of its own idiot followers who are dumb enough to take it seriously. fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
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