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By The Betches on

As we’ve said before, betches are down to drink pretty much anything that gets us wasted. But on those occasions when you can't bear the thought of alcohol because you're hungover, it's your little sister's 6th birthday, or you just arrived at rehab, a betch will turn to the greatest soft drink of all time, Diet Coke.

Diet Coke is like water for betches. We’d permanently attach ourselves to a fucking IV drip of Diet Coke if we could get the medical clearance. What's our obsession with DC all about? Zero calories. Fucking duh.

Screw Diet Snapple and Crystal Light, not only will DC quench our thirst, it also makes us feel like we just ate a 10 course meal. Some say Gatorade is a thirst quencher. This girl is usually the fat goalie on the soccer team. Do you know how many calories are in GATORADE? Neither do we, but it's enough to be considered a meal in a bottle!

Since a betch has been drinking DC since her mother weaned her off breast milk, she won’t hesitate to tell you that next to vodka soda and Ex-Lax, Diet Coke is the most delicious #5 diet ever. If your #37 betchy mom wasn't forcing Diet Coke down your throat when you were 8, you should start sending her hate mail for turning you into a fucking fatty. Sure it took a while to get used to all that carbonation, but that’s why we call it Betches-in-fucking-Training.

diet coke can

Since betches won’t order anything but #31 wine at dinner, Diet Coke is the ultimate lunch beverage. DC pretty much goes with anything - sushi, salads, wraps, you name it. But every betch knows it's also completely acceptable, even strongly recommended, to order Diet Coke as your meal. In the event that you’re invited to lunch with a group of betches, beware. If the words regular Coke dare leave your mouth while ordering, be prepared for an hour of under-the-table #34 BBMs about how fat you are. You may think you’ll be able to salvage your reputation by ordering a salad...Wrong again, fatass. And if you're thinking of even touching the bread basket, just leave the table now, you’re in the wrong crowd.

In fact, there’s nothing that will irk a betch more than if she’s given a regular Coke instead of Diet. If the waitress has the audacity to bring you a regular soda, or even worse a DIET PEPSI, she just immediately snagged the number 1 spot on your #25 WYDEL. You won't be tipping her, so she might as well start spitting in your food now. (Wait, you aren't ordering any!) Betches won’t go anywhere near Pepsi. If our goal were to vom, we would have at least ordered some fucking cheese fries first.

Sidebar: What the fuck was the deal with Pepsi One? Besides the fact that it's PEPSI, who wants to drink soda with an entire calorie?

Let's not forget that there will always be some loser at the lunch table who thinks she's the Surgeon fucking General, and it's her duty to let you know that Diet Coke is made from toxic chemicals. If not getting cancer were on our agenda, our first step would probably be to stop baking our bodies in the sun like we're a bucket of KFC wings.

Drinking regular Coke, or any non-alcoholic beverage with calories is like casting Rumer Willis in a movie. It doesn't make any fucking sense. Everyone knows the greatest invention of all time was not the lightbulb or like, the Internet. Instead we are thankful for that magical day in 1982 when betches all over the world could rejoice that they had finally found their holy water. Diet Coke Forever.


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53 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    fuck diet coke, flavored seltzer is carbonated and fills you up. I drink that shit as soon as i get any instance of hunger.

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    Fuck Diet Pepsi, this post is so on point… LOL

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    coke zero…that is my life source

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    diet dr pepper for days betch

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    Pellegrino betch

    Cancer sugars are ew
    (although in high school, I had a diet coke IV)

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    Pellegrino with Crystal Light in it!!

    Less expensive…..Diet Ginger Ale.

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    100% spot on! Completely addicted to Diet Coke. Love everything on this site!!

    Next post – Chanel bags? (first one at 17… a betch’s fave accessory!!)

    Posted on Reply
  8. The Betches says:

    This post promotes eating disorders and truly unhealthy behaviors. Anorexia is the most deadly mental illness in this country, and your language is completely promoting disordered eating behavior. I assume you’re reading this and thinking youre next post will be “betches love eating disorders” but smart, intelligent, caring betches — as I assume you are —- you’d want to spend your life caring about the people you love, working on the things you want to work on, and being productive, happy people, then please consider your health!

    Posted on Reply
  9. The Betches says:

    This entire site is satire… it’s not supposed to be taken seriously.

    Posted on Reply
  10. The Betches says:

    Diet Coke bloats you and the fake sugar blocks your body from being able to lose weight…but other than that yeah, I get what you’re saying betches!

    Posted on Reply
  11. The Betches says:

    I been drinking D.C since i was in a kid and gave it to my kid wen she was growing up and she wont touch anything eles but D.C so yes i agree 100%

    Posted on Reply
  12. The Betches says:

    I’ve been drinking regular coke since I was 5 and am still probably skinnier than all you FUCKING betches..36-24-37, 5’4″ 114 lbs SUCKEEEEERRRRRRSSSSS

    Posted on Reply
    • Fatty says:

      5’4 and 114?  Fat Ass

      Posted on Reply
    • Lynsea says:

      Are u kidding me? I’m 32-26-33! Im 5’7” and 120. So who is thinner huh?

      Posted on Reply
  13. The Betches says:

    Coke Zero is the new Diet Coke. Or better yet, vary up your diet with Diet Coke for Breakfast and Coke Zero for lunch. See? Who says Betch’s can’t consume a varied diet?

    Posted on Reply
  14. The Betches says:

    working at a restaurant with pepsi products instead of coke was probably the worst thing to ever happen to me. diet pepsi is awful.

    Posted on Reply
  15. The Betches says:

    Fucking love this post. I always make a point to start every block of classes off with a DC. And I drink it with every meal–it makes me feel so full and I eat half as much as I would eat if I wasn’t drinking it. Diet Coke is a betch’s best friend.

    Posted on Reply
  16. Erika says:

    Diet Dr. Pepper is the best!

    Posted on Reply
  17. kayla says:

    your probs just a fat betch anyway

    Posted on Reply
  18. P.P says:

    fuck diet coke… one should drink diet coke with a splash of rum or whiskey… a real betch and suck it up

    Posted on Reply
  19. Julianna Denic says:

    obsessed w this post. all of it is SO TRUE. nothing pisses me off more than when a waitress gives me a regular coke instead of a DC. and diet pepsi blows.

    Posted on Reply
  20. Julianna says:

    hahahaa i hate bad spellers

    Posted on Reply
  21. Skinny Betch says:

    Vodka + DC + Lime is called a “Skinny Bitch”
    but betches like us call it a “Skinny Betch” obvy

    Posted on Reply
  22. #urdumb says:

    thats not even skinny….......

    Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    Those numbers are average, betch.
    And wow regular Coke? Pat on the back. Carbs are my best friend, but 5’3 95lbs. It’s called working out, yoga, and not touching regular pop with a 10 foot stick.

    Posted on Reply
  24. Anonymous says:

    at 5’4 you should refuse to hit triple digits. i’d say probably try loosing 20 pounds then maybe you’d be skinny

    Posted on Reply
  25. Sarahanne says:

    114 at 5’4 is something to brag about? Sorry, wasn’t aware. And that is why “you can’t sit with us!” (That and your regular coke).

    Posted on Reply
  26. chem betch says:

    Hey betches, just so you know… the aspatame in d.c breaks down into formaldehyde, which in turn poisons your body and will make you go blind.
    I stick with Seltzer alll day, splash of Pom. Good to go.

    Posted on Reply
  27. shithead dave says:

    courtney. you are the one retard that fell for ‘coke zero’. its the same thing as diet coke you stupid, stupid girl. and as a matter of fact, any girl that thinks this site is entertaining or funny, and lives their life like a “betch” is a fucking moron who’s going to end up lonely and friendless later on in life. this website encourages girls to be superficial, shallow, talentless, boring and obnoxious in general. fuck off ladies.

    Posted on Reply
  28. senseofhumor says:

    if you got your head out of your ass then you would realize that this website is actually a joke.. and if you hate this website so much then why would you waste your time on it.

    Posted on Reply
  29. cassiie says:

    ...*aspaRtame. Learn to spell before you try and take someone’s comment down.

    Posted on Reply
  30. Anonymous says:


    Posted on Reply
  31. Anonymous says:

    betches gonna hate

    Posted on Reply
  32. janine says:


    Posted on Reply
  33. sixpak says:

    i like this article cuz it encourages you ladies to be rails. fatties don’t get fucked let alone married (or to anything worth noting), get acquainted with ur finger and make out with it. hahaha being a guy is siiiik.

    Posted on Reply
  34. Anonymous says:

    Diet coke is NOT going to make you go blind you idiot. Where do you get this crap anyway, the fat girl website?

    Posted on Reply
  35. BayAreaBetch says:

    True betches know that nothing tastes better than being skinny. Therefore, an option of Diet vs regular shouldn’t even be an option. Needless to say, nothing goes better with Adderall than a Diet fucking Coke… and if you can’t agree, then obvs you’ve never taken adderall- meaning you aren’t efficient at anything. The ONE exception I have when it comes to choosing a Coke product: I prefer the one with zero cals/carbs/toxins/aspartame/younameit that goes in your nose, and not your stomach.

    ex oh,
    your true betch

    Posted on Reply
  36. A Real Bitch says:

    This is pathetic to read.  I don’t care if you say it is a joke; there are clearly girls on here who take this seriously.  I know I can’t change any of your minds, so I won’t try.  Please, consume all the diet coke you want.  And don’t eat either.  You are all fat ugly whores.  There is no place in the world for you.  Enjoy your shallow meaningless lives, alone.  Your makeup makes you look like clowns, and the orange spray tan isn’t fooling anyone.  Do us all a favor and kill yourselves smile

    Posted on Reply
  37. Anonymous says:

    Your comment might be worse than any other on this website. If you hate it so much, STOP READING IT. You are obviously obsessed with the drama. Way to go wishing death on people…this is even more inhumane than any of the other comments made on this website. Imagine there was a mass suicide completion??? Whose face would be shown as the ignorant ass who was blamed for encouraging human beings to kill themselves over a website that the person was obviously too intrigued by to stop reading it??? If you are so adamant about disliking this category of female, THEN GET OFF OF THE WEBSITE. You are making yourself in to a joke when you are the one who is outnumbered here. I have never spray tanned in my life, but read this website for laughs. For you to wish suicide on people amazes me. Happy Holidays, right?

    Posted on Reply
  38. Blair says:

    Orange tans & clown make up are only for poor fat asses who can’t afford St. Tropez and Sephora make up. The betches you saw were wannabes. However, GOOD WORK on the betch’s rule of using emoticons - the mean smiley face after saying something deliciously snotty. You’re one of us after all, you fucking hypocrite. grin

    Posted on Reply
  39. Kkay says:

    Yeah, I’m 5’9” and weigh 114.  She can’t sit with us.

    Posted on Reply
  40. Elizabetch says:

    Ice water with lemon and a caffeine tablet wink

    Posted on Reply
  41. fuckyou says:

    “your true betch”, then why are you in the ugly sorority at smu katie?

    Posted on Reply
  42. Texan betch says:

    Fucking duh. They should change this post to include Diet Dr. Pepper as a staple to a betch’s diet. Why have a cookie when you could reach for a super sweet yet zero calorie drink? It’s so sweet that it almost makes you wanna hurl (ie: double win).

    Posted on Reply
  43. RegularCokeis4fatties says:

    Sitting at a family function hogging a whole liter of DC. And found baby me literally hugging a 36 pack of Diet coke. Mom and daddy raised me right. If anyone orders regular coke I will judge them. It tastes like breakfast syrup in liquid form. Vom. And life advice NEVER DRiNK your calories unless they are your meal (starbucks skinny lattes).

    Posted on Reply
  44. Anonymous says:

    carcinogens over calories betch

    Posted on Reply
  45. Anon says:

    Diet coke actually makes your fatter than regular. Awks mcgacs much but true.

    Posted on Reply
  46. Lisa says:

    C’mon its either coke zero or mio and vodka.  and if you dont know what mio is your a dumb bitch.

    Posted on Reply
  47. anonbetch22 says:

    To the Surgeon fucking General Betch: While Diet Coke may be carcinogenic, it is only slightly. So basically it is like every other thing in existence in America. And if that Diet Coke were replaced with Non-Diet Coke, then the health risks of being obese would be much more significant than the cancer risks form artificial sweetener.

    To answer your question… Gatorade has 50 cal./ 8 oz. if you get the original kind. The only people who really benefit from the electrolytes in sports drinks are people like marathon runners.

    On a side note: For some reason I feel like Pepsi and Diet Pepsi is for poor people. This has no logical reasoning behind it, for some reason I feel like the only people who prefer fucking Pepsi is poor people.

    Posted on Reply
  48. Orly says:

    Everything about your ‘philosophy ’ of living reeks of ignorance, small mindedness and American style entitlement. The empty headed ‘betches’ who subscribe to your brand of bullshit are the current and perhaps next generation of women who perpetuate the stereotype that America is the most undereducated and entitled nation of people on the planet. The average taxi driver in Asia or Europe has more knowledge and class than the authors of this book or anyone reading it. How pathetic that this crap is marketed to the younger generations as the ‘bible ’ on living.

    Posted on Reply
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