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By The Betches on

Dear Betch,

So I have been on and off with this guy for a few months now, and I was with him for a whole year before that. In between we both hooked up with other people but he did some stuff that really hurt me and was really hard for me to drop.

The most recent time we were together I would spend half my days loving him and half being so upset and still hurt. I feel like I know I love him and he did sincerely apologize many times so I think I could be over what he did. I feel like I should get over him but what if I don't want to? I so don't know what to do. Is it better to just wait it out and find someone new, or go back to someone I know I still love?

Sincerely,
desperate and confused

Dear Desperate and Confused,

We've all been in a spot where we can't stop a cycle of being with someone who isn't right for us merely because they're comfortable and we've been with them for what seems like forever. However, by staying in this comfort zone you're merely postponing the inevitable. This guy used to be your boyfriend and now he's essentially your non-exclusive friend with benefits. Why revert to an earlier stage of your relationship. It's called a break-up because it's fucking broken. See the ex-boyfriend life cycle for more info on this stage.

The best thing to do here is to remove yourself from the situation and work on yourself. Distract yourself by working out or getting a new hobby, not looking for someone else to immediately latch on to. Only when you concentrate on having fun without a guy will you truly be appealing to the bros in your life. You should think of yourself as your favorite person to hang out with and only be in relationships with guys who you feel bring out an even better part of you, not make you feel miserable and insecure. Move on. This relationship seems past its prime, drawn out, and boring.

Sincerely,

The Betches


Dear Betch,

My friend and her boyfriend had been dating for a little under 2 years.  Recently they broke up, but it was more of a Rachel/ Ross situation where "they were on a break".  The night of this breakup one of our closest friends proceeded to go to the bar and pursue him.  He claims that while at the bar she basically shoved cheap drinks down his throat until he was blackout enough to sleep with her.  Either way, they hooked up.  After the initial hookup, they may or may not have hooked up several more times, these details are still slightly blurry.  The real kicker in this situation is how our friend acted after the initial hooked up.

Ever since this all went down we have been searching for the most appropriate form of revenge for both parties involved.  We don't want to hurt the girl, but something needs to be done.  This has become a pattern with this girl and it took until this situation for us to realize it.

Sincerely,

Betches in Search of Revenge


Dear Betches in Search of Revenge,

Now we're all in favor of getting revenge on a backstabbing frenemy but let's not delude ourselves here. This guy was clearly bullshitting your friend when he said she "shoved cheap drinks down his throat until he was blackout enough to sleep with her." Guys who blackout and fuck a girl they regret having sex with certainly don't continue hooking up with them. That's just some shit they pull because they're too big of a pussy to tell their sort-of-ex the truth. As for the guy, a la Ross Geller they were on a break so he technically didn't do anything really wrong although hooking up with a friend of his ex is in poor form and was probably done on some level to annoy her.

Regardless, the best way your friend should deal with this is to just ignore him. It will drive him crazy, and depending on his level of groveling she may or may not begin speaking to him again assuming that he totally cuts out the backstabbing bitch. In terms of the backstabbing friend, best to not only cut her out but also publicly show her how cool it is to fuck with one of your besties. This can be done by 'accidentally' pouring a drink on her head, discreetly spreading a rumor that she has genital herpes, and/or hooking up with a guy you know she likes. If the enemies of your friends are your enemies too then this girl has just ignited an army. Best to show your bestie your loyalty by making this girl rue the day she fucked with someone else's guy instead of getting her own.

Remember, revenge is a dish served both cold and subtly, so make sure to keep all your efforts discreet and seemingly silent. A true betch makes no rash, loud, public moves. She instead fucks up an arch nemesis' life in a subtle, relatively classy psychotic way.

Sincerely,

The Betches

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4 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. dc_and_mj says:

    “A true betch makes no rash, loud, public moves. She instead fucks up an arch nemesis’ life in a subtle, relatively classy psychotic way.”

    so perfect. also, revenge is best in oversized sunglasses that fully disguise your identity. mine are labeled exclusively for scheming/hangovers

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  2. Dimes says:

    First girl, second paragraph are some words to live by. Solid advice

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  3. notoriouscathy says:

    First girl, obvi you should be working on yourself if you aren’t already the ultimate form of you, which a real betch is, but consider the alternatives. Yeah, work on hobbies or goals or whatever the fuck you want to do that defines you, but don’t deprive yourself of the fun of a fuck-around in the meantime. A good consistent fuck is hard to find, and if you have the ability to remove your feelings from the dick, do it and you won’t be sorry. You can still be doing your thing one hundred percent of the time, just don’t forget to have fun while you do it.

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