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By The Betches on

Dear Betches,

I'm not ashamed to say I am a total JAB. I refuse to leave the house without my Burberry coat and beloved David Yurman ring. It's not my clothes I'm here to talk about because clearly I know good style looks like.  I'm here to talk about my problem with a pro. I go to a big ten college with one of my family friends from home.  It's no secret that I have been crushing on him since our family's Hannukah dinners back in 3rd grade. 

I continue to get mixed signals from him.  He will ask me to sleep over (as friends?...no thanks I need my ahava face lotion before bed or my face will go dry) or invite me to his frat's parties but it has been a year and a half and we have yet to hook up. He's a great catch, a pro with everything a betch could ever want.  Why does he continue to send me such mixed signals? Its clearly not because of my impeccable style or because I'm poor (ew). So what's a betch to do?

Sincerely,

Jabby and crabby

Dear Jabby and Crabby,

First of all, stop bragging about all the nice shit you own. In addition to being TTH it's really tacky and on par with instagramming pictures of expensive gifts you got for Christmas – no one gives a shit. Secondly, you seem to use this 'good style' and the fact that your dad has a lot of money to justify your worth in the dating world. Both are things that while great to have, most guys don’t give a shit about when it comes to wanting to date you. What they do care about is that the girl is hot and has a good personality, neither of which you mention so I'll assume you don't possess either of these qualities.

This guy is not that into to you. He's sending you mixed signals like offering to let you sleep at his place and inviting you to frat parties precisely because you are family friends and to be mean to you or not friendly would be an affront to his parents who clearly enjoy hanging out with your parents. As most Jewish mothers do, his mother probably tells him to "be nice to that sweet Jewish girl. Invite her over! Maybe she'll bring latkes!" Burning bridges with you by being rude or not inviting you to shit would make the next Passover seder a nightmare for him so that takes care of your mixed signal issues. My advice is to start priding yourself on shit that actually matters and stop thinking that the David Yurman ring your dad bought you makes you better than anyone.

Sincerely,

The Betches


Dear Betch,

First of all, let me say that I don't consider myself a betch in all senses of the word. I'm hot, desirable, and have good style, but I have this unfortunate nicegirl streak that just does not work with my aforementioned qualities and can sometimes lead me into trouble.

Last year, a BSCB reached out to me and tried to be my friend. Actually, BSCB is an understatement. She's extremely hot, rich, smart, etc., but she slept with half of our school's athletes by October of freshman year, and has literally no boundaries when it comes to revenge. For example, earlier this year, she got mad at a girl, so she stole some of her clothes and
burned them. She's a pathological liar, psychologically unstable, and refuses to get help for herself.

However, my stupid inner-nicegirl decided that she just needed a friend, and so I would agree to hang out with her. But I don't enjoy her company whatsoever, I don't want people associating me with her, and I'm tired of fearing for both of our safety when we go out. How do I drop her without her going apeshit on me?

xoxo,

Scared Nicegirl

Dear Scared Nicegirl,

It seems you've landed yourself the role of silent lackey for the BSCB of the century. While this can be scary, it's important to look at the textbook answer for dealing with BSCB, which involves distancing yourself from her while at the same time not leaving her hating you and wanting to destroy your life.

First, start of suggesting really nicely that her behavior makes you uncomfortable and a little scared. This might help knock some sense into her but it most likely won't since BSCB's are also inherently narcissistic she'll probably just think you're jealous because she's pretty and 'gets more guys than you'. Whatever you do, don't give her any reason to legitimately hate you and always let her know that you're 'there for her' and 'want what's best for her' while subtly and casually distancing yourself from her. If you do it abruptly you'll be on her shit list and no one wants to deal with a psychopath on their ass, trying to fuck with them. Hopefully if you do this casually enough, it will give her time to find a new side kick and you can gradually start hanging out with other people more often.

Good luck and remember that if her behavior starts getting all Jennifer's Body on you, it's time to seek out professionals.

Sincerely,

The Betches

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7 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. KC says:

    The first girl is so incredibly annoying.

    Posted on Reply
  2. HAHA says:

    Great response to the first girl.  People who actually have money don’t feel the need to flaunt it in everyone else’s faces…duh.  So tacky.

    Posted on Reply
  3. J says:

    Scared Nicegirl!
    Start suggesting lame nicegirl shit to do and she’ll casually drop you. Just complain about your life to her, get all emotional and cry in front of her and she’ll prob never want to see you again. If she’s as egotistical as you say it’s not like she’s going to try to be there for you. When you want to dump someone there’s usually a way to get them to do it for you.

    Posted on Reply
  4. stop says:

    Why does every “dear betch” start with a disclaimer that the girl in question is without a doubt a “betch”? STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. At least these girls had the sense to tone it down on the hashtags

    Posted on Reply
  5. Super Betch says:

    Betch needs to be sent to a nice little place with some curly wire and smoky stacks. All these betches probs would be solved if they merely strapped themselves to the nearest streetlamp, bent over, and said “greetings, frustrated anonymous erection!”

    Posted on Reply
  6. Super Betch says:

    Gargle his balls and Moses will accompany you through the autumn of your years.

    Posted on Reply
  7. betchlife says:

    the respons to the first letter is perfect

    Posted on Reply
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