By The Betches on

We know, we're not morons, the Hamptons isn't a city. That's exactly what we fucking love about it. We also get that it's a New York thing and while we clearly love that too, that's not what makes the Hamptons the betch epicenter that it is.

If the lure of the Hamptons continues to elude you, we'll keep it simple.

 

hamptonsThe Hamptons: More pink than Victoria's Secret, PINK.

 

Take a small percentage of betches and bros from the NYC scene out to the East End of Long Island for the weekend and you have a whole new level of exclusivity. As Heidi Klum would say, you're either in...

You won't find any huge losers or poor people in the Hamptons because they wouldn't be there in the first place. It's expensive and a major hassle to get to, so if you don't have a house there you better hope your friend who does likes you enough to invite you.

Weekends in the Hamptons are like spending two full days in betchy bliss. You're granted the luxury of doing nothing while celeb-spotting at Main Beach, (not) eating delicious foods prepared by the help, and going out #20 clubbing with people who are just all around better.

It's not like a regular city where any slut with a low-cut shirt and minimal game can walk in on a table. You either know people and you'll get in or you'll look like a douchebag trying. No one stands outside clawing at the bouncer like they're a fucking college freshman on Thanksgiving Eve in NYC.

Other than town-specific stereotypes, the hierarchy in the Hamptons subtly hinges on how you're transported there. The poorest way is the train, then the Jitney. So the question is, are you going to sit in Friday LIE traffic or rot away on public transportation that makes 25 fucking stops in every stupid ass town out there?

Or did you hop on the family jet at Teterboro and park it at East Hampton airport?

For the true Hamptonians out there, let's go by town:

Westhampton/Quogue: We love the easy access to these towns but need to state the obvious. People from East and South love to rant about how these towns aren't really the Hamptons, which is funny because that's exactly what Westhampton people say about Quogue. How many times do you have to see the entire world at Baby Moon before you decide to stop eating there?

Southampton: This is where everything converges. The town is packed with great stores and lots of aspiring housewives trying to be seen eating lunch at the Golden Pear (News flash: the paparazzi aren't in the Hamptons to photograph you). Lots of old money here, and this is where most of the clubs are - South Pointe, Dune, and Nello for baby betches.

Bridgehampton/Water Mill/Sagaponack: These towns are basically just a bunch of boring antique shops. We hear they sell Blackberries now. We like that Jerry Seinfeld lives here.

 

real housewivesBringing together housewives from all over.

 

Sag Harbor: A bunch of artsy hippie fuckers.

East Hampton: EH is the trendiest Hampton. There are amazing places to shop, and then you have the restaurant franchises like Serafina, Nick and Toni's and The Palm to remind NYC residents that they're only a short heli ride away from their winter abode.

Amagansett: Cyril's for 5 o'clock drinks. Lunch Lobster Roll, for the obvious. Stephen Talkhouse to wait in line for listen to a musician you've never heard of and drink with people who belong in Nantucket.

Montauk: You know those fugly bumper stickers that say "The End"? These refer to Montauk, but putting one of these on your car sort of negates the status of living there. If you're trying to hang out with surfer bros and cool musicians, hit up Surf Lodge and play a Bethenny card when you claim to be "over the scene."

So betches, the Hamptons are really our shit in every way possible. Oh and it's definitely a prime location to find #62 Pros; they'll be out there if they're on their game. They're somewhere between the douchey city kids and the East Village hipsters but shouldn't be hard to spot if you're a true betch. After the long, hard work week, we love the privacy and relaxation of the Hamptons during the day and the exclusivity of the clubs at night.

And if you're jealous that you can't make your way out there, making fun of those who go isn't exactly your ticket to lampin' in the Hamps, no matter how fucking toolish it sounds when they brag that their dad's cousin's friend's dad owns Lily Pond SL East.

 

 

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58 Comments TALK SHIT!
  1. The Betches says:

    sagaponack? let’s not forget the most expensive village zip code in the us…tanning on sagg main with a giant iced coffee and matching shades next to celebrities? come on now betches

    Posted on Reply
  2. The Betches says:

    MARTHAS VINEYARD > HAMPTONS

    Posted on Reply
  3. The Betches says:

    Ok the Hamptons are the SHIT but i think you could have shown that a little more. coming from a betch who has a summer house in the hamps, post is kinda lacking.

    Posted on Reply
  4. The Betches says:

    Couldn’t agree more, this article seriously doesn’t do the Hamptons justice. I hate to say it but you betches need to step up your game on your geography posts.

    Posted on Reply
  5. The Betches says:

    How did The Hamptons make it on here before Miami did? Betches love to party in Miami

    Posted on Reply
  6. The Betches says:

    You kidding me PartyBetch? Why would the Hamptons, the largest culmination of wealth in a single area, be below Miami, one of the dirtiest, trashiest, and full of poor people that don’t speak English?

    Posted on Reply
  7. The Betches says:

    You obviously don’t hang out in the right places in Miami. Sucks to suck

    Posted on Reply
  8. The Betches says:

    this post is a perfect example of why whoever writes this and whoever takes them seriously don’t know a fucking thing.

    1. westhampton and quogue are the exits passed on montauk highway before getting to the hamptons

    2. no talk about polo? a lack of understanding of the fact that clubs are shit and house parties are where people who actually belong can be found?

    enjoy your sharehouse!

    Posted on Reply
    • born in sh says:

      Ok your an idiot because there is no exits on Montauk highway !

      Posted on Reply
  9. The Betches says:

    you girls have no idea what you are talking about. South Hampton? Old money..?! More like nouveau riche. Thats where the Jewish flock with their fake glitterati sunglasses. Next time you want to write an article about a place where you have to upload pictures of Kourtney Kardashian and the trashy housewives, do your self a favor and save your breath. This is article is 100% inaccurate. you just googled a couple of stores and restaurants around the area and bullshitted the rest. did you “betches” just rent your first share house? do us all a favor and stick to what you know.

    Posted on Reply
    • agreed says:

      Sag Harbor hasn’t been “hippies” for like a decade at least (and uh less like hippies, more like rich “free-spirit” types…) it’s like the trendiest hampton atm. Have you actually uh ever been out here or are you just relying on what you read in the gossip pages of ok magazine

      Posted on Reply
    • anon says:

      Southampton has one “h”. You must just be visiting.

      Posted on Reply
  10. The Betches says:

    Us Hamptonites would never call ourselves Hamptonians.

    Posted on Reply
  11. John John says:

    You idiots, Seinfeld lives in EH DUUHHH

    Posted on Reply
  12. Anonymous says:

    except for the fact that everyone who ACTUALLY lives out here year-round HATE THE SUMMER CROWD and the fact that everyone thinks of our hometown as some tacky luxury town. fuck people who summer in the hamptons

    Posted on Reply
  13. Anonymous says:

    If you live there year round then your totally not a betch… How embarrassing. Hamptons is only good for escaping the city and relaxing between real life. Also south hamptons is the place to be and water mill has the best beach. Only a true betch would know that. Get your shit together please! I’ll let you stay at my house if you promise to write a legit article on the hamptons. Sucks for you

    Posted on Reply
  14. anonymous says:

    Although I do love the Hamptons and agree with a number of the points you’ve made here, there are a few points that are seriously lacking.

    1. It’s called Nello’s, and although this can be for baby betches, most nights its not.
    2. Jerry Seinfeld lives in EH, which is absolutely the “betchiest” Hampton.
    3. Sagg Main, Main, and Atlantic are among the most amazing beaches in the world and def deserve some more credit/appreciation in your post.
    4. Saturday polo matches are all the rave in the Hamptons and everyone who’s anyone comes out to watch the sexy polo players and casually day drink.
    5. Georgica is def on the same level as Dune and SL when it comes to clubs in the Hamptons.

    Clearly the real betches of the Hamptons know all of these things, but I figured I would clarify for those who will never have to chance to experience the true betchiness the Hamptons has to offer.

    Posted on Reply
  15. Ara says:

    Really, how cliche? It’s like summer camp for D-list betches. Summer somewhere better like Monaco. Or go with your favorite Austrian pro to his lake house near Salzburg. Ugh, now I miss summer.

    Posted on Reply
  16. atvb says:

    You’re forgetting a local favorite who could be classified as betchiest of the opposite sex - Alec Baldwin - who can always be found twit picking pictures of hamptons sunsets from his yacht.
    Oh and the biggest betch of them all - Ina Garten, the fucking Barefoot Contessa, putting bitches in their place from her East Hampton home.

    Just keeping it classy

    Posted on Reply
  17. pussybitch says:

    people who live in the hamptons all year round are what one would call townies, or the poor people that rob the summer houses when they are empty at all times other then summer

    should be a clear cut distinction between the two

    Posted on Reply
    • Bonac says:

      Excuse me?????? You need to re-evaluate your life darling. Us “poor folk” are the reason you get your coffee in the morning or excuse me Non-fat vanilla latte. It’s people like you that ruin our town. Remember that this is home to a lot of amazing people. There is no need to come here and act like you are so much better than us just because you have more money.

      Posted on Reply
  18. Anonymous says:

    Its Southampton… #poser

    Posted on Reply
  19. Anonymous says:

    its Southampton… fucking duh.

    Posted on Reply
  20. blondebetch says:

    omg sunny, so glad you pointed out Hampton Bays was missing! This betch lives there and it’s by far the greatest…fab bars & beaches

    Posted on Reply
  21. anon says:

    to the dumbass above me, townies are not people who live there year round. townies are people who lurk around the towns of the hamptons everyday for fun. the people who live there year round are common people. the people who vacation in the summer coming out there thinking they own the fucking world are citiots. if half of you idiots are gonna act like you know anything about the hamptons you should really try a lot harder.

    Posted on Reply
  22. EH Local says:

    Shut the fuck up about the hamptons. ever stop to think about people who actually LIVE THERE YEAR ROUND. yeah they exist. And we dont want your fugly new york city asses in our town. If NYC is so fucking great then fucking stay there. and dont give me that shit about tourism supporting the economy in the Hamptons, that STILL doesnt give you the right to clog up our streets with your 30000 dollar cars that you cant drive, and our beaches with your half assed volleyball games and umbrellas.
    oh. and NO ONE looks good walking on the beach in flipflops.

    Posted on Reply
    • summerer says:

      yeah but see we don’t want to have to look at you in your walmart outfits while we’re trying to enjoy our summer

      Posted on Reply
      • Bonac says:

        You must live a sad and lonely life. Just because we may not have as much money as you do or you pretend you do, doesn’t mean we are any less of people. This is why all us locals HATE you snotty, rude, obnoxious city people. Maybe next time I won’t be so nice and let you cut ahead of me in traffic when you are just going to the beach and I am trying to rush back to work. Or maybe I won’t give you directions because you have no clue where the fuck you are going. That food that you ordered ever so rudely, maybe I will just roll your eggs around in a bunch of grease next time and hope that your face breaks out so bad you have to run home to mommy and daddy in the city and cry. We are people too, not your servants. Treat people with respect. It gets you a lot farther than Daddy’s money will. smile

        Posted on Reply
    • Bonac says:

      Thank You!!!!!!!! Love it

      Posted on Reply
  23. Anonymous says:

    SHOOBS-if you don’t know-now you know.

    Posted on Reply
  24. BetterBetch says:

    Attention all silly city girls of the aforementioned post,
    City Betches who come to East Hampton are laughed at because they are all pathetic daddies little girls who will amount to nothing, but the coke whores they really are. Please stay in Southampton and far away from Montauk, but if you ever do find yourself in Montauk stay at the Surf Lodge where you can surf the lake.

    Posted on Reply
  25. Hamps girl says:

    Anyone can go to Miami- Hamps are exclusive.

    Posted on Reply
  26. Anonymous says:

    Although betches go abroad in the summer with their besties who doesn’t love a european shopping adventure or spending a week on a yacht on the coute d’azur.  Everyone has to come home and when you are home everyone with a decent trust fund is in the hamptons I have a house in east its like the betchyest thing ever who doesnt love hot polo players? and its def A-list all teh way

    Posted on Reply
  27. Jacks says:

    I just stumbled on this site. It’s cute. But as a native Manhattanite who owns a home in East Hampton and someone who’s been hanging out there since high school, I have to point a few things out.
    1) A commenter above made a terrific point about Hamptons clubs. While they are somewhat exclusive, the really exclusive scene is going to a private home for a party. (or having a party at your own home, of course - and not a share-home, if I even need to mention that.)
    2) West Hampton and Quogue are definitely not even on anyone’s map. Very gauche.
    3) I can assure you that if you ever saw a Kardashian at any Hamptons or Manhattan locale, she/he paid a HUGE amount of money to be allowed in. New Yorkers wouldn’t be caught dead standing within 10 yards of them.
    4) And for the absurd commenter who said Miami is exclusive. Have fun hanging out with the Kardashians, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. Miami…Las Vegas…NYC’s Meatpacking District…all faux exclusivity.
    That concludes your lesson for today. grin

    Posted on Reply
  28. e. says:

    Maidstone?  Let’s not forget about the best.

    Posted on Reply
  29. Matt says:

    No Shelter Island mention? Guess we’re too exclusive for you

    Posted on Reply
    • Sarah says:

      Shelter Island is mostly inbreed anyway.

      Posted on Reply
  30. -- says:

    THIS IS SO NOT TRUE. this is the most idiotic thing i’ve ever read. like fuck. no. locals rule and all you city people suck.

    Posted on Reply
  31. Sarah says:

    Wow. As a local I’m actually offended by this post.

    Posted on Reply
  32. East Hampton Local says:

    this is so stupid! no one wants those snobby rich people from the city here! they are so obnoxious and rude. they need to respect the people who live here and call it home. just because they have all there damn money doesnt mean they own the hamptons.

    Posted on Reply
  33. BHLocal says:

    Thank you for posting where all us locals like to enjoy our days at the beach and nights out on the town.  Now we all just have to deal with a bunch of citidiots who we all despise. Please people, if you are going to spend over 100,000 dollars on a car at least know how to drive.  You ‘betches’ from the city are the ones that cause all bullshit we locals have to put up with. So enjoy your parking tickets and sitting in traffic for over an hour and a half trying to make it from East Hampton to Southampton while we all fly by on the back roads y’all will never know about. We will also all be the assholes who smoke you out on the roads in diesel trucks if you fuck with us.

    Enjoy your summer in the Hamptons this year Betches. Remember not to piss off us “poor” locals.

    Posted on Reply
  34. Local. says:

    This is the fucking retarded. Whoever wrote this is a fucking moron.

    Posted on Reply
  35. Brooke Burnside says:

    I’ll post my name because I’m not hiding behind an anonymous name to voice my opinion.  I have lived in the Hamptons my entire life, it is my home and it is a place that all of us locals treasure and respect. A majority of the people who migrate to the Hamptons from NYC are rude, stuck-up, impatient snobs.  You all cause nothing but chaos in OUR HOMETOWNS and for the most part us locals despise you. 

    This is the most ill written article about the Hamptons I have ever seen. Calling Southampton old money is just false. There is old money all over the Hamptons. Bridgehampton, Watermill, and Wainscott all have very good restaurants as do Southampton, East Hampton, Amagansett, and Montauk. Suki Zuki, Bobby Vans, World Pie, and Pierre’s to name a few. The polo matches are also hosted in Bridgehampton. Saying that Sag Harbor is home to ‘artsy hippie fuckers’ is simply inaccurate. There are good restaurants there too by the way. Such as LT Burger, Sen, Expressos, The American Hotel. I suppose you would have actually had to visit the Hamptons to know these places.  The amount of money you have in your bank accounts does not automatically earn our respect. So enjoy your ‘heli’ rides and well enjoy fucking with pompous assholes.

    Oh, and most of us know many of the musicians that play at The Stephan Talkhouse so to refer to them as musicians nobody knows is offensive to say the least.  Congratulations on writing the most unintelligent article about the Hamptons I have ever read in my entire life.

    Posted on Reply
    • Your Name says:

      I love this ^^^. When I lived there, I realized there is a huge distinction between locals (people who live year round), and the shit that comes from NYC on the weekends. The locals are friendly (by NY standards) and are down to earth. Whereas the goons who come from NYC vacation on the weekend are the ones who are using the Hamptons as a platform to show off their $160,000 Ferrari, being disrespectful to everyone around them, and having a major attitude.

      Posted on Reply
  36. Hampton Home Girl says:

    Your blog is redik! None of you know shyt about the “HAMP” as u losers call it.
    I am born and raised in Southampton and its all you wanna be Hamptonites that
    bring you shitty attitudes like your hot shit and expect to be serviced asap that give
    real hamptonites a bad rep. And just so you know real Hamptonites don’t pay summer prices ever,
    nor do we get turned away anywhere at any season. Also you should know there are people here whom are living below the poverty level even in the Hamptons, but you wouldn’t know that if you plan on turning yourself into leather as you sip on you iced coffee on Sagg Main.
    Do some reserch befor you try to act like you know the Hamptons.
    This Hamptons Betch thinks your claim to fame is a tragedy!

    Posted on Reply
  37. "poor local' says:

    you people do not understand the first thing about the “hamptons”.
    1. people who actually LIVE year round, which we do. DO NOT refer to the hamptons as the hamptons…..
    2. i’d say that you might spot a celeb on main beach, but you probably wont be able to see anyone through the obnoxious crowds of city “betches” in sun hats and flip flops, watching their nannies chase their kids around. no locals go to main beach, except in january for the polar bear plunge.
    3. if someone asks where you’re from, don’t say you live in the hamptons, because you’re only there for memorial day to labor day, when every local is hiding from you
    4. this summer when i you assholes come here, good fucking luck dealing with all of us poor and unfortunate locals, who can say we live in the most beautiful towns year round.

    Posted on Reply
  38. EH Local says:

    This is the stupidest thing I’ve ever read in my whole life. If you haven’t noticed, every single local hates you citiots. No one fucking likes you because you clog up our city, ruin our beautiful beaches, and act like the snobby fucks that you are. Ever wonder why you see that “fugly” locals only sticker on bumpers? It’s because we all fucking hate you faggot city people and we want to keep our towns the way they are, with locals only. I can guarantee any local will agree with me 100%

    Posted on Reply
  39. Brooke Bennett says:

    Oh and an FYI to all you “betches” those poor people you are talking about, stop and think for a minute. Because those are the people who drive your drunk ass home in the cab, those are the people that stop everything they are doing when that pager goes off and rush to the scene of the accident you just had because you can’t drive those fancy cars you like, those are the lifeguards that protect you while you swim at those beautiful beaches we have, those are the police dispatchers that take all your idiotic calls that you make because someone stole your cab or maybe the more serious ones because your child that you don’t watch fell in the pool, those are the police officers or the TCO officers that sit there in the sun at your fancy events to make sure people crossing the road are safe, those are the ambulance drivers that if not for them you may not make it to the hospital fast enough. Think the next time you look at someone differently just because they may not have much money. We stop our lives for all of you in the summer, and we don’t think about how much money you have when we are saving your lives.

    Posted on Reply
  40. Local says:

    Us “poor people” are the ones who give business to the stores and restaurants during the off season. Without us they wouldn’t exist since you only come out for the summer months.  You wouldn’t be able to come to the hamptons without us. The locals are tired of all you snobby bitches who live off your daddy’s money. Creating traffic on montauk highway and county road and everywhere else. Thank god we know the back roads. Oh and can’t forget the beaches. I can’t even go to the beaches cause of you but thank god you citiots don’t go to beaches that aren’t run by Southampton town

    Posted on Reply
  41. bye says:

    No mention of Maidstone? Maidstone is the betchiest of all country clubs and it is what gives East Hampton its betchiness. Southampton is not old money, East Hampton is. Anyone who actually has a summer house in East Hampton knows that Southampton is a pain to get to and is too big to be exclusive. It is where people rent homes in The Hamptons. Renting not owning your beach house: tacky.

    Posted on Reply
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