Dear Proud Members of The Dad Body Community,
I can assure you that self-confidence is something I truly value. I practically bathe in the stuff. But your outlandish announcements that the “dad body” is a new and happening trend, a look that chicks are literally eating up, is truly quite offensive.
All the trend really does is capitalize on the fact that twenty-something bros are too lazy to get off the fucking couch and lose weight. Gone are the days where betches had to worry about their main hookup posting a photo of them flexing on Instagram, because now all bros seem to know how to do is chug beer and brag to their other bros how good their stomach overflow looks in their button-down Hawaiian shirt.
Newsflash, dad bodies: your newly sprouted chest hair does not, and never will, replace a six-pack. Despite what you read in whatever sick publication you get your dating advice from, chicks do not find men who look like their fathers attractive. Maybe they find men who act like their fathers attractive. And by that I do, indeed, mean rich.
Imagine the opposite circumstance—what if the world started praising the mom body? These women have the proper excuse of actually housing another human being inside of them and yet, we hear no praise for the mom body, only excited tabloid exclamations of how fast x celebrity dropped her baby weight in six weeks with the help of 15 personal trainers and not eating. Now imagine if college chicks started proudly packing on flab, claiming it as fashionable, and not even having the excuse of giving birth? You thought that high-wasted shorts were traumatizing enough for reminding you of your mom’s ass in the 90s…
So lads: you have a long life ahead of you. There’s no reason that chicks need to feel your gut before they feel your boner until they’ve been married to you for at least 10 years. Please lay off the pizza boxes, get your hands out of your pants, and start working out again. I know you’re just as proud of being a douchebag as I am proud of hooking up with them, but last time I checked douchebags get away with it because they're hot. Your extra 20, is well, not.
P.S. Feel free to also set fire to your cozies, Hawaiians and chums. Dressing like a 40-something on a beach vacation with his family should be…reserved for 40-somethings on a beach vacation with his family, not the tailgate.